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The sight of the ugly bruise that was starting to form on his skin made my stomach rumble in protest, and I instantly released Lucky and scrambled backwards. Lucky’s tirade ended mid-sentence and he quickly sat up.
I’d attacked him.
My eyes flitted to his throat again. He must have known what I’d been thinking because his fingers drifted up to his neck.
“What happened?” I bit out as I dropped my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at the fucking marks and know I’d put them there.
“I’m okay, Zach. You didn’t hurt me.”
I nearly laughed. His response was so Lucky. The bruises on his throat were already forming yet he was more concerned with reassuring me.
“What happened?” I repeated, this time more softly. I hated showing him any more vulnerability than he’d already been witness to, but I was desperate to know what had happened. “I remember the car and you helped me up here. You… you checked me over.” I glanced at the medical bag on the floor and sent Lucky a quick look.
Yeah, we would be addressing that later.
“What else do you remember?” Lucky asked. The pitying look he gave me had me getting off the bed. My knee protested the quick move, but I didn’t care. No way I could look at him right now.
“You said my name,” I admitted. “I thought it was a bad dream—me holding you down like that…” I fell silent as I remembered Lucky’s pale features as he’d struggled to breathe.
In my hold.
“You were asleep. I only meant to sit on the bed until Min and her girlfriend went to bed and then I was going to move to the sofa, but I guess… I guess I fell asleep. When I woke up, you and I were… we were…” Lucky paused and dropped his eyes. His cheeks filled with color. “I didn’t want you to wake up with me… like that.”
At that moment, I would have killed to know exactly what he was talking about. I’d had countless fantasies in the past two years about what it would be like to wake up in bed with Lucky.
Now I’d have to live with the nightmare of what I’d done.
“I tried to get to my phone without waking you but I must have jostled you or something because you…”
“Attacked you,” I finished for him.
Lucky shook his head. “No, you—you were just confused.”
“Confusion doesn’t leave bruises, Lucky!” I ground out. I began pacing because if I didn’t keep moving, I’d put my fist through the wall like I wanted. The abject terror Lucky must have been feeling—
“Hey,” Lucky said as he scrambled out of bed and put himself right in front of me. When he reached for me, presumably to hold me closer to him, I stepped away from him. I hated the sadness that filled his pretty brown eyes but I didn’t dare step into him like I wanted. While I wasn’t about to physically hurt him, my body was too on edge and the sight of Lucky in his pajamas was too much of a temptation. If I got him flat on his back again, he’d most definitely stay there until I’d tasted every inch of him.
“I promise, Zach, it looks worse than it is,” he said somberly as he reached up to touch his throat. “I feel fine. And yeah, I was scared but I knew you wouldn’t—”
“Hurt you?” I offered, since that was exactly what I’d done. The guilt of it felt like a lead weight in my belly.
“I just had to make you see me. I knew that once you did…”
I didn’t bother completing his statement for him. We both knew there’d been no way for him to know he’d be able to snap me out of the episode.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Lucky took a step toward me. “It’s PTSD, isn’t it?”
I nodded because there was no point in trying to hide it. Hell, I’d practically waved it on a flag in front of him.
“Did it happen during your last deployment?”
I didn’t answer that question because I knew what his next one would be. He’d want to know the details of everything that’d happened to me. Nope, not going there.
“Does Uncle Jake know?” Lucky asked.
His use of the title of “uncle” for my brother made me want to laugh at the absurdity of it all. How the hell had I let this happen?
“Does he?” Lucky insisted. He was only feet away. It would be so easy to close the distance between us and take him like I wanted. He’d let me. I was sure of that. Despite what I’d done to him, I knew that if I said his name a certain way or touched him with the softest of caresses, he’d be mine.
For the night or for as long as I wanted.
