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“I… I can’t be fixed.” She disentangled herself from his arms and put some space between them. “Once I turn… asides from the fact that I will… I will…” She couldn’t say it. “… I won’t be able to have children anymore. Ever. You can’t fix that.”
“We don’t know that yet.”
“Yes, we do. You heard the doctor just as well as I did.”
“He said there are 98% chances you’ll… that the transformation… This still leaves 2%…”
“Let’s not lie to ourselves and put our hope in something that will most likely not happen.”
Avelyn had never looked so serious and down-to-earth. It was so unlike her to surrender to whatever was to come, and stop fighting. There was fierceness in her eyes, but it had nothing to do with the will to change her destiny. She was through with that.
“You should be angry,” she said all of a sudden. “You should be angry at me for running away the second time, at Sabine for… for…”
“For hurting you.”
“I sound so selfish, don’t I? You should be angry right now and tell me what a horrible person I am. I only think about myself. I don’t care about what others want, I don’t give a shit about my responsibilities, and I’m so, so ungrateful. You have all accepted me in your clan, gave me the most luxurious home a woman could ever desire, and look how I repay you.”
“Is that what you want? For me to be angry at you? To yell at you?”
“I… I…” She hung her head defeated, realizing how wrong everything sounded. If he had lashed out on her, then she could have taken the verbal blows and then felt better about herself. Doing something bad and then not being punished for it was a terrible thing to bear.
“Avelyn, of course I’m angry, but I’m also aware that it won’t do us any good if I start throwing a tantrum. When I went up to check on you during the party and you weren’t in the bedroom, nor in the Crescent tower, I was furious. But then, the moment I saw you lying there, on the ground, blood everywhere, your hair full of leaves and pine needles, all that anger flew out the window. You’re alive and you’re healthy, that’s all that matters.”
“Healthy…”
“I am angry at Sabine for having done this to you, but… I can’t hate her. I’m sorry, maybe I should. I can’t.”
Avelyn lifted her head and looked into his eyes. There was something in his voice, a hint of deep regret, of something unsolved and so painful that most people couldn’t have lived with it.
“Sabine lost everything once. I don’t know how much she told you and how much of it she altered. I am angry that she hurt you trying to get to me, but the more I think of it, the more I turn this whole mess on all sides, the more I realize that none of you two is really to blame. Your running away, her betrayal and revenge… they were reactions. You were both reacting to things I did in the past. If anything, I should be angry at myself.”
Avelyn studied him wearily, trying to take in his words and make sense of them, trying to see how they fit in the picture.
“But there’s enough time for anger and regret,” he continued. “Right now, we have to focus on what we can do to make things better. I need you to tell me everything, Avelyn. Everything from the moment you came to the Schloss to the moment you and Sabine ended up face to face in the woods and she bit you. I need to know. We must find her as soon as possible, and you might have information that can be useful to us. There can be clues in what Sabine told you. We have to know how she thinks, what she wants, what her endgame is.”
Avelyn sighed. This was the moment she had dreaded, the moment when she had to let down her guard, break down the walls, and let him in, let him see her as she was. It was the moment of truth, and she was determined to spare no details even if it made her heart bleed and there was a fair chance he wouldn’t want to be with her anymore. There was only so much love could take and forgive. She ran her hands through her red curls, pulling at the knots and trying to smooth it down. He was waiting for her to start, and she bit her lip, inhaled, exhaled, tried to put her thoughts in order and decide where to start. It would be his turn later, after she’d have finished. He would have to tell her the real story behind Sabine’s imprisonment, but, until then, she knew she had to be the one to break the ice. Catching Sabine before she hurt anyone else depended on what she could remember of their long conversations through her cell door. So, Avelyn arranged her pillow and made herself comfortable. She tried to look into Max’s eyes as she spoke, but when she’d reach a particularly delicate issue, she’d avert her gaze and make long pauses. He listened to her patiently, smiled encouragingly, and squeezed her fingers from time to time. The sunset bathed the room in a warm, red light, but they paid it no mind. For them, time stood still.
After telling Max how she had decided to seduce him to gain his trust so he’d let her out of the room, Avelyn made a short pause and got up to pour herself a glass of water. It was getting more and more difficult. She could see in his eyes that every word she said hurt him deeply. She drank greedily and asked him if he was thirsty.
“No, thanks. I want to hear the rest of the story.”
Avelyn massaged her temples, unsure how to phrase her thoughts. “You have to know that I’ve never lied to you about my feelings. The moment I told you I loved you, I meant it.”
“I remember it took you some time to say the words,” he said with a weak, sad smile.
“But when I did, I was sure of it.”
“In that case, young lady, it sounds like you fell into your own trap, am I right?”
Avelyn laughed and her shoulders relaxed. “It’s what I do best, apparently.” She filled the glass again and set it on the nightstand, within reach. She sat down in front of him and looked him in the eyes, determined to hold his gaze as she told him the next part. He deserved that much. “Earlier, you wanted to know why I was so angry at Christine.”
“Yes…” His eyebrows furrowed in concentration.
“Before…” Her voice cracked, so she swallowed heavily and started again. “Before we went all the way for the first time, I wanted to make sure I didn’t get pregnant. I was completely focused on my plan to escape the Schloss, and I couldn’t risk having your baby and changing my mind.” She saw how all the blood drained from Max’s face. He was livid, and his eyes had lost their usual sparkle. “I asked Christine to help me. She was the only friend I had, so I tried to convince her that I wasn’t ready to have a baby… that I wasn’t prepared… the idea of becoming a mother scared me… She seemed to understand. She gave me an herbal mixture that was supposed to take care of this problem, and I had to take three drops with my tea every day. Silly me, right? It probably did nothing, and Christine only wanted me to take my mind off it and let go.”
Max tried to swallow past the lump that had risen in his throat, but didn’t have much success. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t trust his voice. Avelyn was still holding his gaze, and she seemed sincere. Ruthlessly sincere.
“Now you know. That’s why I was so shocked this morning when you and the doctor gave me the news. The more I think of it, though, the more I realize that, deep down, I had known all along. I wanted to believe that what Christine had given me could protect me from a pregnancy, but it was because I had no other option. Somehow, I knew it wouldn’t work, but staying away from you was awfully tiring and frustrating. I wanted you. Yes, I guess that’s it. I wanted you more than I wanted my plan to work. It’s stupid. It was like I was sabotaging myself. Anyway, by the Seed Moon, I had changed my mind and didn’t want to leave anymore. The morning right before the full moon ceremony I woke up and saw you next to me, and that was the happiest moment of my life. For the first time, I didn’t feel alone. I felt like I belonged. With you. I couldn’t deny that I had fallen in love with you and the month we spent together had made me change my dreams, my hopes for the future. I didn’t see myself in Italy anymore, on foreign streets, surrounded by strangers, trying to start over and make it on my own two feet. Instead, I saw myself with you, and the realization that I didn’t want to run away anymore came as a relief.”
