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Sessah avoids looking at me, and I can tell he's incredibly uncomfortable. His tail slaps against the stone floor and his knees are practically in his face, his braid close to dragging into the fire. His proud, arching horns scrape the ceiling again and he grimaces to himself, ducking his head. He doesn't fit in this cave. At least, not on that side of the cave. The side that I'm on has more head space, but he hasn't asked to switch. He's still trying to make it work where he's at, because he doesn't want to inconvenience me.
That melts some of my panic away. Sessah's not my enemy.
He didn't choose this, either. We're both trapped by our khuis.
"I'm sorry," I say softly.
He looks over at me, puzzled. "For?"
I gesture at our surroundings. "All of this. I know you didn't choose this, either, and I'm acting like you're the bad guy. That's unfair of me."
The long tail thumps once, as if acknowledging my words. "You are afraid," Sessah says in a low voice. "I do not wish for you to be afraid, but I cannot change any of this. Resonance is…resonance."
"I know. But it doesn't mean I have to like it."
"Is it me?" he asks after a long moment. "Do I frighten you?"
"The situation scares me," I admit. "Not you specifically. I just…when I left Earth, I never wanted to have a man claim ownership over me again and yet here we are."
He frowns. "I do not own you. No one can own another person."
"You say that now," I tell him lightly. "But how are you going to think of things when we're a month in and I still won't fuck you?" Even the most sane man would turn into Brad if his khui pushes him with the need to breed me like a mare.
"I will think you have your reasons." Sessah regards me with those wide, kind eyes. "And I will be patient with all of them. Take the time you need. I am not going anywhere."
That's part of the problem, I want to tell him, but I know he's being as reasonable as he can. It's hard to think straight with my pulse arrowing between my legs as if screaming “VACANCY” like a flashing neon motel sign. He's trying, though. He's trying really hard. I want to look at it from his perspective, too. This is exciting for him, because all the sa-khui adore the thought of a mate and family, but poor guy had to be stuck with me. This can't be easy for him because he got his dream and I'm shitting all over it.
It makes me appreciate his calm, understanding manner all the more. "I'm sorry I can't be the mate you want."
He shakes his head. "You keep apologizing and there is nothing to apologize for. We are both surprised at this resonance."
Yeah, but only one of us is dismayed about it. If I had to guess, I'd say Sessah would be thrilled. He's just the nicest guy. Except…I've forgotten about Tia. I bite my lip, thinking about how lovesick he was over her. How he followed her around the camp years ago and was so tormented by her hot and cold nature. They've been at Croatoan together for a few years now. I'm sure his affection for her has only grown. Maybe this has fucked his plans, too.
I twist my hands in my lap. "Will Tia be very upset?"
Sessah's jaw clenches, and he stares into the fire. "I do not want Tia. I have not wanted Tia for a very, very long time." His voice is firm and flat.
I can't help but get the feeling that I've offended him somehow. "I just thought…"
He glances over at me, his eyes dark with emotion. "When I went back to Croatoan, I wanted to see her again. But she was too busy spending her time with I'rec and O'jek and R'jaal. When they left and I stayed behind, then she paid attention to me and I realized I did not want to be an afterthought. I do not wish to be someone's second choice. I would rather have no female than a female that picks others ahead of me." His expression turns flustered, the bases of his horns darkening with a blush. "Not that this is a problem now."
Right. Because he can't have another female now that he has me. I wince. "I see." I open my mouth to apologize again and then snap it shut. He doesn't want apologies. He wants a mate. And I just want to be left alone. We're not going to see eye to eye on this right away—or ever—so might as well carry on. I scratch at the spot under my arm where one of my hidden knives is jabbing into my skin. I glance over at Sessah again, and his broad shoulders are slumped, his tail limp, and he stares into the fire, the very picture of dejection. "I'm going to get ready for bed now."
