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I had to remind myself that I had just met Jonah barely a day before. Regardless of how real this all felt, of how passionate our kisses were, of how hot his touch made my skin, I had to remember that I barely knew the guy. And the last time I trusted someone I barely knew, I ended up getting my back stabbed with the same information I had opened up to them about. It was a hard lesson, but one I didn’t fail to learn.
Except, when our kiss broke… I wanted more. My entire being was crying out for more. And I wanted to give him more. I wanted to give Jonah all of me, so I could show him exactly what pleasure really was, what happiness really was.
And then you’d be one hell of a dumb motherfucker.
I couldn’t give Jonah anything. I had to stop myself from falling into that trap. This was a onetime, purely sexual kind of thing.
“You’re a good kisser,” Jonah said, a little giddiness coloring his voice. “Like, really damn good.”
“It takes two to tango.” A question popped up in my head, one I asked before even thinking twice. “Am I the first man you’ve ever kissed?”
He didn’t hesitate. “Yes.” There was a curiosity lighting up the ocean blue in his eyes.
“Annnd?”
“It’s… good. Like fucking great actually.” He let out a nervous laugh. “There’s something really different about it. Something really hot… and it feels… right? Is that weird to say?”
“Not at all.”
“I don’t know… obviously, I’ve got a lot going on in my life right now.” The ocean eyes looked away from mine, leaving me with an immediate longing. “I’m sorry.” And then he got up, separating from our touch, making that longing all the more potent. “I’ve got a lot to sort out. I’m… it’s… I don’t know…”
“Hey, hey, it’s all right.” I could see him getting flustered. It was in the way he wrung his hands, and how his cheeks began to flush with a violent red. I stood up and went to his side. “You’re okay. There’s plenty of time to sort through all your feelings.” I wanted to reach out, to cross the distance that separated us, but I felt like staying a couple feet away was the right choice. I didn’t want to crowd Jonah, make him feel any more anxious than he already was.
“There isn’t, though,” Jonah said, shaking his head. “Time’s so damn short. You know that. One day to the next, all the ‘time’ we thought we had is gone. It’s like we think having all this time is a right, when it’s really just a privilege. A privilege that can be easily, easily revoked, man.” He took a deep breath. The urge to grab his hands was stronger now. I wanted to pull him away from the chaos, into my arms.
“So then what are you going to do about it?” I crossed my arms. Military training was beginning to kick in. I lived my life by seeing a problem and tackling it head-on. I’d seen some of that in Jonah tonight when he cut off his empty relationship, but I knew there was more in him. He had a grit and determination to live that was proven after his battle in the hospital, where he came out alive.
I also knew exactly what Jonah was talking about. Time was short. I had seen it firsthand during my deployment. Like the sand that stung my eyes on blistering hot days, time was granular. Especially if you zoomed out, looked at the entire scale of life. What we consider as “time" is infinitesimally small compared to the endless stretch of infinity. Life was meant to be lived, and sometimes that meant being pushed out of a comfort zone in order to live the way we were meant to.
“I… I’m going to…” And then his shoulders slumped. “I don’t know.”
I saw defeat reflected in his expression before his head dropped, blocking my view of that picturesque face of his. “You will know.” I made sure to keep my tone firm. I wanted to get through to him. He looked up from the floor. “You’ll know what to do when the time is right. You’ve already got the gut and the courage to make big changes in your life. You’re good, Jonah, and you’ll continue to get better. Trust me.”
He nodded at that. “I hope so.”
“No, you know so.” My tone was harsh. I took a step forward, keeping his eyes on mine. “You’ve got this.”
“I’ve got this,” he parroted, sounding a little more sure of himself. “I’ve got this.”
“That’s right. You’re going to find a new place, and you’re going to excel at your new job, and you’re going to live your best fucking life. This is all up from here, all right?”
