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Juliet Sykes is packing some cojones.
Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, man.
People are laughing, and Lindsay leans over to Elody and says, Freak. The empty bottle of vodka is dangling from her hand. She must have dumped the rest on Juliet.
I start shoving my way out of the room. It seems as though even more people have come in and its almost impossible to move. Im really pushing, using my elbows when I have to, and everyones giving me weird looks. I dont care. I need out.
I finally make it to the door and theres Kent, staring at me with his mouth set in a line. He shifts like hes about to block me.
I hold up my hand. Dont even think about it. The words come out as a growl.
Without a sound he moves so I can squeeze past him. When Im halfway down the hall I hear him shout out, Why?
Because, I yell back. But really Im thinking the same thing.
Why is this happening to me?
Why, why, why?
How come Sam always gets shotgun?
Because youre always too drunk to call it.
I cant believe you bailed on Rob like that, Ally says. Shes got her coat hunched up around her ears. Lindsays car is so cold our breaths are all solid white vapor. Youre going to be in so much trouble tomorrow.
If there is a tomorrow, I almost say. I left the party without saying good-bye to Rob, who was stretched out on a sofa, his eyes half shut. Id been locked in an empty bathroom on the first floor for a half hour before that, sitting on the cold, hard rim of a bathtub, listening to the music pulsing through the walls and ceiling. Lindsay had insisted I wear bright red lipstick, and when I checked my face in the mirror, I saw that it had begun to bleed away from my lips, like a clowns. I took it off slowly with balled-up tissues, which I left floating in the toilet bowl, little blooming flowers of pink.
At a certain point your brain stops trying to rationalize things. At a certain point it gives up, shuts off, shuts down. Still, as Lindsay turns the car arounddriving up on Kents lawn to do it, tires spinning in the mudIm afraid.
Trees, as white and frail as bone, are dancing wildly in the wind. The rain is hammering the roof of the car, and sheets of water on the windows make the world look like its disintegrating. The clock on the dashboard is glowing: 12:38.
Im gripping my seat as Lindsay speeds down the driveway, branches whipping past us on either side.
What about the paint job? I say, my heart hammering in my chest. I try to tell myself Im okay, Im fine, that nothings going to happen. But it doesnt do any good.
Screw it, she says. Cars busted anyway. Have you seen the bumper?
Maybe if you stopped hitting parked cars, Elody says with a snort.
Maybe if you had a car. Lindsay takes one hand off the wheel and leans over, reaching for her bag at my feet. As she tips she jerks the steering wheel, and the car runs up a little into the woods. Ally slides across the backseat and collapses into Elody, and they both start laughing.
I reach over and try to grab the wheel. Jesus, Lindz.
Lindsay straightens up and elbows me off. She shoots me a look and then starts fumbling with a pack of cigarettes. Whats up with you?
Nothing. I I look out the window, biting back tears that are suddenly threatening to come. I just want you to pay attention, thats all.
Yeah? Well, I want you to keep off the wheel.
Come on, guys. No fighting, Ally says.
Give me a smoke, Lindz. Elodys half reclining on the backseat, and she flails her arm wildly.
Only if you light one for me, Lindsay says, tossing her pack into the backseat. Elody lights two cigarettes and passes one to Lindsay. Lindsay cracks a window and exhales a plume of smoke. Ally screeches.
Please, please, no windows. Im about to drop dead from pneumonia.
Youre about to drop dead when I kill you, Elody says.
If you were gonna die, I blurt out, how would you want it to be?
Never, Lindsay says.
Im serious. My palms are damp with sweat and I wipe them on the seat cushion.
In my sleep, Ally says.
Eating my grandmas lasagna, Elody says, and then pauses and adds, or having sex, which makes Ally shriek with laughter.
On an airplane, Lindsay says. If Im going down, I want everyone to go down with me. She makes a diving motion with her hand.
Do you think youll know, though? Its suddenly important for me to talk about this. I mean, do you think youll have an idea of itlike, before?
Ally straightens up and leans forward, hooking her arms over the back of our seats. One day my grandfather woke up, and he swore he saw this guy all in black at the foot of his bedbig hood, no face. He was holding this sword or whatever that thingy is called. It was Death, you know? And then later that day he went to the doctor and they diagnosed him with pancreatic cancer. The same day.
Elody rolls her eyes. He didnt die, though.
He could have died.
That story doesnt make any sense.
Can we change the subject? Lindsay brakes for just a second before yanking the car out onto the wet road. This is so morbid.
Ally giggles. SAT word alert.
Lindsay cranes her neck back and tries to blow smoke in Allys face. Not all of us have the vocabulary of a twelve-year-old.
Lindsay turns onto Route 9, which stretches in front of us, a giant silver tongue. A hummingbird is beating its wings in my chestrising, rising, fluttering into my throat.
I want to go back to what I was sayingI want to say, You would know, right? You would know before it happenedbut Elody bumps Ally out of the way and leans forward, the cigarette dangling from her mouth, trumpeting, Music! She grabs for the iPod.
Are you wearing your seat belt? I say. I cant help it. The terror is everywhere now, pressing down on me, squeezing the breath from me, and I think: if you dont breathe, youll die. The clock ticks forward. 12:39.
Elody doesnt even answer, just starts scrolling through the iPod. She finds Splinter, and Ally slaps her and says it should be her turn to pick the music, anyway. Lindsay tells them to stop fighting, and she tries to grab the iPod from Elody, taking both hands off the wheel, steadying it with one knee. I grab for it again and she shouts, Get off! Shes laughing.
Elody knocks the cigarette out of Lindsays hand and it lands between Lindsays thighs. The tires slide a little on the wet road, and the car is full of the smell of burning.
If you dont breathe
Then all of a sudden theres a flash of white in front of the car. Lindsay yells somethingwords I cant make out, something like sit or shit or sightand suddenly
Well.
You know what happens next.
THREE
In my dream I am falling forever through darkness.
Falling, falling, falling.
Is it still falling if it has no end?
And then a shriek. Something ripping through the soundlessness, an awful, high wailing, like an animal or an alarm
Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep.
I wake up stifling a scream.
I shut off the alarm, trembling, and lie back against my pillows. My throat is burning and Im covered in sweat. I take long, slow breaths and watch my room lighten as the sun inches its way over the horizon, things beginning to emerge: the Victorias Secret sweatshirt on my floor, the collage Lindsay made me years ago with quotes from our favorite bands and cut-up magazines. I listen to the sounds from downstairs, so familiar and constant its like they belong to the architecture, like theyve been built up out of the ground with the walls: the clanking of my father in the kitchen, shelving dishes; the frantic scrabbling sound of our pug, Pickle, trying to get out the back door, probably to pee and run around in circles; a low murmur that means my moms watching the morning news.
When Im ready, I suck in a deep breath and reach for my phone. I flip it open.
The date flashes up at me.
Friday, February 12.
Cupid Day.
Get up, Sammy. Izzy pokes her head in the door. Mommy says youre going to be late.
Tell Mom Im sick. Izzys blond bob disappears again.
Heres what I remember: I remember being in the car. I remember Elody and Ally fighting over the iPod. I remember the wild spinning of the wheel and seeing Lindsays face as the car sailed toward the woods, her mouth open and her eyebrows raised in surprise, as though shed just run into someone she knew in an unexpected place. But after that? Nothing.
After that, only the dream.
This is the first time I really think itthe first time I allow myself to think it.
That maybe the accidentsboth of themwere real.
And maybe I didnt make it.
Maybe when you die time folds in on you, and you bounce around inside this little bubble forever. Like the after-death equivalent of the movie Groundhog Day. Its not what I imagined death would be likenot what I imagined would come afterwardbut then again its not like theres anyone around to tell you about it.
Be honest: are you surprised that I didnt realize sooner? Are you surprised that it took me so long to even think the word death? Dying? Dead?
Do you think I was being stupid? Naive?
Try not to judge. Remember that were the same, you and me.
I thought I would live forever too.
Sam? My mom pushes open the door and leans against the frame. Izzy said you felt sick?
II think I have the flu or something. I know I look like crap so it should be believable.
My mom sighs like Im being difficult on purpose. Lindsay will be here any second.
I dont think I can go in today. The idea of school makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever.
On Cupid Day? My mom raises her eyebrows. She glances at the fur-trimmed tank top thats laid out neatly over my desk chairthe only item of clothing that isnt lying on the floor or hanging from a bedpost or a doorknob. Did something happen?
No, Mom. I try to swallow the lump in my throat. The worst is knowing I cant tell anybody whats happeningor whats happenedto me. Not even my mom. I guess its been years since I talked to her about important stuff, but I start wishing for the days when I believed she could fix anything. Its funny, isnt it? When youre young you just want to be older, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.
My moms searching my face really intensely. I feel like at any second I could break down and blurt out something crazy so I roll away from her, facing the wall.
