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The fear in his tone is so raw and bared that it makes my chest ache, and it makes me far more honest than I’d like to be. It’s like the words are just flooding out, and I can’t stop them. “I’m sometimes scared I’ll disappear too. Or rather, I guess I should say I’m scared at the fact that I don’t really know who I am.”
“I should want you to become air,” he groans. “Thin air. Because it would be easier if you left me behind and never looked back. I should want that because, in the past, it’s what I’ve always told myself I wanted.”
“No strings.” I hold out both hands by my face and wriggle my fingers. “Remember? We’re both good at that. At the no-strings thing.”
“If we both become air,” Kirian says, considering it as if it’s a serious option, “then we’d be good for each other. Everyone needs air for breathing. Everyone. Air is so bloody vital that it’s not even funny.”
I try to hold back a smile. “Well, it is kind of funny.”
“Maybe just a little.” He clears his throat roughly. “I have a thousand reasons why I’m flawed too. Probably more. If you truly don’t want to see me again, then we can probably do that. I’m sure it’d be fine. The curse probably won’t come for us since it’s supposed to be a good curse. Although, I’m not sure about that. I don’t actually know how it would react if we tried to stay apart permanently. I think maybe it would cut us some slack.
“So, if that’s what you want, I’ll respect that because I don’t want to force you into anything. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But if it’s just that you’re scared, then maybe, if you would reconsider the not seeing each other thing, we could try it, bit by bit. Kind of how regular, non-cursed people do. You could choose the place, pick the dates, and set the pace all the time, in all ways, if you want. I’m sorry if I rushed you into doing something you weren’t comfortable with.”
“No!” I can’t let him think that just because of what happened to me a long time ago. I would never think he could be capable of doing something like that to me. I know he would never hurt me, and I know it down to the most basic building blocks that hold me together and make me who I am. “No, you didn’t force me, and I was comfortable with all of it. I would have told you if I wasn’t. In fact, I was the exact opposite of uncomfortable or rushed. I was very, very willing, and it was a very incredible experience. And I meant it when I said thank you for everything. With you, I just feel…I don’t know. I want to say free, but that’s not the right word. It was wonderful. You’re wonderful. But every single thing in my life that had ever been on the verge of being good hadn’t lasted, and I don’t want you to go up in flames.”
Kirian smiles softly back at me. He doesn’t look intimidated by that reference or anything else I’ve said. “I’m not worried about combustion issues, and I’m certainly not scared of you. No one knows how things will work out, but the best anyone can do is try. My dad didn’t, and I also know lots of people who don’t. Maybe a lot of relationships fail, but most people don’t have the benefit of being cursed, having a glowing necklace, a meddling granny, software to be hacked, a house to be broken into, and did I mention my meddling granny and all my other family members? Oh, and the curse?”
I don’t know. I just can’t fight this anymore. I can’t make myself want to make Kirian leave. And maybe the curse wouldn’t be so benign if we split up. Who knows what would happen? I mean, if there were a legit reason I could think of right now to never see him again, I’d say it, and I’d make sure I did what I had to do, but being scared isn’t a good reason for anything. And having no experience isn’t a good reason either. If I were jumping into the deepest cold waters of the deep end with both feet first without knowing how to swim, then yeah, that would be a mistake, but that’s not what Kirian is talking about.
“Maybe, if you want me to come and do some work for you for a few hours on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, in the afternoon, say from one to five, I could handle that. And we could maybe go from there? I’ve never been on a real date in my life, not anything I’d consider a date at least, but I’d be willing to try once every week or just hang out with people you know. Or even your family.”
