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Kirian isn’t Phil. In the past, I’ve known that the guys I dated weren’t Phil, but still. I was never really comfortable. The lights always had to be off, and it had to be barely anything. Sex was something I did because I thought I wanted it, but then I always couldn’t wait to get it done and over with. I’ve done some online therapy over the years, and it has helped, but as far as having a boyfriend or wanting sex, they’re pretty much out of the question.
I was young, and I didn’t want any attachments.
I’ve always sucked at personal relationships.
Because of the way I grew up, bouncing around from place to place, never really feeling safe, never properly cared for, never loved, I have a lot of hang-ups about trusting other people.
The one person I did trust—my sister—basically chose logic and comfort over me. I don’t blame her for it. Not after what we went through. I understood, but I also didn’t.
Holy crap, there are still a lot of people looking at me, and here I am, getting buried in the past, thinking about all this hurtful, painful stuff right here in Kirian’s kitchen, in front of his family.
I do realize that this time, it’s different. I’m not thinking about those things because I feel them. Rather, I’m thinking about them because I don’t. For once, I’m not uncomfortable. Mortified to be caught kissing Kirian? Maybe. Intimidated and overwhelmed by so many people all at once? Definitely. But regretful of the kiss? Nope, not one bit. Do I want more with the lights on, in full daylight, such as a kitchen bang, wall bang, floor bang, or bed bang? Yes, I must say that I do. Do I feel weird about it? No. Regardless, am I getting more and more flustered because I can’t stop thinking about it, and people are still looking at me? You bet.
“Okay.” Kirian claps his hands. “I’m serious. Before you all overwhelm Lindy and send her running for the hills, everyone out.” He herds his family out as they protest and grumble good-naturedly the whole way.
I stay in the kitchen. My eyes stray to the remainder of the cake, and my body burns. I’m unfamiliar with these sensations. I’ve always been slightly ashamed of my body and its natural reactions, but as I stare at the cake, I curl my hands into fists, and I refuse. I refuse to go there again. I refuse to let my past dictate who I can and can’t be, and I refuse to believe I don’t deserve this.
Deserve what? What is this? A kiss? One. Kiss. Come on. Kirian is looking for a way out of this, and I’m not even supposed to see him again after today. I also said I’d turn into a pumpkin at five. After that, it’s game over, even if we really are soulmates.
I’m not a big believer in relationships, obviously, so thinking about being someone’s soulmate is crazy. But I’ve always wanted to be a part of a family. A. Real. Family. For just a few minutes today, even if it was wild and noisy and a lot all at once, I felt it. It was kind of wonderful and awesome. The cake even said, “Welcome to the family.” Suddenly, my life back at the house I’m renting seems even lonelier. I knew it was lonely, but this is just hardcore in my face proof. Standing here in this oversized kitchen with laughter echoing in the other room makes me feel sad. Extra sad. It’s all wrong. I shouldn’t be feeling anything because this whole thing is just so ultra crazy. I should be bolting for the door. I shouldn’t even be here.
So it was a kiss—one kiss. One in which I didn’t recoil in horror. But it still doesn’t mean anything, no matter how good it was for me.
I need to get myself together because this is the kind of thing that can come out of nowhere and kill me super slowly in some ultra-gruesome way. Not a swift death but a slow and torturous emotional death, right on the heels of an emotional awakening. That kiss has the power to wreck parts of me, just like how I wrecked parts of Kirian’s security. Except I can’t come and put it back together after because I’m not a computer. My brain isn’t made up of strings of code that I can just hack into and obliterate or put back together.
Good ever-loving cake, I can still taste vanilla cake and Kirian on my tongue. How am I supposed to concentrate and think sad thoughts when I’m still being consumed by Kirian-fire? Am I here because Kirian wants me here, or am I here just because of the curse? I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. And did he kiss me because he wanted to or just because he needed the icing cleaned off his face?
