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As for the single men…yeah right. I'rec is an absolute surly beast but he's never given me trouble. R'jaal thinks all women are precious creatures and he'd probably braid my hair for me before he'd lift a hand against me. O'jek is hopelessly in love with Daisy and everyone knows it except for Daisy. And Sessah is at Croatoan and has been for years.
Besides, he's just a kid.
"No, no one's touched me." I shake my head. "I'm surprised you'd even ask that."
"You just seem…" She studies me, cocking her head. "Afraid. I don't know. That's why I want to help."
She's more astute than she lets on. I gaze at the distant, snow-covered hills, wishing I was there. Wishing I was anywhere but here, trapped under Steph's too-knowing gaze. Am I afraid? Absofuckinglutely.
I'm afraid Brad's going to come back, and that's a stupid, ridiculous fear. I can't shake it, but it's still there, lurking in my mind. If aliens managed to lift me from my home, they could have gotten Brad, too. He might be out there in space, lurking, waiting for his chance to ruin my life again…or to take it.
I have no doubt in my mind that if we were ever in the same place again, he'd try to kill me.
The logical part of my mind says that Brad is back on Earth. That there's millions of light years separating us. That no one knows the sa-khui or the Icehome villages are here. For several glorious months, I felt like I could breathe again.
But then…Daisy arrived.
I was fine with it at first. Daisy is friendly and excited about everything, and she loves babies. Another girl on the beach isn't a problem with me. But about a week after she arrived, I started having nightmares. Nightmares in which Mardok would open up the stasis pod, but instead of Daisy coming out, it was an angry, angry Brad. I realized that if Daisy could arrive to live on the beach, so could Brad. It stood to reason that we'd been taken at the same time if he was near my house. If there was a way for him to somehow get on this planet, he would.
Which means that even here, in the far reaches of the universe, I'm not safe.
Never will be.
After that, the nightmares returned regularly. I had a hard time sleeping, so I'd stay up and sharpen weapons, or look for ways to creatively hide my weapons in my clothing. I never want to be caught off-guard, not when I can't count on anyone to protect me but me. I've been pulling back quietly, too, just because I don't want to tell anyone else what I'm afraid of. They'll laugh at me or say I'm overreacting, just like the police did when I tried to get them to handle Brad. You can only reach your hand out so many times before you stop trying.
Maybe Steph is right. Maybe I do spend all my time alone. But it's just easier that way. I've never gone hunting with the men, because I just…can't trust anyone, truly. All the sa-khui and islander men are fine, but what if I'm wrong? It eats at my nerves and then I'm jumpy all day and it's not worth it. When we rebuilt the huts after the big shell-beast incident, I built my own right smack dab in the center of camp. I think Flor was a little hurt when she returned to find out I wasn't interested in a roommate, but it's so I don't wake her up with my constant weapon-making or my nightmares.
Farli was my old hunting partner, but since she's returned to Croatoan and had her baby, I've been alone. I've done fishing or checked traps near the camp, but I haven't gone on any extended hunting trips. As most of the tribe has been paired off with resonances, it's been easier and easier to spend more time alone.
Just in case.
"I'm fine," I tell Steph brightly. "And I really want to head out to the fruit cave. Do you want me to bring you back anything? You liked those red fruit things, right?"
"Sam, please. Don't go hunting alone." Steph sounds more worried than ever. "I feel like it's a bad idea."
"Farli hunts alone," I point out, adjusting my gear and gazing off at the cliffs. The moment I shake Steph, I'm out of here. I just want to be alone. To breathe. To not have to worry about anyone other than myself. When I'm alone, it's not so bad. I'm learning to like it. Best of all, the worry seems to recede when I'm alone, because I'm in control of my situation. I suspect in a few more years, it might be best for me to move quietly into the mountains. Just find a nice hunter cave and never leave it. It'll help my stress and my nightmares…
