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I broke from the kiss, my eyes wide, my lips parted. Fox looked down into my eyes, his hands on my hips. He had pulled me toward him, into him. I could feel the hard evidence of our excitement, and it burned my blood, turned me hot and made me see stars even though it was pure daylight.
But it didn’t hide the fear. I could feel eyes starting to bore through me from the shore. From the windows on the nearby hotels, from the ocean itself. I could feel the stares, and I could feel the judgment. Even though I knew I could turn around right now and see that no one was watching us, it didn’t matter… I was beginning to feel like this was a mistake. I was a mess, and I was dragging Fox straight into my oil spill.
I wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to grab his head in my hands and put his lips to mine and never let go, let the ocean fucking swallow us whole for all it mattered.
That’s what I wanted. And that’s what made me so damn confused. The last thing I wanted was for Fox to think I was using him to untangle that confusion, or that he’d created the confusion in the first place.
“Sorry,” I said, managing to break eye contact from the man who’d already cast his spell on me. I wanted to pull out of his grip, too, only because it was melting my brain with every passing second, but I couldn’t find the will. I wanted his hands on my hips, damn it. Those invisible eyes on the shoreline couldn’t see what was happening underwater.
For a brief second, I wondered if this was how my brother felt constantly? As if there were a pair of unseen, judgmental eyes watching him all the time. I’d never really thought about it until now, until I felt like I was suddenly on full display for the entire world to see. That was something that had never happened with Wendy, not once in our entire four years of being together. We would kiss and hold hands in public without a glancing thought.
“Jonah, I only need you apologizing if you stepped on my toe or you accidentally bumped into me in the hallway, that’s it. Definitely don’t apologize for a kiss. Especially not after that kiss.”
It was good, couldn’t deny that. “I’ve never… I’ve still got a lot to sort out, Fox. I don’t want to… I can’t kiss you again.”
“I get that.” His hands still held my hips, fingers gently pressing into me as the ocean’s current insisted on pushing us even closer together. “Can I kiss you again, though?”
“Well…” The smile on my face was answer enough. He pushed back in, lips finding mine, my breath leaving me once more. Again, I was instantly transported to that fantasy land that consisted of just me and Fox, nothing and no one else. We were surrounded by infinity.
Our tongues danced, my hands back to gliding over Fox’s body, feeling the hair, feeling the muscles, feeling his hardness. His tongue licked under my top lip, blasting shivers of pleasure through me. My hands had gone around to his ass, groping him through his thin, wet briefs, feeling the firm globes of muscle.
I moaned again. This one louder, surprising me. A manifestation of the intense need rising through me. One of his hands passed over my crotch, over the rock-hard bulge I’d been rocking since Fox had stripped down to his underwear back at the shoreline.
I was pulled to reality. Pulled back to the fact that we were two men clearly fondling each other on a stretch of public beach, which was empty now but could easily be populated from one second to the next.
“I can’t.” A deep sense of regret filled me then as I pulled back, breaking from the kiss again, this time pushing my entire body back through the water and putting some space between us. Fox looked surprised but didn’t seem upset, something I thought he would be. I felt like I was leading him on in a way. As much as I wanted his kiss, his touch, I was still so unsure of myself. Was I gay? Was I bi? Did I ever see myself going back to women after Fox allowed me to be truthful and experience the side of myself I’d always been denying?
The answer was… well, no.
No, I don’t think I would. The idea of dating women again, it didn’t feel like something I wanted anymore. I couldn’t fully explain it, I just knew that the girls I’d been with in the past felt like a facade, and that I don’t think I ever connected with any of them, not on a real level. Not even with Wendy, who I’d been with for years.
