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It was time to get on board with the truth.
I wasn't enough.
Once again, I just wasn't enough.
Chapter 15
Zach
Zach… Zach, please…
"Zach!"
I jolted at the sound of my name being called in a voice which most definitely wasn't the same voice that had softly whispered into my ear over and over again the night before. Lucky had the most husky way of saying my name when he was begging me to let him come…
"Zach!"
This time, the frustrated voice pulled me from my thoughts and as the fog cleared from my muddled mind, I remembered where I was. My eyes locked with Tag's. He was standing at the back of the room, his expression one of confusion and concern. The dozen or so expressions of the students sitting in front of him were mainly just of confusion.
"So, yeah, that's…" I began, but then let my voice drop off as I once again shifted my gaze to Lucky's seat.
Lucky's empty seat.
Tag interrupted. “So I think what everyone can take from this discussion is that even if you're feeling just a little bit off, you need to remember that the lives of your teammates and the rescues are in your hands. The only time you should be getting on that rope is when you are one hundred percent on. Now, why don’t we take a short break and then we’ll move on to today's lesson?” His voice was steady and even as he excused the students. All I could do was stand there numbly as the room cleared.
"Hey, you okay?" Tag asked as he approached me. It was probably the tenth time he'd asked me that since I'd arrived at the hangar that morning.
I once again lied and said, "Yeah, I'm fine."
The truth was that I was anything but fine. I forced myself to tear my eyes from Lucky's seat and went around the desk to the whiteboard and began jotting down some of the points that we’d be discussing today.
"You sure?" Tag said. "Because you seem a little distracted."
I almost laughed at that. Distracted was the understatement of the decade. I was so much more than distracted.
I made some kind of sound that was supposed to pass as affirmation. Fortunately, Tag didn't push me with any more questions.
"Morrie called me from the hospital this morning. They're releasing him today. He should be cleared to resume his training by the end of the week."
"Uh-huh," I murmured.
"Not sure about Lucky, though," Tag said from behind me.
"What do you mean?" I asked. I managed to keep my attention on the board in front of me, but my ears were entirely focused on Tag.
"Guess I misjudged that kid. I thought he had what it took."
My grip tightened on the marker in my hand as I slowly turned around. Tag was toying with one of the ropes we used for demonstration purposes in the classroom. "What are you talking about?" I asked with barely leashed anger.
Tag shrugged and said, "Lucky… I mean, I get that yesterday freaked him out, but for him to decide to just call it quits without even discussing it with me is a bit of a disappointment."
"Quits?” I practically shouted. "He quit? He's leaving the program?"
"You'd think he could've had his chickenshit moment early enough that I could offer his spot to someone else, but I guess it's better to know now what a coward he is than when he's in the field for real."
I was on Tag before I even realized what I was doing. My hands curled around the front of his shirt and then my face was in his. "That kid has got more guts than you and I combined!" I snapped. "If I ever hear you talking about him like that again, you and I are going to have a serious problem, friendship or no friendship."
I shoved Tag hard and then hurried past him. The door to the classroom seemed like it was miles away.
Lucky is leaving.
No, he wasn't even just leaving. He was giving up on his entire dream because of me. Because I was a worthless piece of shit who'd taken the precious gift Lucky had given me and shit all over it.
The memory of how I'd walked out on Lucky without even a word hit me all over again. My stomach lurched violently, and it was all I could do not to lean over and just start puking all over Tag’s floor.
What have I done?
Over the years, I'd had more anonymous hookups than I could count, but I knew for a fact that I hadn't ever walked out on any one of those men or women as callously as I'd walked out on Lucky. Hell, even if I hadn't known my date’s name, I'd still had enough manners to bid them farewell or tell them I had a good time or whatever. I'd treated Lucky no better than if I'd paid him for his services. Christ, there had even been a few times where I had paid someone for sex and I'd still managed to be a decent human being around them.
