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"Hey, I thought I recognized you. You're that actress." He looked at me for a beat. "I just saw a picture of you online. Didn't do you justice. You're much prettier in person."
I glared at him. "Am I s'pposed to say thank you? For thass ass-backward compliment?" I sounded slurry and mean. The car was definitely spinning now. Or maybe it was my head—I couldn't be sure.
Fucking margaritas.
"Um, I didn't mean any disrespect, miss," the officer said contritely.
Tori was frozen next to me. "Lo"—her voice held a warning tone—"he didn't say anything wrong. He was actually being nice. Just be cool."
"Don't you tell me whas to do!" I yelled at her.
She looked at me with wide eyes, shaking her head as if to say Oh shit or No, please stop! Or both. Probably both.
"I'm outta here." I unbuckled my seat belt and heard the police officer sigh.
Tori sucked in her breath next to me. I rarely drank too much, but when I did, I sometimes got belligerent. Usually there was tequila to blame. Tori didn't know that, but I did. I should have known better.
Shoulda woulda coulda, I sing-songed inside my dizzy head.
It was too late now.
I opened the car door.
"Miss, I need you to stay restrained and inside the vehicle," the officer said.
"Whys y'all always telling me what to do?" My voice was twisted and thick.
"I'm not. I'm asking you—no, I'm telling you—to just stay buckled in the car. Your friend's registration is expired. I'll give her a warning, and you two can be on your way." He sounded professional and almost apologetic, which just made me feel more confused and angry.
"Don't you try to make this all okay. Like you're a dad or something. And we're a couple of Girl Scouts. Are you mansplaining? Are you a mansplainer, ossifer?" I yelled.
"No, miss, I'm just trying to get you girls home safe." The officer sounded exasperated. He probably wished he'd never pulled us over.
I was gonna make sure of that. Because I was on a tequila rage-spiral. I climbed out of the car and marched toward the officer. "I'm so tired of this bullshit. I got too many mansplainers in my life."
"Lo, no!" Tori yelled.
I ignored her, stomping to the driver's side where the officer was standing. He watched me with a mixture of regret, annoyance, and mild amusement as I stopped and swayed in front of him. I noticed another officer with him, still in the cruiser—a woman in her forties. She got out and came toward me warily, as if I was a dog who might bite, her hand on the handle of the firearm in her belt.
"You okay, Scott?" she asked.
"I think so," Officer Scott said. "I think I upset this young lady. She's an actress, and I made a comment about her appearance. I think she's feeling a little… belligerent."
"I'm not belligerent," I corrected him. "I'm tired of mansplainers!"
He said to me, "I'm sorry, miss. But I recognized you and was trying to say something nice. Sometimes those pictures don't show how pretty you are. You've always got this scowl on your face."
I scowled at him, and he coughed.
"Right. I'm not making this any better, am I? Deborah, please take over for me. You should go home and sleep it off, miss." He took Tori's papers back to the cruiser to check them.
Officer Deborah scowled at me. "You need to get back in the car." Her tone was no-bullshit, firm.
"No," I said stubbornly. I felt the world spinning around me. "This is a protest. I'm tired of the way this town operates. Every. Little. Thing. Y'all gotta give me a hard time." When I was really drunk and really angry, a bit of the Texas twang I'd worked so hard, with numerous speech coaches, to rid myself of came back.
"Your friend's registration isn't up to date," Officer Deborah said, looking at me as if I had three heads. "This has nothing to do with giving you a hard time. In fact, you're the only one who's giving anyone a hard time around here."
"Do you know who I am?" I pointed at my chest so hard that I knocked myself back a little. "The whole world's givin' me a hard time right now. You know why? 'Cause I'm a woman. And every single mansplainer out there wants to tell me not to scowl. What type of dress to wear. What size my ass should be. And I'm tired of it, you hear?" I stepped closer and almost fell over. Regaining my balance, I leaned toward her conspiratorially. "You understand what I'm sayin', donchoo?"
