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“Before the divorce,” I said instead, keeping it as surface as possible, because tears were lining my throat.
“Nothing about what you want or how you feel is stupid.” He reached across the table and cupped my cheek.
“I want you,” I whispered. “I want to know you. Want more every day.”
He stilled and took a deep breath. “I want more of you every day too.” He ran his thumb along my bottom lip. “I asked you to trust me. I’m asking again.”
I nodded. “I do trust you.”
“Then hear me when I tell you that there are certain things I won’t talk about. My past is not a place I want to revisit. You’re astute and yes, perhaps you saw something last night, perhaps you care, but,” his voice was soft, not commanding or dominating or threating. It almost sounded like he was begging. “Please, don’t ask me about it again.”
My heart broke for this man. For all the weight he carried and everything he kept hidden.
“How can I get to know you more if you won’t tell me anything? It’s not my goal to upset you or bring up unwanted memories…” I knew how that felt, and I could understand that. Far too well. “How can we move forward when there isn’t an exchange? When I’m the only one who seems vulnerable.”
“You’re not the only one, Lana. I have a significant vulnerability, and it’s only getting worse.”
“Then tell me, please.”
He looked me dead in the eye. “It’s you.”
My breath caught, and he leaned back in his chair, the warmth of his hand leaving my face.
“I’ll give you as much as I can,” he said.
The chill that crept over my skin was breaking me more than I realized. Not just breaking me of fear, but breaking me wide open with the need to understand him. It hit me then: I’m falling in love with a man who will never fully open up to me.
~
“Would you like to come in?” I asked Jack as we sat in my driveway.
He glanced in the rearview window, seeing the reflection of the fire station behind us and across the street. Stillness washed over him. Learning Jack was like figuring out how to dance around a sleeping bear. In one breath, his body could go from tense, to calm, to still. Scary still. I’d never met his equal when it came to the kind of intense presences that radiated from him. Everything was always on another level with him. Just when I thought he couldn’t be more dominant, more perfect, he surprised me with yet another layer of his personality and demeanor.
“Jack?” His gaze snapped from the mirror to my face. Whatever thoughts he’d been having were consuming. “Do you miss Cal?”
It was obvious he wanted to laugh that off, but instead, he adjusted to face me slightly.
“Miss?”
“Yes, miss. It’s an okay emotion to feel, you know.”
“I never said it wasn’t.”
“But you balk at the word.”
“Cal and I have a tricky friendship. We spent a lot of time together growing up, protecting each other. I know he’ll be back. But when he’s gone…”
I leaned in a little, excited for another tiny fact about the closed off man beside me.
“When he’s gone,” I prompted, but got nothing, so I tried to fill in the blank myself. “It’s like a disturbance in the force?”
Jack smiled. “Something like that.”
I smiled back, and grabbed his hand. He was opening up! He clearly had a tight bond with Cal, but whatever they went through as kids forged something unbreakable.
“True friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep. I’m glad you have someone you trust.”
Jack looked at me. “I trust him with everything in my world, including my life itself, and he’s come through on that.”
