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"Don't you want more from life than that?"
He snorted. "I have everything I need."
I almost laughed at his petulance but managed to refrain. I was pretty certain he'd put up his wall of assiness again. I couldn't imagine what held him back from wanting a normal relationship with women, sex notwithstanding. "That sounds lonely if you ask me."
"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I don't know how to do anything else. To be any other way."
"You could learn." I hated I was almost begging.
"And you could change, too, but you won't. And I would never ask you to."
I felt rebuked. Where was the compromise? Where was the effort? If he wasn't willing to at least try, then he was right. I took a step away from him, from his touch that made me consider forgetting everything I stood for. "I think I'd try a lot of things for you, Jax. But knowing from the start I'd only be short-term doesn't bode well with me."
"I'm sorry."
How many times was he going to repeat it? And what was he sorry for? Leading me on? Making me want him? Rejecting me? Playing some stupid game of chase only to realize he might not win in the end?
Congratulations, Jax. We both lost. "Thank you for being honest, Jax. It's better than disappearing like you did at the reception. I appreciate that. But for now, I think it might be best if we both walk away before this gets any more awkward."
He nodded, then turned and walked away from me. I clenched my fingers and bit my tongue to prevent myself from calling him back. But in the seconds before I followed him into the house, I wondered how many other people before me had also just let him walk away? Somehow, I had a sinking feeling that I might be the latest one on a long list.
17
Jax
"Good to see you, man. It's been a while." Noah gave me a hearty back-slapping hug as he greeted me from the top step of the large porch that welcomed guests into his farmhouse.
Noah lived on his family's horse farm about twenty miles north of town, up in the mountains. It was peaceful—no people rushing everywhere, no noisy traffic. There were just the songs of birds, insect buzzes, and the occasional neighing of horses out in the paddock. I used to love coming here as a boy when my family lived on the other side of the mountain. Now I only rarely ventured out of the city unless it was work related. But Noah, good man and best friend that he was, never let me distance myself from him.
I need to come here more often.
Already, a peacefulness pervaded my soul that I hadn't felt in a long time. And it had only gotten worse recently. Seven days to be specific, and no coincidence that it was the same amount of time since I'd seen Grace. I thought I'd done the right thing by her, but I only felt worse for it. Desperate for an escape, I'd contacted Noah to see if he was still up for getting together.
"Yeah, too long. It's good to get out of town."
Noah laughed. "Funny, I'd love to be able to get away and go to town." He gestured to have a seat in one of the big rockers on the porch.
I joined his laughter as I accepted a beer he handed me from an ice bucket. Clearly, he knew me well. After popping the top and taking a couple of refreshing sips, I grew serious. "How is he?"
"He still has a few good days, but the bad ones are increasing."
Noah's grandfather, Jack, had Alzheimer's, and it had reached a point where Noah wasn't comfortable leaving him on his own. He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees as he rolled his beer bottle between his palms. "The other day, he left a burner turned on with an empty pot on it. Thank God, he didn't burn the house down. That's a long way from forgetting where he put his keys." He took a sip of his drink and stared at some point in the distant pasture. "It's hard watching such a strong man reduced to this. Too bad it doesn't erase the memory of my mom or grandma, though. Maybe that would make the deterioration worth it. Instead, it's like it's transported him backward, and he keeps asking where they are, getting upset when he can't find them."
Noah had been raised by his grandparents after his mother, their daughter, ran off with another man and left two-year-old Noah with his father. Not long afterwards, Noah's dad, Corbin, dropped him off at the farm with no warning and also disappeared. He still showed up from time to time, always threatening Noah's grandparents he'd take Noah away. And always, Corbin was more than satisfied to leave by himself once his in-laws gave him money. I couldn't speak for Corbin, but it was hard to reconcile that such good and loving people as Jack and Alice had raised a daughter that abandoned her son. I knew it broke their hearts, and they'd done their best to make her abandonment up to their grandson.
While Noah was away for college, his grandmother, Alice, died. When he started grad school, Noah wasn't able to come back as often to check on Jack. But on one visit, he found Corbin living on the farm and his grandfather showing signs of dementia. Corbin had been taking advantage and skimming money from his Jack's bank accounts and borrowing heavily against the property while letting the business side fall apart, so almost no money was coming in. When Noah saw the condition of the farm and the accounts, he kicked his father out, quit school and moved back permanently to take care of his ailing grandfather and to try to save the farm and its reputation that had once been his family's pride and joy.
"I'm sorry, Noah. I can't guess how hard it must be. Have you found someone who can come in and help?"
Noah shook his head. "We're still managing. But soon, I'm not sure I'm going to have a choice." He sighed. "I'm just not sure how."
I wished he would allow me to help. Ironic, given there was a brief time years ago when I'd thought Noah was the enemy. I'd hated him for something he'd done, and I'd blamed him as the reason my family fell apart. In reality, he'd saved me, and I quite possibly owed him my life. But Noah's pride ran deep, about as deep as his stubbornness and loyalty, which was beyond measure.
I glanced at him, knowing his response before I said the words, but I had to try one more time. "You know I would—"
I stopped when his hand went up. "I appreciate it. But borrowing money from friends is about as smart as bringing a whore home to mama. Both are sure to backfire. I'll figure something out." He crossed his legs and took a long sip of his beer. "How about you? What the hell was up a few weeks ago? You and a bunch of teens? Did you finally crack and do something to earn community service?"
I chuckled and rubbed my chin with my middle finger, earning a grin. "Maybe, in a roundabout way."
