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“Yeah… we both know it’s Lila.”
“That’s how she always has those two boys falling all over themselves for her,” I said.
“Too true,” Josie agreed. “I wish she were here this weekend with us.”
I glanced down at my drink again. Oh boy. Here we go.
Josie cocked her head at me. “Why isn’t she here with us, Mars?”
“Uh…”
Derek shot me a pointed look. “Marley hasn’t told her we’re dating.”
“What?” Josie gasped. “Why not? That’s absurd. She’s been your bestie since second grade.”
“She’s… busy,” I offered lamely.
Derek threw up his hands. “Maybe you can talk some sense into her. She’s been saying that all summer.”
“She is busy,” I said. “PT school is very demanding, and she had that internship all summer. I think she was working even more than during the school year, which I hadn’t thought was possible.”
Josie gave me a blank look that would mean nothing to anyone else, but I knew all too well that it meant she was trying to keep her cool. She was mad at me for not telling Lila. It was one thing to keep it a secret from Lila before we were officially dating, but it was another thing to purposely not tell her.
I’d had the opportunity at the funeral to divulge it all, but it had been so precarious. So unknown still. I hadn’t wanted to ruin it by letting anyone know what was really going on. Only Gran had that information. But it was beyond that now… and we all knew it.
“I’m going to get us more drinks,” Derek said.
It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten irritated that Lila didn’t know. And I was going to tell her… I was.
“Marley,” Josie said slowly.
“I know. I know. I’ll tell her.”
“Will you?”
I bit my lip. “I don’t know.”
“Tell me what’s going on here. You like Derek, right?”
“Yes.”
“And he’s really into you. I can tell.”
“Yeah.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
I shook my head. I wished that I could explain it. Explain the fear that gripped me. I’d lost him once. I’d lost him before he was ever really mine to begin with. And at some point, I’d have to put my trust in him that he wasn’t going to go anywhere. I just hadn’t gotten there yet. He’d broken something fragile in me. I didn’t know how to put it back together. And telling Lila would change it. That was what my gut told me, and my gut was always right.
“You’re scared,” Josie said intuitively. She gripped my wrist and leaned in. “Because it’s not real until Lila knows, is it?”
A tear welled in my eye, and I brushed it aside. “I guess not.”
“You can’t do this. It’s no way to live, Marley.”
“Not everyone can easily throw their feelings around like you and Lila,” I said, pulling back. “I don’t want to be hurt.”
“That’s part of life.”
“He already hurt me once.”
Josie narrowed her eyes. “But you’re with him again anyway. It’s not fair to hold it over him like that. You either move on from what happened in the past or you leave him. That’s it, Mars.”
“I know,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn’t lose him. I was holding on so tight and too loosely at the same goddamn time. “I know, okay?”
Josie nodded, rubbing my shoulder. “You know why you’re freaking out, right?”
“Why?”
“Because you love him.”
Derek returned at that very moment with a tray of shots. So, I never got to confirm the words that had left Josie’s mouth. But her soft smile said that she knew she’d hit the nail on the head.
I was in love with Derek Ballentine. And I didn’t want to be.
28
Harvard
October 26, 2013
I stared out at the mountain of powder coming down out of the sky with a pout on my lips. “It never snows on my birthday.”
Derek laughed. “We’re in New England. It can snow before Halloween.”
Which was true but something that I’d never considered in all of my twenty-five years. It was also the first birthday I’d be spending without my brother. Maddox was out in LA for something to do with animation, and Derek had suggested getting a cabin in New Hampshire for the weekend. Just the two of us. I’d expected some wooden cabin with crappy running water and a fireplace for heat. This was a five-star-hotel vibe with fur rugs, central heating, and a Jacuzzi tub with jets. The bed was a California king, loaded with comforters and a plethora of throw pillows.
“You know this is all too much,” I told him.
“It’s your birthday.” His hands slipped under my jacket, dragging me closer to him, and he dropped a kiss onto my mouth. “Never too much.”
“Well, thank you. This is an excellent present.”
His brow furrowed. “I still got you a present.”
“No!” I groaned. “Derek!”
He laughed and tugged me back toward the bedroom. “What did you expect? I like to give presents.”
