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“Not completely, no. There was also this kind of support group that I’d meet up with every week. It was around ten or so of us every week, and we’d meet somewhere different, and we’d open up about all the shit we were dealing with while being gay in the military. I had it bad, but I definitely didn’t have it the worst. Some of them were still deeply closeted, others were out like me. It was a tough time for all of us.”
“Jesus…”
We had been pushed closer now. As if Poseidon himself was deciding to play matchmaker. “I learned a lot from it, though. I’m usually one to look at the bright side, and good lessons are always needed. I learned to be strong and to carve a shelter inside myself, so I didn’t entirely rely on others. And I learned to keep fighting for what you believe in. I kept fighting for our country and for our right to love whoever the hell we want. I didn’t back down, even though there were days I wanted to.”
“Did the letters stop?”
“Not until my very last day of my deployment.”
Even closer now. I thought I could feel his toes brushing against mine underwater. I glanced down, making sure I wasn’t about to step on a stingray.
Sure enough, Jonah’s feet were nearly intertwined with mine. He must have realized because he took a few heavy steps backward, the waves still trying to push him in my direction.
“Sorry,” he said. “It’s a little hard to keep my balance.”
“No apologies needed.” You never have to apologize for being too close to me.
“So, why’d you join the military?”
And queue the walls. That question was hitting closer to home than I was comfortable with. It was digging too deep, and Jonah was about to strike trauma gold if he dug any deeper.
“Wanted to get out of my situation,” I said, hoping that would be simple enough. But Jonah already proved to be an inquisitive one, and he didn’t drop that curiosity for anything.
“What kind of situation were you in?”
A seagull cawed loudly over my head. It mirrored the way I suddenly felt inside. It was a sudden and jarring shift from the warmth I had felt before, the comfort that Jonah had made me feel.
But now the guard was coming up and the ice was spreading. “I’d rather not.” It was simple and efficient and seemed to have gotten the message across. Jonah nodded and quiet soon followed, the sounds of the ocean filling up the space where words would have been.
Was I wrong? Should I have laid it all out there for Jonah in the same way he had done for me? He deserved the piece of me he was asking for; why couldn’t I give it to him?
I was scared. Deep down, I knew that was the main reason. I looked out toward the endless horizon, wondering what the hell fear ever did for me. All this shit I talked about being confident and sure of yourself, and here I was, acting like a nervous little teenager, locking away all his feelings because of a fear of getting hurt. What else had this fear stopped me from? And why was I letting it stop me from opening up to a man who was proving himself to be a damn good friend?
Most of all, though, why was I beginning to detest that title? Friend. Made me seasick, and I never got seasick, especially not when my feet were planted firmly on solid sand.
19 Jonah Brightly
I felt like I was dreaming. Fox had me on a different planet. It helped that we were still the only ones here in this tiny stretch of quiet beach. It made it feel all the more dreamlike. A little world I created solely for us in my head, a bubble bound to pop the moment I woke up.
Except this wasn’t in my head. Fox was literally in front of me, water gleaming on his chest, highlighting the beautiful colors from his tattoos. The flowers appeared like they were painted on by a masterful artist, turning an already masterpiece of a man into more perfection.
Masterpiece. Jesus. He’s really gotten under my skin…
And yet I couldn’t seem to get under his. A seagull squawked nearby, as if adding a punctuation mark to my awkward attempt at getting to know him.
Of course Fox doesn’t want to open up to me. Why would he?
The spectre of my self-doubt started looming higher over my head. I could talk about faking self-confidence all day, but when it came time to actually doing it, my confidence was nowhere to be found, not even the fake kind.
Especially now, around Fox. I felt… lesser than, almost. Fox had it all together. He knew where his life was headed, where he wanted to land, who he wanted to land with.
