Page 62 of Midnight Sun (Twilight 1.5)

She pulled away from me then. Instantly I was nervous I had done something perverse. I wanted to pull her back to me. I froze; worried I did something incredibly wrong. I clenched my jaw in worry. She stared fixedly at me, her eyes cautious. I slowly and deliberately unclenched my teeth. What was the matter?

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No ?C the opposite. You're driving me crazy," she exclaimed.

I was euphoric in that moment. She was enjoying this as much as I was.

"Really?" I asked, exultant.

A smile gradually spread across my previously worried face.

"Would you like a round of applause?" she asked, her voice acerbic.

My grin became wider, "I'm just pleasantly surprised," I explained, "In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with...in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it...at being with you..."

Belle interrupted, "You're good at everything."

The only thing I cared about being good at was being with her. I shrugged and we both silently laughed.

"But how can it be so easy now?" she asked, pure curiosity in her eyes, "This afternoon..."

"It's not easy," I sighed, "But this afternoon, I was still... undecided. I am sorry about that; it was unforgiveable for me to behave so." Before the self chastisement could commence she was quickly disagreeing, "Not unforgiveable."

She was ever so self sacrificing, "Thank you," I smiled, "You see," I continued, taking my eyes from her so she couldn't read the chagrin, "I wasn't sure if I was strong enough..."

I reached out and pulled her hand to my face, letting it warm my cheek, "And while there was still that possibility that I might be...overcome" I sucked in the air at her wrist, letting it envelope me, "I was...susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would...that I ever could..." I couldn't say the words that would condemn me.

"So there's no possibility now?" she asked, hope in her voice.

"Mind over matter," I repeated, and smiled at her, even though it wasn't completely true.

"Wow, that was easy," she said, amused.

Unbelievable, I threw my head back and chuckled in whispers at the ceiling.

"Easy for you!" I told her as I lightly touched the tip of her nose with my finger.

The touch sent electricity through me, like it always does when we touch. She needed to understand though, that it wasn't easy for me at all, I had been fighting with so many desires when I was around her I was unsure if I could constantly keep them all caged.

"I'm trying," I whispered to her and to my thoughts, "If it gets to be...too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."

Who was I kidding? Would I ever be able to leave this wonderful soul now that I found her? I would never find someone like her again. She frowned at me then.

"And it will be harder tomorrow," I continued, "I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though. I think" I explained to her.

I wanted her to realize that I am still a blood drinking killer, and that her blood was still the sweetest of them all.

"Don't go away, then," she pleaded.

More than happy, I replied, "That suits me," and I smiled at her loving face, "Bring on the shackles ?C I'm your prisoner."

I encompassed my hands around her wrists. I laughed quietly.

"You seem more...optimistic than usual," she ascertained, "I haven't seen you like this before."

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I grinned widely, "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

If this was not love, I would like to know what it was. I had never felt so euphoric before.

"Very different," she agreed, "More forceful than I'd imagined."

"For example: the emotion of jealousy; I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me..." I frowned, remembering how all the boys in town lined up for Bella, "Do you remember the day Mike asked you to the dance?"

She was looking intently at me. She nodded, "The day you started talking to me again."

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury that I felt ?C I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care. And then the line started forming," I laughed at the memory of her face as she became angrier each time someone asked her to the dance.

Bella frowned at the memory.

"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew if I continued to ignore you as I should or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike or someone like him. It made me angry."

"And then," I whispered, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."

During my small speech, Bella's heart began to pound, and her pulse began to race, I continued, "But jealousy...it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational. Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton..." I shook my head, I absolutely hated that kid.

"I should have known you'd be listening," she grumbled.

"Of course," I said, it should be obvious.

"That made you feel jealous, though, really?" she asked, skeptical.

Irrational, I repeated in my head, "I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh." I tried to explain my illogical thoughts.

"But honestly, for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie ?C Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie ?C was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?" She scoffed.

I felt a sensation in my chest...she was jealous of me! It felt wonderful that she should feel that away. Irrational, I thought again.

"There's no competition," I smiled.

Her wrists were still in my hands and I pulled her closer, bringing her hands to my back. I held her to my chest. She was very still, and was taking light, even breaths. Her scent was amazingly warm and was oh so pleasant.

"I know there's no competition," she muttered into my chest, "That's the problem."

She thinks that Rosalie is better than her? Insane! If she knew Rosalie, she would understand that her beauty far outweighs Rosalie's!

"Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me. For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind and yours...all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet." I tried to explain, to show her how much she means to me.

"It hardly seems fair," she whispered, still securely wrapped in my arms, "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?" she wondered.

"You're right," I chuckled, "I should make this harder for you, definitely."

I released one of my hands that was holding her wrists behind my back, and quickly grabbed up both of her wrists in my one hand. I brought my freed hand to her face then, and gently brushed her hair, moving my hand from the top of her head down to her waist. She trembled under my touch and it sent pleasurable sensations rippling through me.

"You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity...what's that worth?" I asked.

"Very little ?C I don't feel deprived of anything," she murmured.

"Not yet," I replied, grief thickly covering my every word.

When she realizes her mistake, she will leave me, and it will be for someone who is human, someone who can grow old with her. She tried to pull away from me now, and I couldn't let her see the sadness that was on my face. I held her tightly to my chest.

"What..." she began to ask something.

I froze, because Charlie's thoughts were evident, he was going to check on Bella, She better be in her bed. Charlie thought.

I released her hands, even though it caused me pain to do so, and moved into a corner of the room where Charlie wouldn't see me. I suddenly realized that Bella had no idea what was going on, "Lie down!" I whispered fiercely.

She quickly wrapped herself in her quilt and lay down on her side. Charlie cracked open the door only a second later. I watched as she exaggerated each breath and I rolled my eyes. Charlie could tell she wasn't completely asleep either. He stood there for a whole minute before closing the door quietly. Bella never moved. Had she fallen asleep?

I moved swiftly over to her and I wrapped my arms around her under the covers. Her heart skipped a beat and then began speeding up. Her pulse was racing. I was instantly eager. I put my lips to her ear, "You are a terrible actress ?C I'd say that career path is out for you." I breathed.

She trembled, and then replied, "Darn it," she whispered.

I held her securely to my chest and I began to hum her lullaby that I composed. I hesitated for a moment, "Would you like me to sing you to sleep?" I asked.

"Right," she laughed, "Like I could sleep with you here!"

"You do it all the time," I reminded her.

"But I didn't know you were here," she said, her voice snippy.

It was true; she hadn't known I was here. I didn't want to leave though, so I decided a compromise would be best, "So if you don't want to sleep..." I breathed in her ear.

I had other ideas...of things we could do, but I knew that my insatiable desires could cause me to lose control, especially if she were to embrace me back like she did this afternoon. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I lost control. I banished the thought from my mind immediately.

"If I don't want to sleep...?" she responded.

I laughed in whispers, "What do you want to do then?"

She hesitated for a moment, and that moment felt like a life time...if only I could read her thoughts.

"I'm not sure," she said timidly.

I couldn't make this decision for her, she had to decide...it was her choice; it has to always be her choice.

"Tell me when you decide," I replied.

I brought my nose to her neck and engulfed her scent. Daggers were being dragged down my throat, I was sure of it. The burning desire enthralled me. I slid my nose up her neck to her jaw, breathing in her scent, her incredibly appetizing scent.

"I thought you were desensitized"

"Just because I'm resisting the wine, doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I whispered against her ear, "You have a very floral smell, like lavender...or freesia, it's mouthwatering." I trailed my nose down her neck again, inhaling the sweet scent.

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell," she said sarcastically.

I laughed lightly and failed to suppress a sigh.

"I've decided what I want to do, I want to hear more about you," she told me.

I could handle this, "Ask me anything" I prompted.

She paused for a moment, "Why do you do it?" she asked, curiosity flaring in her voice, "I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you...are. Please don't misunderstand; of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place." she pointed out.

I wasn't sure how to answer this, I had to think how the right way to explain it, "That's a good question, and you are not the first to ask it. The others ?C the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot ?C they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been...dealt a certain hand...it doesn't mean that we can't chose to rise above ?C to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can." I explained to her.

She didn't move, but she was still snuggled securely against me. I waited for a few moments, no sound. I was worried instantly, then realized she might be asleep, "Did you fall asleep?" I whispered in her ear.

"No." she whispered back.

"Is that all you were curious about?" I wondered.

"Not quite," she said like I should know better.

"What else do you want to know?" I asked, curious now.

"Why can you read minds ?C why only you? And Alice, seeing the future...why does that happen?" she whispered.

I shrugged then, not really knowing how to answer this question. I contemplated for only a second, "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory...he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified ?C like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."

I only quit speaking for a second before she had another question, "What did he bring into the next life, and the others?" she was incredibly curious, which I don't blame her for.

"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her...tenacity. Or you could all if pigheadedness," I laughed, "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, he was able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him ?C calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."

She lay there, very still and quiet. Maybe she had fallen asleep. I waited for a few minutes, moving my nose up and down her neck, breathing in her fragrance once more. She finally spoke, "So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on..."

She was asking an impossible question. I tried to think about it logically, "Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?" I mused.

She hesitated, "Let me get this straight ?C I'm the baby seal, right?" she asked, a smile in her voice.

"Right," I laughed, agreeing.

I brought my lips to her hair then. I took a deep breath of her heady scent. She was silent then, "Are you ready to sleep?" I asked, "Or do you have any more questions?"

"Only a million or two," she responded, and I grinned widely.

It felt amazing to know that she wanted to know everything about me.

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...," I promised her.

I knew from this moment on, I would never leave her side. What her fate was, I was still unsure, but as long as I stood as protector, she would stay human and in my arms.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning?" she asked, seriously, "You are mythical, after all," she added playfully.

"I won't leave you," and my promise was unconditional.

"One more, then, tonight..."

I couldn't see her blush, but I could smell the blood rushing up to her face and I could hear her pulse speeding up. I was instantly curious, "What is it?"

She replied immediately, "No, forget it. I changed my mind."

What was she thinking? It was so infuriating. I groaned in her ear, letting her know my frustration, "I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it gets worse and worse." I complained.

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking," she replied, her voice acerbic.

I would have gotten down on my knees and begged her if I thought it would help, but I decided to go another route. I brought my lips to her ear and breathed in deeply and let out a light gust of air. She shivered in pleasure. I tried asking then, "Please," I begged.

She shook her head. Apparently I am not as persuasive as I thought, I decided to try another route, "If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is," I threatened.

She said nothing, she didn't even move, "Please?" I pleaded.

Finally she spoke, "Well," she began.

When she hesitated I thought I was going to go insane. The never ending silence of her thoughts was driving me over the edge. I was extremely frustrated. I tried to convince her to continue, "Yes?"

"You said Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon...Is that...marriage...the same as it is for humans?" she was blushing.

I knew she was blushing; the scent of her blood was heavy in her face. Her pulse was still racing. I took air in my lungs at her neck. I understood why she was blushing though and laughed lightly, "Is that what you're getting at?" I asked.

Suddenly, I realized what was different about Bella in one of Alice's most recent visions. Bella, crimson red eyes, arm in arm with Alice, a ring on her ring finger, a very familiar ring... my mothers. Bella interrupted my revelation. She began fidgeting, "Yes, I suppose it is much the same," I replied, "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires." I explained, still lost in my new revelation.

I was anxious. Is that what our future held? It looked peaceful, wonderful...but how could I take her soul? I wouldn't, I refuse.

"Oh," Bella breathed.

I was instantly curious as to why this was brought up, "Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I asked.

"Well, I did wonder...," she hesitated, "about you and me...someday..." her sentence trailed off.

I froze. She was thinking about us being married. I couldn't imagine losing control with her. I would kill her! I also knew I would never take her soul and change her. Alice had to be mistaken!

"I don't think that...that...would be possible for us." I said, very serious.

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that...close?" she wondered.

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply my accident." I explained to her, hoping she realized that I would never hurt her, therefore ?C I can never lose control.

I moved my hand to her cheek. The warmth only pressed my point on her breakable state, "If I was too hasty...if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

She didn't respond. Her silence was unnerving. With every breath she took, I became more anxious, "Are you scared?" I asked, worried.

She still didn't respond. Had she gone to sleep? No, her pulse was still hammering and her breath was still staggered. I secured my arms around her, hoping to reassure her that I would never hurt her. She finally spoke, "No. I'm fine." she lied smoothly.

I thought about it for a minute. I had questions of my own now, "I'm curious now, though," I said lightly, "Have you ever...?" I didn't finish my sentence, hoping she would realize what I was asking.

She responded immediately, "Of course not." I could smell the blood rushing to her face again, "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

I instantly felt appalled for ever thinking that Bella was like a normal human.

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company." I explained.

"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," she sighed.

I tightened my arms around her again, and took her fragrance into my lungs, letting my throat burn in pleasure, "That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." I said, pleased.

In my whole existence, I had never been with another woman, human or vampire. I had never been this physically or emotionally close to anyone. I was grateful that I waited until this moment to be with Bella. Being with anyone else was unconceivable. The sensations I am feeling are incredible and worth the wait.

"Your human instincts..." she began, I waited, "Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?"

I was taken aback. Did she seriously think I found her unattractive in any sort of way? I laughed low, to not let Charlie hear. I moved one of my hands to her hair and lightly fluffed it up.

"I may not be human, but I am a man," I assured her.

Suddenly, she was yawning. I was keeping her awake, she needed to get sleep, "I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," I insisted.

"I'm not sure if I can."

It broke my heart to ask her, but it always had to be Bella's choice, "Do you want me to leave?" there was sadness in my voice.

"No!" She almost yelled.

I laughed; I became light hearted immediately at her exclamation. I began humming her lullaby in her ear again. We laid there for only a few moments before Bella's breathing became deep.

Then, the talking began.

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