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If being human is what you wish for her and you feel that you can't offer this...then maybe this is the time to leave. Carlisle offered as a choice. He saw me flinch and changed tact. I just don't want you to make a mistake by denying yourself your true mate by keeping her human. He spoke silently to me."If you wish to keep her human, then that is your decision. We will not demand her death, or her transformation." Carlisle added, trying to calm my frenzied nerves. At the same time he was letting everyone in the house know this was his final word. And they are to abide by it. No deaths, no transformations. The end. "You have amazing self control. I believe that you will make the right decision."
Shock. Yes, that was the emotion I was feeling; stunned, surprised, astonished...I looked up and stared at him incredulously.
Even if I did decide to change her, I wouldn't have the strength to stop myself from drinking her dry. Just thinking about the luscious taste on my lips sent a shiver of pleasure down my spine.
How could he possibly believe that this whole situation is a good idea? Dread flowed through my frozen veins as the thought of hurting the delicate flower of a girl, Bella, entered my mind. I tried to expunge the images that Alice had embossed into my brain, for they seemed to be coming to the surface at this conversation.
I wasn't the only one surprised and outraged by his responses to it all, how easily Carlisle just accepted this bit of news like he knew it was going to happen all along.
Rosalie, working on her car, had thrown a wrench down and walked away, muttering choice swear words under her breath. Jasper coughed - something a vampire would never need to do - while breaking part of the chess piece he was holding. He knew of the danger this could possibly cause us all.
Then there were those two thoughts that were unsurprised, actually elated. Alice, for obvious reasons, predicted this future. She loved Bella, human or vampire. Esme, who didn't care if Bella had four fingers and crossed eyes, was smiling at me. Her thoughts were content, pleased at this news, even though a sturdier Bella, in her mind, would be the better choice.
There was only one neutral thought. "Next time we'll use your chess set," Emmett muttered to Jasper. Though, I knew if it came to sides, he would choose Rosalie's.
Before I responded to Carlisle's words Esme's thoughts protruded into my head. I wonder when I can meet her.
I turned and gave Esme a withering look.
"Why are you guys doing this to me?" Derision was obvious in my voice. "If I stay with her..." I needed to leave her alone. She needs to live a mortal life, one that I can not offer her. "I could kill her." My face screwed up in pain at the word kill.
It's been months, Edward. She's still alive. You can do this, I have faith in you, Carlisle thought.
My hands were trembling slightly as fear pulsed through me. Faith, I scoffed. Esme approached me swiftly and embraced me, all fear flooded from my body at her gentle touch.
Carlisle approached me and Esme let go as he placed his hand on my shoulder and thought sympathetically; everything will be all right, son.
It was silent for a minute, as everyone let the news sink in.
"So, what did you tell Bella?" Carlisle asked, intrigued now. Our previous conversation was now in the distant past.
Everything I was doing seemed so human lately. I sank lower into the chair as if it were my only support after being deflated.
"I didn't tell her, Carlisle, she guessed. She guessed everything, even my little talent of reading minds!"
Carlisle's thoughts were incoherent with surprise; his words spiraled together and were muddled so I continued.
"I only filled in the blanks, which were not many. She is much more perceptive than I realized..." My voice trailed off and I slumped even lower into the chair. I had made so many mistakes.
I then remembered what she had told me about her trip to First Beach.
"Then her little friend Jacob Black..."
Before I could get another word out Carlisle already knew exactly what had happen.
Jacob...Black. Oh! "The Quileute's?"
I nodded.
Oh... I see. He chuckled."I never thought it would be their side to break the treaty! Oh, of course, I know it couldn't have been meant like that, surely he doesn't think the stories are true." he shook is head.
This house became silent, not a word or thought formed for several spiraling seconds. When the curtain of silent thoughts became louder then thoughts themselves, I finally looked up to try to interpret Carlisle's face since his mind had become nothing more than a bewildered mental humming. The astonishment on his alabaster face was humorous.
Before I could make my mouth move to ask the question I seemed to be asking more and more lately, what are you thinking, Carlisle began to chuckle at full volume. He was truly taken aback, but this news hadn't bothered him at all. His mind was stunned into silence as flashes of Bella went through - all from that almost tragic day with the van.
I couldn't take the ever-growing silence emanating off the walls.
"What?" I asked with irritation.
Carlisle shot Esme a look.
Go on,Esme thought while nodding to Carlisle to continue, as if he could read her thoughts. He finally spoke.
"How did she react?"
"She said, 'it doesn't matter' what I am," my teeth gritted at the memory, and then my expression softened when I remembered the tears that welled up in her eyes at my reaction. Another mistake.
"She won't tell anyone?" he asked.
"No. I trust her." At my look, he accepted my answer without a doubt.
"Edward, this cannot be a coincidence. There is a real change happening here." Carlisle chuckled once more.
Esme put her arm around Carlisle and a large grin gradually spread across her face. My parents were... happy, excessively, even. I hadn't predicted the conversation going in this direction at all.
I was given the impression that everything was happening very fast. The monster in me began backing into the darkest corners of my mind, gradually dissipating as I was becoming more and more human the more familiar I became with Bella.
What should I do? I know what I should do; it was a matter of what I was going to do.I knew what the answer should be. I need to leave her alone. Even if I can cage the monster for the time, it is not likely I can keep him caged forever. Yes, I have my family for support, but that won't stop me from accidently hurting her. I had to leave, as Carlisle suggested.
I placed my hand over my eyes and slouched even deeper in the chair. If I sunk down any lower I'd fall right off of it.
Then thought of her deep chocolate brown eyes looking at me with tears as I said goodbye made my un-beating heart ache. The memory of her tear stained face flashed across my mind.
Would she cry? If I left, would she even care? She shouldn't. I sighed. She really does embrace danger, or maybe the right word was Entice.
I thought about Alice's vision. I pinched the bridge of my nose at the recollection. The more I thought about it the harder it was for me to imagine being alone with her without breaking or damaging her. Why did Alice put these thoughts in my head? I don't want to hurt Bella, but I don't know how much more I could take!
Being in Bella's presence with the aroma, her warmth...so brave and trusting... not touching her was going to become a problem. Her skin - so soft...electric. I started imaging her warm and cradled comfortably in my arms - lightly touching her face and pulling my hands through her hair. Before I could get too deep into that daydream I had to make a decision and fast.
Regardless of what my decision should be, I was a selfish creature and refused to go. Leaving the girl isn't an option, I decided. She was a danger to herself and she needed me to protect her, I lied effortlessly.
I shook my head as I ultimately determined I was still going to take her to the meadow. I will give her the chance to see me for who I am, I promised myself. Maybe she would finally learn how dangerous I am and run away screaming.
I won't kill her, though. I love her. I tried to convince myself that love was enough. The love I felt for her was so exquisite it was nearly pain because I knew there were only two options left for her now.
No, those won't be her only options. I will make this work. Three options. She could grow old and live out her life, but with me in tow.
Only a few seconds had passed during my reprieve. Carlisle and Esme looked fixedly at me. Their confidence in me was overwhelming. They honestly believed in me, trusted that I wouldn't hurt her. Maybe Judas did have the corner on the betrayal market.
As I saw the conviction in their faces, something deep inside of me settled. I stood up, surveyed their loving faces and the inner workings of my brain and my non-beating heart finally accepted her fate. Option three.
She will live, I'll look after her and she will live, I determined. As long as I was around, no one would ever harm her because I would break them limb from limb if they even attempted, or even if they possibly thought it. Her vampire protector. Forever.
"It seems I can't stay away from her." I grimaced, but deep inside I was glowing.
I don't want him to stay away from her; he's been a different person since she came into his life,Esme thought cheerfully.
Carlisle grinned, his thoughts in sync with Esme.
I sighed, but the sound wasn't as pained as before. It was almost...joyous.
Striding swiftly from the room I realized it was no longer silent in the house. I could hear faint mutterings from Rosalie. Instantly I shoved her constant jeering from my mind.
Deep down, Rosalie's problem with Bella really was pure jealousy. She hated that Bella was human because she wanted to be human. But I thought her warm, trusting humanness was Bella's best quality.
Edward!Alice bellowed from her head while skipping up the stairs towards me.
The cloudy, blurry vision from earlier today was instantly clear. No longer did she see Bella's lifeless form lying in the bracken of the forest floor. My eyes no longer glowed that ominous red.
When she reached me at the top of the stairs she grinned widely while practically jumping on me to wrap her tiny arms around my neck.
"Thank you, Edward!" Alice was jubilant.
I nodded and returned her hug, releasing her quickly because I was on a mission.
Have fun at Bella's. I suppose you won't tell her hi for me, will you?
For the first time since I entered the house this afternoon, my lips twitched up into a smile, completely opposite from my previous grimace. My stomach was doing back flips at the thought of being with her again.
I couldn't stand being away from her any longer.
I dashed through the forest towards her house as if someone was lighting a fire beneath my feet. As I took off I heard faded thoughts from Alice.
I wonder what happened to change the vision? I hope Edward starts letting me hang out with her. Just two more days...She was counting down. Then I saw images of her dressing a blushing Bella up and playing with her hair like she was a doll.
I rolled my eyes, but instantly craved for this to come true.
I was sitting in the rocking chair in Bella's room. Her warm delicious scent was swirling around me and I was sucking it slowly into my lungs with each breath. I was willing myself to stay away from her. A feat much harder than one would realize.
Tonight, she was not sleeping soundly. I watched as she tangled herself into the blankets early on in the evening.
I stood. Realizing I was unable to help her, I sat. The chair was my prison, holding me in my seat. She was the dessert across the table from a kid who had to eat broccoli. The temptation would never go away, yet each second I grew stronger against my will to rush over and hold her. I couldn't allow myself to do something so foolish. It was about her now. What she wants, what she needs. I had to toss my selfishness away as best I could, even though my presence was selfish enough.
She tossed again. I got up once more, my hands reaching out like I could help. My touch was too cold...wrong. I seated myself back into my prison.
I sighed. With the quick intake of air the burning persisted in my dry throat. Each breath brought me pleasure and torture. Mainly torture, though her scent reminded me of how alive she is.
"Edward..." she mumbled in her sleep.
This was not the first time this evening that she murmured my name in her sweet magical voice. Each sound or movement was watched by me as she continued to tangle herself in the sheets.
I couldn't help but worry that she wasn't having a good dream. I was a monster after all.
She woke a few times in the night, startled from her dream ?C or nightmare ?C but I was stealthy enough to hide. She never caught me but I wondered what she would think if she did. Would she finally scream? Would she shriek at the sight of the peeping tom that I had become? Would she turn her deep gaze towards me and beg me to leave and never come back?Anguish fell over me at the thought. This must be why I continued to hide every time I saw her eyes flutter.
She tossed again, holding her pillow tightly while a small sigh escaped her lips.
"Edward...mmmmm."
Once again my heart leapt at the sound of my name on her breath.
As the night progressed she settled into a deeper sleep, finally calm and unmoving. In the earlier hours of the morning I saw her shudder and watched as goose bumps arose on her skin.
Without thought I was standing, walking over to her, leaning down, hand out stretched before my mind finally caught up with my actions. Indecision was deep in my thoughts.
Another breath.
More fiery thirst.
I wasn't sure if it was the monster or my protective side, but without thinking I reached out to unravel her blanket to cover her. As I slowly moved the blanket over her I accidently touched her arm. Or was it an accident?
It was if a million little electrodes sent pleasant shocks down my spine. I closed me eyes to take in her aroma.
She was soft...warm.
I quickly held my breath but realized that if I were going to stay with her that I had to overcome my thirst, my ever growing desire to crush her to my body and dig my teeth deep into her neck.
Another breath.
My mouth was instantly full of venom. The monster inside of me was clawing at my chest bones, trying to break free of my body and drink the most delicious blood that ever existed. I grabbed at my chest trying to push the monster back in when suddenly I felt something vibrate. It was my phone.
Alice. I swallowed the pool of venom pouring into my mouth.
Leaping out of her window I answered the phone. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could say hello Alice began pleading in her bell voice.
"Edward! Please!"
My hand automatically met the bridge of my nose. She was my favorite and the most irritating of my family.
She continued without pause.
"I keep getting flashes of you killing Bella! If you kill her I will be very upset. I haven't even had the opportunity to talk to her," her voice was petulant.
I gritted my teeth and breathed in the light morning air around me. The fresh air cleared my head making the monster retreat. How had I let things get out of hand? Why did I have to put my hand in the cookie jar?
"Alice," I breathed.
