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Lindsays right: Ms. Winters is definitely half greyhound.
Next time, Otto says.
There must be two thousand cigarette butts out there, Ms. Winters says. Youd think with all the health videos we show them
Theyre teenagers. They do the opposite of what you say. Thats part of the deal. Pimples, pubic hair, and bad attitude.
I almost lose it when Otto says pubic hair, and I think Ms. Winters will lecture him, but she only says, Sometimes I dont know why I bother.
Its been one of those days, huh? Otto says, and theres the sound of someone bumping against a desk, and a book thudding to the ground. Ms. Winters actually giggles.
And then, I swear to God, I hear them kissing. Not little bird pecks either. Open-mouthed, slurpy, moaning kind of kissing.
Oh, shit. I literally have to bite my own hand to keep from screaming, or crying, or bursting out laughing, or getting sickor all of the above. This. Cannot. Be. Happening. Im desperate to take out my phone and text the girls, but I dont want to move. Now I really dont want to get caught, since Otto and the Nazi will think Ive been spying on their little sex party. Barf.
Just when I feel like I cant stand one more second squeezed up next to the sweaty jerseys, listening to Otto and Winters suck face like theyre in some bad porno, the second bell rings. I am now officially late to eighth period.
Oh, God. Im supposed to be meeting with Beanie, Ms. Winters says. Beanies the students name for Mr. Beneter, the principal. Of all the shocking things that Ive heard in the past two minutes, the most shocking is that she knows the nicknameand uses it.
Get out of here, Mr. Otto says, and then I swearI swearI hear him smack her butt.
Oh. My. God. This is better than the time Marcie Harris got caught masturbating in the science lab (with a test tube up her you-know-what, if you believe the rumors). This is better than the time Bryce Hanley got suspended for briefly running an online porn site. This is better than any scandal thats hit Thomas Jefferson so far.
Do you have class? Ms. Winters says, practically cooing.
Im done for the day, Otto says. My heart sinkstheres no way Ill be able to stay here for another forty-five minutes. Never mind the cramp snaking up my hamstrings and thighs: Ive got amazing gossip to spread. But I have to set up for soccer tryouts.
Okay, babe. Babe? Ill see you tonight.
Eight oclock.
I hear the door open and I know Ms. Winters has left. Thank God. From the way they were pillow talking I was worried I was about to be treated to the symphony of another make-out session. Im not sure my hamstrings or my psyche could take it.
After a few seconds of moving around and tapping some things on the keyboard, I hear Otto go to the door. The room next to me goes dark. Then the door opens and closes, and I know Im in the clear.
I say a silent hallelujah and stand up. The pins and needles in my legs are so bad I nearly topple over, but I toddle over to the door and lean into it. When I make it outside I stand there stamping my feet and taking long, deep breaths of clean air. Finally I let it out: I throw my head back and laugh hysterically, cackling and snorting and not even caring if I look deranged.
Ms. Winters and Mr.-effing-Otto. Who would have guessed it in a million, trillion years?
As I head up from the gym it strikes me how strange people are. You can see them every dayyou can think you know themand then you find out you hardly know them at all. I feel exhilarated, kind of like Im being spun around a whirlpool, circling closer and closer around the same people and the same events but seeing things from different angles.
Im still giggling when I get to Main, even though Mr. Kummer will freak that Im late, and I still have to stop by my locker and pick up my Spanish textbook (he told us on the first day that we should treat our textbooks like children. Obviously, he doesnt have any). Im pressing Send on a text to Elody, Ally, and Lindsayu ll nvr believe what jst happndwhen, bam! I run smack into Lauren Lornet.
Both of us stumble backward, and my phone flies out of my hand and skitters across the hall.
Shit! We collide so hard it takes me a second to recover my breath. Watch where youre going.
I start toward my phone, wondering if I can ask her to pay if the screens cracked or something, when she grabs my arm. Hard. What the?
Tell them, she says wildly, pushing her face up to mine. Youve got to tell them.
What are you talking about? I try to pull away, but she grabs my other arm too, like she wants to shake me. Her face is red and splotchy and she has an all-over sticky look. Its obvious shes been crying.
Tell them I didnt do anything wrong. She jerks her head back over her shoulder. Were standing directly in front of the main office, and I see her in that moment the way she was yesterday, hair hanging over her face, tearing down the hall.
I really dont know what youre talking about, I say, as gently as possible, because shes freaking me out. She probably has biweekly visits with the school psychologist to control her paranoia, or OCD, or whatever her issue is.
She takes a deep breath. Her voice is shaky. They think I cheated off you in chem. Beanie called me in. But I didnt. I swear to God I didnt. Ive been studying.
I jerk back, but she keeps her grip on my arms. The feeling of being caught in a whirlpool returns, but this time its horrible: Im being pulled down, down, down, like theres a weight on me.
You cheated off me? My words feel like theyre coming from a distance. I dont even sound like myself.
I didnt, I swear to God I Lauren gives a shuddering sob. Hell fail me. He said he would fail me if my grades didnt get better, and I got a tutor and now they think Ihe said hed call Penn State. Ill never go to college and Iyou dont understand. My dad will kill me. Hell kill me. She really does shake me then. Her eyes are full of panic. You have to tell them.
I finally manage to wrench away. I feel hot and sick. I dont want to know this, dont want to know any of it.
I cant help you, I say, backing away, still feeling like Im not actually saying the words, just hearing them spoken aloud from somewhere.
Lauren looks like Ive just slapped her. What? What do you mean you cant help? Just tell them
My hands are shaking as I go to pick up my phone. It slips out of my grasp twice and lands back on the floor both times with a clatter. Its not supposed to be like this. I feel like someones pressed the Reverse button on a vacuum cleaner and all of the junk Ive done is spewing back onto the carpet for me to see.
Youre lucky you didnt break my phone, I say, feeling numb. This cost me two hundred dollars.
Were you even listening to me? Laurens voice is rising hysterically. I cant bring myself to meet her eyes. Im screwed, Im finished
I cant help you, I say again. Its like I cant remember any other words.
Lauren lets out something thats halfway between a scream and a sob. You said I shouldnt be nice to you today. You know what? You were right. Youre awful, youre a bitch, youre
Suddenly its like she remembers where we are: who she is, and who I am. She claps her hand over her mouth so quickly it makes a hollow, echoing sound in the hallway.
Oh, God. Now her voice comes out as a whisper. Im so sorry. I didnt mean it.
I dont even answer. Those wordsyoure a bitchmake my whole body go cold.
Im sorry. Iplease dont be mad.
I cant stand itcant stand to hear her apologize to me. And before I know it Im runningfull-out running down the hall, my heart pounding, feeling like I need to scream or cry or smash my fist into something. She calls after me, but I dont know what it is, I dont care, I cant know, and when I push into the girls bathroom, I throw my back against the door and sink down against it until my knees are pressed into my chest, my throat squeezed up so tight it hurts to breathe. My phone keeps buzzing, and once Ive calmed down a bit, I flip it open and find texts from Lindsay, Ally, and Elody: What? Dish. Spill. Did u make up w Rob?
I throw my phone into my bag and rest my head in my hands, waiting for my pulse to return to normal. All of the happiness I felt earlier is gone. Even the Otto and Winters situation doesnt seem funny anymore. Bridget and Alex and Anna and Sarah Grundel and her stupid parking space and Lauren Lornet and the chem testit feels like Ive been caught up in some enormous web and every way I turn I see that Im stuck to someone else, all of us wriggling around in the same net. And I dont want to know any of it. Its not my problem. I dont care.
Youre a bitch.
I dont care. I have bigger things to worry about.
Finally I stand up. Ive given up on going to Spanish. Instead I splash cold water on my face and then reapply my makeup. My face is so pale under the harsh fluorescent lights, I hardly recognize it.
ONLY THE DREAM
Come on, cheer up. Lindsay whacks me on the head with a pillow. Were sitting on the couch in Allys den.
Elody pops the last spicy tuna roll into her mouth, which Im not sure is such a great idea, as its now been perched on an ottoman for the past three hours. Dont worry, Sammy. Robll get over it.
All of them think Robs the reason Im quiet. But of course, it isnt. Im quiet because as soon as the clock inched its way past twelve, the fear crept back in. Its been filling me slowly, like sand running through an hourglass. With every second Im getting closer and closer to the Moment. Ground zero. This morning I was certain that it was simplethat all I had to do was stay away from the party, stay away from the car. That time would lurch back on track. That I would be saved.
But now my heart feels like its being squashed between my ribs, and it gets harder and harder to breathe. Im terrified that in one secondin the space between a breatheverything will evaporate into darkness, and Ill once again find myself alone in my bedroom at home, waking up to the screaming of the alarm. I dont know what Ill do if that happens. I think my heart will break. I think my heart will stop.
Ally switches off the television and throws down the remote. What should we do now?
Let me consult the spirits. Elody slides off the couch and onto the floor, where earlier wed set up a dusty Ouija board for old times sake. We tried to play, but everyone was obviously pushing, and the indicator kept zipping onto words like penis and choad, until Lindsay started screaming Perv spirits! Child molesters! into the air.
