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“No. I’m here because you called me, but that doesn’t mean it’s your time. It’s not, trust me. I’m here to help you see there are other alternatives.”
“What alternatives?” She pointed at my scars. “What other alternatives were there for you?”
I took a deep breath. This was hard to talk about. I’d never told anyone about my darkest moments. Not even Headmaster Colin, even though he knew I used to cut myself. He never pushed me to give him details, so I didn’t. There was no point in it. The past was in the past, and all that mattered was that I’d stopped cutting. The urge was still there, sometimes. When life got too hard, when it was painful, when I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t be myself, live as this person who was nothing, this person who had this hole inside her, this void she couldn’t fill with anything and anyone. When the void grew larger than me, larger than the house I lived in and the life I had, until the void was me, I was the void, and I had to end it, because if I didn’t end it, it would keep growing and swallowing up all the good in the world. And this void within me hurt so much that I had to manifest that hurt on the outside. So, I cut. Because if my flesh bled with pain, then my soul could breathe again. The pain was on the outside, so my insides could rest.
I took her hand in mine and looked into her hazel eyes, doing my best to ignore the tiny blade in her other hand. It was better to focus on her, not on the object of destruction.
“There’s one thing that is true, universal, and all-encompassing. One.”
“What is it?”
“That all things pass. Good and bad. They pass.” Pandora had told me this, and she was right. “The way you feel now… it’s not forever. Nothing is forever. You feel like this today, you may feel the same tomorrow, and maybe even for another week. But it will stop at some point. All things change, and this will change, too. You just have to hang in there and do your best. That’s it.” I gave her a reassuring smile. “You don’t have to slay your demons today, go out there, conquer worlds, and achieve transcendence. Hell! You don’t even have to get off the floor and shower. Not today. But you can just sit here for a while, gather your thoughts and your strength, and tomorrow, maybe you can get up, go outside, and look at the sky. And that will be enough.”
Tears filled her eyes. I didn’t know her name, I didn’t know how she’d gotten where she was, lying on the floor, surrounded by garbage, and with a blade in her hand, but I knew that she was me and I was her. In that moment – that frozen moment in time – I knew we were one. I could feel her, and I could feel myself. We were part of the same universe, part of the same story. I could sense Valentine, Sariel, Francis, and Merrit behind me, watching my every move, listening to my every word. And they were me, and I was them. And it was okay. It was as it was supposed to be.
“I want to look at the sky today,” she said.
I bit the inside of my cheek. I wanted to laugh, hug her and congratulate her, but I knew it would have been too much. One step at a time. Too much enthusiasm could ruin everything.
“Okay, let’s go.”
I offered her my hand, and she took it. I helped her to her feet, then led her up the stairs and into the house. She looked around her like she didn’t recognize the place, then we both stepped outside. It must have been seven in the morning. All the houses in this part of town were almost in ruins, but the sun shined brightly, and birds chirped in the trees. She looked up at the cloudless sky, dragged a deep breath in, held it at the top, then released it slowly. And I could actually see some of the icky things that had clung to her aura detaching and vanishing under the blessed light of the sun. It was incredible what a little sunlight could do to a person’s energy field!
“Feeling better?”
“Yeah. Feeling better…”
She dropped the blade into the grass, and I caught its metallic flash from the corner of my eye. Before leaving, I made sure to take it with me. I wasn’t supposed to, but who cared about rules?
“Impressive work,” Morningstar said as we left the rundown house behind. “Daughter, I am pleased to say that you’re a natural. You’re going to make one hell of a Grim Reaper one day.”
“Thank you.”
Was it weird that I felt proud of myself? I’d been so afraid. But I hadn’t failed. On the contrary, I’d reaped a dozen souls in the middle of a war, and I’d saved one from an early demise. I hadn’t puked after teleporting a bunch of times, and I hadn’t run for my life in the desert. Yeah. I was proud of myself.
All our scythes started glowing in unison, and Morningstar pulled me to his side, throwing his cloak over my shoulders. Damn it! I have to find a spare moment and learn how to use that stupid teleportation pin.
“Sariel, it really is your turn this time,” he said.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
A dark alley in some big city. I didn’t recognize it. My space orientation is shit. No wonder Geography is
my least favorite subject. I suck at it. A thud and a cry of pain behind a dumpster. A burly man ran out and right through us, a black laptop bag in hand. He was unshaved and dressed poorly, so it was clear the bag didn’t belong to him. He’d just stolen it and left his victim beaten up on the ground.
“When you’re ready,” Morningstar commented, and I could tell he was impatient.
Sariel was hesitating. None of us knew what waited for us behind that dumpster, but we knew the victim was a man, and he was in great pain. We could hear how he was trying to crawl, to no avail. He screamed for help, but his voice was so weak that it barely penetrated the rumble of cars, trams, chatter, and music down the street. No one paid any attention to the back alley with its dumpsters, dark, menacing corners, rats, and smell of piss and feces. It was as if the main street was a world in and of itself, and the alley was a pocket universe everyone could glimpse from the corner of their eyes, but no one dared to enter. And for good reason.
Sariel was still hesitating.
The man grunted. It was obvious he was making a huge effort to pull himself up. It went like this for another few seconds, then he fell silent. All we could hear now was his labored breathing.
“Anytime you like, Mr. Gracewing.” Valentine’s voice was cold.
I looked at his profile. Aside from the fact that he was as pale as a ghost, Sariel’s eyes had grown wide with fear and panic. His fingers gripped and ungripped the handle of his scythe, and no matter how hard the blade glowed red, he couldn’t seem to bring himself to walk to the dumpster, look behind it, and do his job. He should have marched there, cut the man’s string of life, and released his soul from the pain of his body.
“Sariel,” I whispered, hoping to get his attention and snap him out of it. “Sariel, go.”
