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I’ve never felt so much pain looking at something in my entire thirty-one years of life.
“I knew that’s how it would be. I knew it. I’ve known it since the beginning, and like an idiot, somehow last night, I let you make me forget.” She pauses to take a breath, and it’s just ragged enough that I lose mine. “I saw the book in your bag, Cap. It’s amazing how everything suddenly makes sense. The makeovers and the apologies and the conversations we had. I should’ve fucking known that Caplin Hawkins doesn’t do anything without some kind of ulterior motive involving sex.”
Jesus Christ. I’ve never felt more like a dirtbag than I do right now.
And, for the first time ever, I can’t say anything. Words are physically, emotionally, psychologically impossible. I never thought I’d see a day or situation where I felt that way. I’m the man who’s always got a comment. Always got an answer. But today, I’m the man who’s made positively sure he’s got nothing.
“So, I guess I’m the fool,” she continues, and the way her voice shakes makes my heart turn in on itself. “But I’m not going to be a fool anymore, Cap. I’m done. You’re not ready to be a grown-up, and hey…” She shrugs, and her emotion is so hideously opposite of the gesture, it’s ridiculous. “I guess that’s fine. You don’t have to be a grown-up if you don’t want to be…but I need one.”
She turns around and grabs the handle behind her, and it’s all I can do to stay standing. My heart feels like it’ll explode any second, and my teeth ache from grinding them.
When she turns back one last time, I clench my fists against the blow I know has to be coming. “You want freedom, you’ve got it. I can promise you, you’ll never hear from me again.”
As the door closes behind her, I feel nauseated. My skin is clammy, my head is throbbing, and any second now, I expect my breakfast is going to make a second showing.
Her parents scoot by me quickly, her dad’s shoulder ramming me in the back, which is certainly deserved, and before I know it, I’m standing there alone.
A single guy with no one to answer to. Just like I wanted.
The problem is…in the wake of Ruby walking out of my life for good, my breathing ragged and my heartache fresh, I can’t think of a solitary goddamn reason why.
Ruby
I make it all the way into my apartment and into the bathroom before I can’t hold back tears anymore.
My dad is right, the shower curtain is a useless attempt at privacy, a fact that becomes starkly apparent as my apartment door opens and my parents step inside.
They’re quiet, which isn’t a shock given my mental breakdown on the sidewalk, but after a minute or so, my mom’s feet stop just on the other side of the curtain.
“Ruby,” she calls softly, and I have to cover my face to combat the tears that are renewed at the sound of it. “You don’t have to come out, sweetheart. I…I know the last thing you want is your mom and dad hovering over you with what you’re going through.”
My tears fall harder, and I have to force myself to take a breath as my throat locks up.
“I just want you to know we love you. I’ve spent a lot of years worrying about you.” My dad snorts across the room, and my mom giggles a little. “Yeah. I guess you know that.” She pauses briefly, and I grab a piece of toilet paper to wipe my face. “I just want you to know that after what I just saw down there…”
Here it comes.
“I’m not worried at all.”
What?
“You’re a strong woman with a strong sense of self, and I know, without a doubt, you know how to take care of yourself.”
Gah. Mom. I sniffle into my tissue and shake my head. I love you.
“Now, listen. Your dad and I are gonna go. Give you your privacy and your time. But if you need me, you just pick up the phone—”
I’m off my feet and through the curtain before she can finish her sentence.
She closes her arms around me tightly as I shove my face in her neck and lean everything I’m feeling into her.
She strokes my hair and kisses my head, and I know, because of her and my dad, I’ll get over this—over him—and move on to bigger and better things.
“I love you, Mom.”
“Oh, Ruby,” she hums. “I love you too.”
It’s been a week since my life imploded, and despite the short respite I took to see my parents off at the airport, I’ve mostly just been a mess of tears and anger and inability to do anything but wallow.
But, fuck, I’m tired of crying over a guy who most certainly doesn’t deserve my tears.
