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I looked up to see him biting his arm, eyes wide in surprise and pupils blown in pleasure.
He was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. And for the moment, he was all mine.
My chest squeezed in a confusing vise. How the hell was I ever supposed to let him go?
As we lay there trying to catch our breath, with my head resting on his hip and his hands stroking through my hair again, I realized I’d never have the strength to walk away on my own.
I was going to have to come clean to my brother.
And hope like hell he didn’t beat the shit out of me.
The following morning I followed Lucky to Missoula to drop his car off. He’d ride to Haven with me and then ride back with Minna who’d be coming home a week later to visit her own family.
The twelve hours we spent in the truck together went by in a blink. Lucky told me funny stories from his time as an adventure leader for his dads’ camp programs and harrowing ones from his time as an EMT, then a paramedic. I told him more about my time in the army, including stories about the guys on my team I’d lost. I had no clue how he managed to get the information out of me because talking about Kaminski, Teller, and Mac was something I just didn’t do. But somehow telling Lucky about the good times I’d had with my brothers-in-arms was like a strange balm of sorts.
I also told him about childhood adventures I’d gotten up to with Jake and Tag, and how much fun we’d had.
By the time we crossed into Colorado, Lucky was snoring softly with his head in my lap. I ran my fingers through his soft hair. He was so damned young. The skin on his face was still smooth and unblemished, despite the hours he’d spent in the sun, the same hours that had lightened his hair and built out his frame in the time since I’d last seen him in Haven.
That Christmas seemed so long ago now, but the heartbroken look on his face was never going to leave me. The knowledge that I was going to hurt him all over again like that sickened me.
I was saved from the disheartening direction of my thoughts when the phone rang through the truck speakers.
“Yeah,” I answered quietly, despite knowing the hands-free would wake Lucky up.
“Hey, man,” Jake said. “I was calling to see if it was okay if we put you up at Xander and Bennett’s lodge. The cabin at our place is still under renovation. We were hoping to have it done in time for your visit, but—”
I cut him off. “Yeah, that’s fine. Of course. I have Lucky, so I’m heading there first anyway.”
There was a pause. “You have Lucky? With you in the car?”
I winced as I realized everyone was still under the belief that Lucky had been in Yellowstone, not in Glacier with me. “Yeah, uh…” I scrambled to think of a way to explain myself when Lucky’s groggy voice chimed in.
“Hey, Jake. It’s a long story, okay? Don’t tell my dads. I’ll explain when I get there.” He sat up and stretched, running fingers into his hair and looking out the windshield to see where we were. “Should be there in about an hour or so, I think,” he added.
Jake gave an awkward reminder to be safe and ended the call. I glanced over at Lucky.
“I’m proud of you.”
He turned to me, eyes wide. “What for?”
“Telling the truth to your family even when it’s hard.”
I glanced back at the road, but turned back toward Lucky when he didn’t respond. He was pensive.
“Zach… you know you have some truths to tell too.”
I focused back on the road ahead. “Mpfh.”
Lucky reached over and ran warm fingertips up the back of my neck into my short hair. “Will you at least consider it? Everything you said about my fathers loving me and supporting me is true for you and Jake too. You know that.”
I grunted again, unwilling to turn this around to me. The idea of coming clean to Jake about how I’d failed the men who’d depended on me to keep them alive wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t have my brother looking at me with that mix of pity and disappointment. And if he ever found out about my relationship with Mitch… no fucking way.
“Just think about it,” he said softly before turning to face out his window. “Life’s too short for painful secrets and holding back.”
Silence fell between us for the rest of the ride into Haven and down the quiet side street to his parents’ large property. The familiar wooden lodge dominated the scene with its wide front porch and hanging flower baskets overflowing with summer color. The late setting sun gave the entire picture a warm glow that seemed to have a similar effect on Lucky’s mood.
