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I was shell-shocked, though. No words were coming.
“You’re special, Fox.” Jonah must have sensed my shock, and he filled the gap. “And I get that we work together, but once this Dragon case is shut and we start working on our own, it won’t even matter. It won’t. If that’s what you’re thinking about… oh God, are you second-guessing everything?”
“No. Absolutely not, no.” I had to get those words out. I had to reassure him.
There was something else nagging at me, though. It was a block I couldn’t push past. Jonah’s eyes cast down to the floor.
What was wrong with me? I wanted to push him down onto this bed and take him. I wanted to give him his answer while leaving a trail of kisses down his neck, down his chest.
And yet, at the same time, I couldn’t. I was frozen. My heart was pounding. This never happened to me. I survived an active war zone without ever once freezing up in fear, and yet, here I was, sitting next to the man of my dreams and feeling him slip away with every millisecond of silence.
“You know what? Forget I said anything,” Jonah said suddenly. The pain in his voice was like a blade slicing through my fear, through my heart. “Actually, maybe forget about this whole thing.”
“No, Jonah, listen.” I stood up and grabbed his hand before he stormed off. I couldn’t let that happen. That’s the absolute last fucking thing I wanted to happen. “I want you. I want to ravage you, every fucking day. I want to ravage you and then bathe you in love. I want you, Jonah.”
“All right,” he said, a spark of defiance in his eyes, something I didn’t recognize from him. “So what’s the problem?” He shook his head, gaze on my lips. “Why is there a problem?”
“There isn’t a problem, Jonah.” I grabbed his hands in mine. He lifted his eyes up to mine. “I’m worried, all right? You’ve never had a boyfriend; you’ve never dated other guys. You missed that entire experience, and I’m worried you’ll feel like you’re missing out if you settle with me. I don’t want to feel that way, but it’s because I care about you so fucking much, that’s why I feel like that. I want our relationship to be perfect, and I’m nervous you’ll always feel like you’re missing something.”
Jonah pulled his hands from mine. It was the equivalence of a sucker punch to the gut. “I’ve got news, Fox: no relationship is perfect. And guess what? I have dated. I’ve dated plenty. Sure, they weren’t guys, but I’ve already got a good gist of what’s out there. I also know that I found something incredibly special in you, and that I… that I… I just don’t give a shit about anyone else.” He was shaking his head. I thought I saw the glint of a tear form, but he turned before it fell. “Sucks you don’t feel like that.”
He started walking, leaving the cabana, heading back toward the parking lot. “I’m staying at a hotel. Enjoy the cabana.”
I ran after him, sand kicking up behind me. “No. No, listen to me, Jonah.” I ran in front of him, blocking his path. “Jonah.” The beach behind him was lit up by the campfire next to our cabana, the orange glow stretching out to the dark waters.
“I’ve listened enough, Fox. This was a… it was a mistake, all right? This entire thing’s been a fucking mistake.”
If before had been a punch to the gut, this was an evisceration.
I’m such a fucking idiot. Such a fucking idiot.
I had to do something to stop him from leaving. From thinking this was a mistake. If it meant laying myself bare for him, then so be it—he deserved it.
“Jonah, you coming into my life completed me. I didn’t even know I was missing something until you smiled and my world shattered. Every day since you entered my life, I’ve woken up with a smile on my face. I’ve been through some really dark fucking moments, and I know you have, too, so you know how miraculous those days feel. The days when you wake up and feel like it’ll all be okay, even if the odds are stacked against you. That’s a blessing, and you’ve given it to me. My trust was so hard to give out after everything I’ve been through, but from the jump, I knew I could give you my entire heart and you’d keep it safer than even I could. I don’t want to lose that. Lose you. It’s why I hesitated. Because when I answer yes to your question, then that fear gets magnified by a thousand. And knowing I’ll be your first and your only, as much as it’s thrilling, it’s also scary as fuck.”
