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When Xander and I had been eight years old, his dad had taken us camping in the Poconos. I remembered Mr. Reed teaching us how to fish and the look on Xander’s face the first time he’d gotten a bite on his line. I was pretty sure the fish had been less than two inches in length, but Xander had been proud as a fucking peacock about that thing. He’d danced around so long bragging about his big catch, that by the time he’d been ready to release it back into the water, the fish had been on its last legs. The poor little thing hadn’t made it, and Xander had been gutted.
He’d cried his fucking ass off, and later that night after Mr. Reed had gone to sleep, I’d snuck into Xander’s sleeping bag, wrapped my arms around him, and told him the little guy was in a better place. By the time I’d finished describing my idea of fishie heaven, Xander had been laughing so hard I’d had to cover his mouth with my hand so he wouldn’t wake up his father. We’d woken up the next morning in a tangle of limbs and it had just felt so normal and right. He’d been my best friend. Touching him hadn’t been weird, it had just been… natural.
At least I’d thought so. Until several years later when my dad had caught us curled up together on the sofa in the movie room watching Lord of the Rings. And then everything had changed. I’d thought I’d been protecting Xander, but now…
I still remembered Dad’s warning about me needing to keep my distance from Xander. To remember we were “just friends.” I’d laughed at first. Surely he’d been joking. Xander and I hadn’t just been friends, we’d been joined at the hip— we’d done everything together.
But that had been the beginning of things going bad for Xander and me. When I thought back on it now, I figured maybe my dad must have seen something even I hadn’t been able to at the time. I’d always thought my father’s issue with how close Xander and I had been had had to do with our difference in station. I’d only realized later on in life that it likely hadn’t had anything to do with Xander’s dad being a gardener and everything to do with the fact that I would eventually commit the ultimate transgression against my powerful, high-profile family by proving to be solely attracted only to members of my own sex.
Heat and pain warred inside my belly as I remembered the stricken way Xander had looked right before he’d said those terrible words.
He was my entire fucking world!
Regret seared my insides like acid as I considered the damage I’d done. It didn’t matter that I’d thought I’d been doing the right thing at the time… that I’d done what I’d done with a child’s naive understanding of the world. I’d hurt him beyond words. My big, strong, quiet Xander who’d always felt more deeply than he let on…
I dashed at the tears that began to pool in my eyes and leaned down to find the right kind of smooth rock from the ones scattered at the edge of the lake. When I found the perfect one, I flung it as hard as I could and watched it skip once, twice, four times across the glassy surface of the water.
“Holy shit, dude,” I heard from behind me. I turned around and saw a couple of the boys approaching and I quickly forced back the tears that were still threatening to fall. “That’s totally sick. Can you show us how to do that?”
I forced a smile to my lips and nodded. Regardless of how things were going with Xander, I needed to focus on why I was there— to show these kids some love and attention while allowing them to see how amazing their world was. They sure as hell didn’t need to know that all I wanted in this moment was to go find Xander and beg him to forgive me. To wrap my arms around him like I had when we were kids, and let the entire world around us disappear.
I spent the next thirty minutes teaching anyone who wanted to learn how to skip rocks. By the time we’d exhausted all the prime skipping rocks in our small section of the lake’s edge, Aiden had joined us to ask if I wanted to collect wood for the fire.
“Sure. Why don’t you remind the kids to fill up their water bottles and change into warmer clothes before the sun sets?” I suggested.
“No problem. If you run into Ranger Rick out there, tell him to get over himself and come help,” Aiden said.
I bit back a snarky retort, since I knew Aiden was just expressing his anger on my behalf. As I wandered into the woods, the fact that I chose to go in the direction Xander had earlier was a coincidence. Regardless, a few minutes later I heard rustling and cracking sounds and came upon Xander stomping on some fallen branches to break them apart. There was a tidy stack of firewood a few feet away. He’d obviously been busy while he’d been avoiding us… no, not us, me.
