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"Maybe," I mumbled.
"You would. But those scars are my doing."
I rubbed my fingers over them. "So, what happened? A sports accident?"
His chest rose and fell beneath my cheek. "Nothing quite so innocent, I'm afraid. I did it to myself on purpose. For a very short time, I was a cutter."
My fingers froze. Jax had so much tragedy in his young life, I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. Every time I thought I knew the depth of his anguish, he revealed something else. "Tell me?"
"When things were...happening, I grew angry. I wanted to blurt out everything to my mom, but I'd see her smile at Gene. She wasn't so stressed anymore. I felt trapped. Sometimes I felt like I might explode. I wanted to run away, but I knew that would also break my mom's heart. I just wanted to lash out and hurt someone, anyone."
"So, you chose yourself instead."
He nodded. "I found razor blades one day. I don't know what I was even looking for, but I sliced my finger. It hurt. I kept looking at the blood coming from the cut, feeling the throb. A couple of days later I was looking at the cut. It was almost healed, and it didn't hurt anymore. But I remembered that feeling. Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom with the razors. That first cut hurt and I cried, but it was like a release valve.
"It went on for about a month. I used to carry the blade everywhere, like a security blanket. Knowing I had it helped for a while. I didn't cut every day, but with each time I did, it grew easier, and then more frequent. Then one day the need to use it overcame me at school. I asked for a bathroom pass and did what I did. Only this time, Noah caught me. Not the actual cutting, but when I was cleaning up at the sink. He saw the other cuts. I thought I'd played it off, but Noah is smart. He told my mom, who confronted me. I refused to tell her anything, and I was so pissed at Noah. I wouldn't talk to him.
“Somehow, my mom pieced together what was going on. At first, she thought Gene was hurting me, but I finally confessed what was happening. I was afraid she wouldn't believe me, but she did. She confronted them, and she made Gene and Mallory leave that night. There were a lot of tears. She got me into counseling right away. I think she spent a month never letting me out of her sight, making all my favorite meals, and apologizing to me for not figuring it out sooner. She filed for immediate divorce. I know now that she only agreed not to report Mallory if Gene got her into intensive counseling, which, of course, he did. I honestly don't believe he knew what she was doing, but I blamed him just the same. For months, I heard my mom cry herself to sleep. I heard her beg my father to forgive her for letting it happen. I knew then I needed to be stronger for her. She gave up everything, her new husband, the daughter she wanted, Gene's income, everything to protect me.
"I still had moments where I wanted to cut. Therapy helped some, but mostly I threw myself into working. Sports weren't my thing because I was too much of a loner at that time, but working with my hands, keeping them occupied with something other than the blade, gave me a new focus. I learned to rebuild my dad's car that my mom held on to after he died. I started working part-time for a construction group when I was sixteen, small things, but I was quick, and I learned a lot from the guys. I worked for them full time when I graduated from high school for a couple of years. I threw myself into learning everything I could about building. I think you know the rest."
"You invented some gadget, sold it, invested the money and put yourself through college."
"That about sums it up."
"And that's when you decided to get the tattoo."
"I needed to cover up the proof of my weakness."
"Oh, Jax. There's not a weak thing about you. I thought you were amazing before, but now I...I'm just beyond words."
"Well, there's a first for everything." He winked and grinned at me.
I smacked his chest and pouted.
He laughed and rolled on top of me.
"How do you laugh after telling that story?"
"Life goes on. And now mine goes on with you. I'm happy." He shrugged as if it was the simplest explanation there was. And maybe it was. The past forty-eight hours had been some of the worst and longest of my life. The solution was simple—Jax.
"You're right," I said. "I love you. Everything else is just details."
"You know the best part?" He asked, rubbing my nose with his.
"What's that?"
"We're just getting started."
Epilogue
Grace
"Aw, that's so sweet!"
"It's…it’s so permanent! "
"Sounds like a commitment to me."
