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“What about them?” My blood pressure was rising, defenses up, temper flaring.
“Am I ever going to meet them?”
Just the thought of my father and mother seeing Chase in all his flamboyant glory made me wince.
“I see,” he said. “I’m going home.”
“They’re on the other side of the country. What’s the point in you meeting them?”
“The point…. Adan, I love you,” he said. I almost choked on thin air. “Yeah, it’s scary for you to hear, I know, which is why I haven’t said the words but—call me stupid—I thought you knew.”
I did know, because whether he remembered doing it or not, he had said he loved me once. I’d ignored it then and I planned to do the same thing now. But this time, Chase wasn’t going to let it go.
When I didn’t respond, he took in a deep breath, and said, “I thought you felt the same way about me.”
“I never said—”
“I know. From the first day, you made it clear that all you wanted was some fun in bed, but I thought you were joking.” That sadness had enveloped him, taking away the light in his eyes, making him look pale. “I guess the joke’s on me.”
He turned on his heel and started stomping away from me.
“Chase, wait!” I jumped forward and grabbed his shoulder. “Don’t be like that!”
His chin dropped and he didn’t look back at me. “I am like that, Adan, and I’m not going to change. Not for you, not for anybody. There’s nothing wrong with how I am, and like you said about yourself, I’m not going to hide it!” He rubbed his shaky hand over his styled hair. “If you decide there’s more than just a good time between us, call me.” He sucked in a deep breath. “Otherwise, lose my number.”
IF I had to name the five biggest regrets of my life, that moment would have taken the top four spots. And the fifth would have been occupied by my failure to fix it.
Oh, I sort of tried. I went home for Christmas and New Year’s, came back to New York in the middle of January, and finally broke down a month later. I called him, but his number had been disconnected. I went to his place, but my key didn’t work, and when I knocked, a stranger answered and told me she’d just moved in. I even called his friend Selina, but all she did was shout out creative ways she hoped I’d be dismembered and castrated; then she told me Chase was gone. She said he’d left New York, taken a job somewhere else, and wanted nothing to do with me.
Instead of insisting she give me his contact information or trying another way to reach him, I told myself it was for the best, that there wasn’t room in my life plan for someone like him, that I’d gotten what I wanted out of him and I’d have no problem finding someone to fill his space. None of that was true and I knew it, but it didn’t stop me from stupidly walking away.
I’ve heard people say they wouldn’t change anything in their past, not even the bad stuff, because it got them to where they are in the present. I’m not one of those people.
It took longer than it should have, but eventually, I grew up enough to realize I’d been an ass to a man I should have cherished. I realized that getting to relish in the joys of a relationship meant having to work through the challenges. I realized that strength of self and strength of character come in different forms and I hadn’t been exhibiting any of them.
All those realizations made me a better man, a better boyfriend, and eventually a better partner, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t have changed the past. I would have given up all of that personal growth and self-realization if it had kept Chase Rhodes by my side. Unfortunately, life doesn’t grant do-overs.
Chapter 14
INTRODUCTION
Charlie (“Chase”) Rhodes
IF THIS was a movie, we’d be at the part where the guy is doing meaningless tasks while the seasons change around him and he grows a beard or cuts his hair or does something else to show time moving forward. But I don’t have facial hair or stimulating visual effects, so I’ll just tell you that the years kept coming and the years kept going.
I left New York, toured with a well-regarded company, and danced for large audiences. I worked on cruise ships and saw parts of the world I never thought I’d encounter outside of books. My twenties passed, my thirties were half over, and I started working on breaking into choreography because dancing into my forties wasn’t going to be easy. I made new friends, fell out of touch with some friends, and kept in touch with others. I met men who made me laugh, men who made me think, men who made me cum. But I never met another man who made my heart leap and had me hoping for forever. Two chances at love in one lifetime, it seemed, were the maximum any one person got.
