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I wasn’t completely naïve, though. I suspected Aiden was attracted to me. Why else would he be doing all the nice little things for me like buying me treats and joking around with me? He clearly wanted something and since I didn’t have much to offer a guy like him, I could only figure what that one thing was.
But what had surprised me the most was my reaction to him. I’d been so stressed out about my new job and Billy finding out about it that I hadn’t even realized my attraction to Aiden until the first time he’d touched me as he’d handed me the scone and our fingers had grazed. It had lasted mere seconds, but I’d felt that touch everywhere. It wasn’t something I’d been prepared for.
On any level.
But I also knew I couldn’t act on it, even if the sensations I’d been feeling had been so much stronger with Aiden than they’d ever been with Billy. In a way, that almost made it worse. It didn’t really matter— it couldn’t happen, period. Even if I was the kind of guy who could just hook up with some random stranger— which I wasn’t— there was no way in hell I was going to risk letting Aiden get even that close to me. I couldn’t let anyone that close ever again.
The price was just too damn high.
“You good, honey?” Emily asked as she stepped into the small kitchen area. I was still standing over the sink, the dirty cookie sheet in hand. I wondered how long I’d been standing there like that for.
“I’m good,” I said, forcing myself to smile brightly at her, hoping it would ease some of the worry in her features. I couldn’t understand why she always looked at me with such concern, but it made me uncomfortable to know she seemed to be able to see through me so easily. With Aiden, I knew what his endgame was. I didn’t know what Emily’s was. It wasn’t like I was the best employee she’d ever had and she was afraid of losing me— god knew she could replace me with a snap of her fingers.
I thought my reassurance would help, but I couldn’t mistake the look that came into her eyes as she nodded slightly and said, “Okay.”
Disappointment.
I swallowed hard because I didn’t think her disappointment was actually in me, but rather, because of me. I dropped my eyes, the guilt weighing heavily on me because I just couldn’t figure out what she wanted from me. I told myself to keep my mouth shut, but just as I sensed her leaving the room, I said, “Emily?”
“Yeah, honey?”
I couldn’t look at her as I spoke because I didn’t want to see whatever expression stole across her features when she answered me. Hearing the words could be hard enough.
“I’m… I’m…” I stuttered at first. I had to suck in a deep breath because it was suddenly hard to breathe. “You’re not sorry, are you?” I finally managed to get out. “That you hired me?”
I wanted to call the question back as soon as it left my lips. But it was too late for that, so I just stood there as I waited to hear her answer.
“No, honey, I’m not sorry,” she said softly. “You’re doing a great job, Ash. I couldn’t be any prouder.”
I forced myself to look at her because it was hard to believe the words on their own. Billy always said a lot of what I wanted to hear, but I’d learned the truth could only be found in his eyes.
Even though I didn’t know much about Emily, I didn’t see anything in her gaze to indicate she was lying, so I nodded. “Thank you,” was all I managed to say. I hoped she realized I was thanking her for more than just the compliment.
A lot more.
“You’re welcome, honey. I’ll see you out there, okay?”
I nodded again because my voice was too thick with emotion to do anything else. Between Aiden’s latest act of kindness, Emily’s sincerity, and my small act of defiance this morning, I was wiped out. I heard rather than saw Emily leave, so I quickly turned on the faucet so I could finish cleaning up and get back to work.
When my shift was finally over at noon, I removed my apron and shrugged on my coat. I patted my pockets out of habit before remembering I’d lost my journal. Maybe I would stop on my way home and pick up a small spiral notebook to replace it. I had to face the fact it was gone. One more piece of my past I’d lost.
As I waved my goodbyes to Emily and the others, I pushed out of the front door of the shop and into the cold, clear day. If I remembered correctly, there was a corner store several doors down from the cafe in the opposite direction from the subway station. Maybe I could find what I needed there. I did a one-eighty with the intent of looking for it and ran right into someone, their thick wool overcoat brushing softly against my cheek.
