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Now, I had exactly what I wanted. Was I just going to let her go? Could I live with myself if I did?
I looked at Ash and saw a shell of the person he’d been when he was with Lila. He was just coming out of it and willing to see that he could be someone else without her. I didn’t want to go through that. I didn’t want a life without Marley.
“Fuck,” I spat.
Ash smiled then. “Glad you finally got there.”
“I have to go after her.”
“Yeah, you idiot,” Ash said with a laugh.
I shook my best friend’s hand. He looked happy for me and just a touch sad. Sad that it wouldn’t be that easy for him. But still, he wanted this for me, and I appreciated him saying the things I hadn’t wanted to hear.
“Thanks for everything,” I told him.
His smile widened. “Glad to help.”
“You’re a dick though.”
He laughed. “Yeah. And you’re an asshole.”
“True. We’re quite a pair.”
Ash pushed me toward the door. “Go the fuck after her.”
“I will,” I told him with confidence. “But I have to do one thing first.”
38
Atlanta
Present
Cole Davis pulled me into a hug before Lila could even get inside my apartment. I leaned into my best friend’s boyfriend and tried to keep it together. Lila had known Cole nearly as long as Ash. They had a history that rivaled that whole problem with Ash. If anyone knew what I was going through, it was them.
“Sorry to hear about all this,” he said. “We brought pizza.”
“And ice cream.” Lila held it up and pushed her boyfriend out of the way. “I brought the goods.” She shoved everything into Cole’s hands and then gave me a hug. “We love you, Mars.”
“Love you too.” I sniffled and headed into the kitchen.
I’d gotten back into Atlanta late the night before after talking on the phone the entire four-hour drive back. Lila for the beginning and switching to Josie for the West Coast time on the drive. Lila had insisted she’d come over the next day since it was the Falcons bye week. Josie was jumping on the first flight into Atlanta, even when I’d insisted she didn’t need to fly in from LA when she’d been here last weekend. But she’d laughed at me and bought tickets while we were on the phone.
Now, Lila and Cole were here with pizza and ice cream. They both rolled their eyes when I told them Josie would be here soon.
“It’s just like her to do some grand gesture,” Lila said with a laugh.
Cole shook his head. “Josie is one of a kind.”
“You just like her because of what she did this summer.”
“Hey, I can’t deny that,” he said with a mischievous smile as he dipped his head in for a kiss.
I rolled my eyes at their display. I wasn’t mad that they were happy. They deserved it and all, but sometimes the cute was a lot.
I loaded up a paper plate with pizza and sank onto the couch to watch the Sunday night game. Both Lila and Cole worked for the Falcons and had always loved professional football. Cole’s dad had been a coach for the team since they were in college. I didn’t care much about any of it, but it was mind-numbing enough and had the benefit that I didn’t have to interact.
“Patriots are definitely going to hold on to this one.”
Cole laughed. “Nah, Sunflower. I think the Ravens have this one.”
“They’re undefeated. It seems unlikely,” she said, nudging him out of the way. She pointed at me. “Drink?”
“I’m okay. I’ll take the ice cream though.”
“Your wish is my command.”
Cole went on about how the Ravens were the superior team. He had a list of facts that mostly went over my head, but Lila could keep up with him. She loved football more than anyone I’d ever met, and Cole Davis had played college ball at UGA. Match made in heaven.
Lila handed me the pint of strawberry, and I dived in.
I’d cried on the way home, but I’d been bereft since then. It was like I couldn’t bring myself to cry over Derek anymore. After all, I’d brought the whole thing on myself. I hated him the moment I saw him step up to Gran’s front door. I knew how much of a bad idea it was. Over and over again, we’d hurt each other. If only I’d sworn him off like I’d decided after finding out about Kasey.
But no, I went back for more. I convinced myself that Gran’s death was a new moment for me. She’d wanted me to be happy. She had always wanted that for me. Derek was the one I wanted. It had never been easy to stay away from him. Especially when he was the person who had been there for me after Gramps. A part of me wanted him to be the one to put me back together again after Gran too.
