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“It’s not safe, Bennett. Lightning strikes the tallest thing and we’d be the tallest things on the pass. A high mountain pass is one of the worst places to be when lightning strikes,” Xander said as he began removing his pack. He leaned back against a tree and pulled the hair tie from his hair, releasing the gorgeous locks. I desperately wanted to run my hands through the soft tangle of wavy hair.
“I thought it wasn’t safe to stand near trees during lightning,” I groused, looking around at the thick cluster of pines around us. I worked my own pack off and let it fall to the ground. We’d been hiking for hours and unlike with the kids, the pace had been much quicker and the terrain more difficult. I’d known that the several breaks Xander had made us take throughout the morning hadn’t been for his benefit, and that had just pissed me off. For some reason I didn’t want to think too much about, I wanted him to see me as his equal… especially out here.
In his world.
“Bennett, just take a few minutes to catch your breath,” he said gently.
If he’d said it with a pissy attitude, I would have been fine. But knowing it was exactly as I’d thought— that he was doing all this for my benefit— set me off. I jerked my pack off the ground and said, “Stop fucking around, Xander.”
Then I was striding towards the clearing. I ignored him when he shouted my name, but I couldn’t ignore it when he grabbed my arm.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he yelled as he dragged me backwards.
“Let go!” I snapped as I turned to swipe at him. But he was stronger than me, and he easily pulled me back into the woods and then slammed me up against the tree he’d been leaning against moments earlier.
“I told you it wasn’t safe!” he bit out.
“And I’m calling bullshit,” I retorted. “Stop fucking babying me, Xander. You made your point, okay!”
“What point?” His fingers were biting into my arms and the pack was digging into my back, but I didn’t give a shit. All the emotions I’d been holding in for the past few days came rushing forward all at once and full force.
“That I don’t fit! That I don’t belong here!”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I know you think what I did to you when we were kids was about that, but it wasn’t!”
I needed to stop, because I was saying things I’d vowed to leave behind us. But it was like my mouth was on autopilot. “You want to get back at me, fine! But don’t do it while one of my kids is out there!”
Xander released me and stepped back. He shook his head. “What are you saying, Bennett? You think I’m getting some kind of revenge on you by what? Slowing us down? Purposely keeping us from reaching Jake and Jimmy?”
“Yes… no… I don’t fucking know. I think you’re pissed I insisted on coming, and I think you want me to know that I don’t belong out here. That I don’t belong with…”
“With what?”
But my brain finally caught up with my mouth and I snapped it shut. “Never mind.” Since he’d released me, I lowered the pack to the ground just to give my hands something to do.
“Answer me, damn it,” Xander bit out.
“No. It’s not important.”
He was on me just like that. His big body forced mine flush with the tree and he pinned me in with his arms. “Do you actually think I see you as less? Like the way people saw me when we were kids?”
His voice was so soft and gentle; it was my undoing.
“I think you see me as one of them.” I swallowed hard and whispered, “I hate it.”
“I don’t,” he said with a shake of his head. “I could never see you that way, Benny.”
I wanted to believe him. I really did. “Then why didn’t you want me to come with you? Why did you make that crack about me needing to do everything you told me to?”
“Jesus, Bennett,” he said with a heavy sigh as he straightened and ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it back off his face. “I said that because I need to be able to keep you safe. I told you I didn’t want you to come because I was worried about you getting hurt.”
“What?” I asked.
“Worried isn’t even the right word,” he muttered. “I’m so freaking terrified of what could happen to you…” He shook his head. “Yes, it’s a relatively safe hike, but you’re never truly safe out here,” he said as he motioned to the woods around us. “And I took lots of breaks today to make sure you were okay and not pushing yourself too hard, because I know what a stubborn ass you can be and that you wouldn’t tell me when you needed to rest.”
