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Not that Madelyn Stone was as bad as I'd been expecting. She was quick-witted, yet sensitive. She wasn't glamorous, but then, who would be after spending years behind bars? And her mouth! I liked that she wasn't afraid to call me out, rather than sucking up. Although, speaking of sucking, I wondered what she might look like with her full lips open wide and full of my...
Where the hell had all of these sudden thoughts come from? I squeezed my knee hard with my hand, mentally choking my neck. I was sickened that I could be so easily distracted from the woman that was previously being discussed. Claire was who I loved. I didn't even like women like Maddy, women who had a criminal background, someone who could be violent, unpredictable…exciting…spontaneous…with skin that beckoned to find out if it was as soft and creamy as it looked...
God bless America! I squeezed both knees this time.
"...I worry about you, Son. I don't want you to be alone the rest of your life."
And we're back. I glared at my mother.
"So I should hook up with some woman to make my family happy?" My mom shook her head, but I didn't give her a chance to talk. I needed to nip this conversation. "Mom, I loved Claire. I still do. I'm grateful I had her for the time we were given, but it was stolen from me too soon. I appreciate this onslaught of sudden concern about me, but I'm fine. Really."
The velocity of emotions that came at me from all directions threatened to destroy all my carefully constructed walls which were designed to help me survive each day. They felt like they were closing in on me. I stood up to leave the room and go...somewhere. Anywhere. I just wanted to be alone, away from people who thought they knew what I needed better than I did.
Alone.
Is that what I wanted? No. But that's what fate had determined for me.
"Holt, wait. Please."
Only the concern in her voice made me pause. Slowly, I turned and faced her, shoving my hands in my pockets to hide how I was clenching them. She walked to me and pressed her palms against my cheeks. "Is it your devotion to Claire holding you back? Or your fears?"
"I made promises, Mom. I promised her forever."
"You kept your promise. But your heart didn't cease its ability to give or receive love. Her forever is over. Yours isn't." She pulled my head down and kissed my cheek. "I love you, Holten. Just think about it."
She walked out of the room leaving me stuck with her parting words that hung in the air. I hesitated then scooped up my jacket and car keys. My family was
just going to have to deal that I needed some time alone.
Always fucking alone.
6
Maddy
Bit by bit over the next few weeks I began to relax. I was so used to having my guard up and being distrustful it was difficult to meet friendliness with friendliness, but I was getting better at it. I'd met a couple of my neighbors in passing and found them pleasant enough, although most kept to themselves which made it easier.
I'd particularly gotten to know my neighbor across the hall. Serafina was a single mom with a five-year-old son, Miguel. I'd been on a baking spree and decided to bite the bullet one evening and took some chocolate chip cookies over. They were an instant hit with Miguel. Serafina, although polite, was harder to win over, and I suspected she had her own tough life story that made her cautious. Perhaps she recognized a kindred spirit, however, because she was warming up and had even invited me over for a traditional Spanish meal of arroz con pollo.
It turned out I had worried needlessly about meeting my new boss. I'd been scared she would view me with suspicion or disdain. But to my delight, Mrs. Holmes was friendly and patient as she explained my role as a General Service Clerk. I began my days filling any requests for supplies from individual offices. Then the rest of the day was spent making copies and binding countless materials until the mail came. It was my responsibility to sort and deliver it. Any spare time I had was spent maintaining the legal library. I had always been good at organizing things and had some similar experience working at the prison library. I caught on quickly, and Mrs. Holmes praised my efforts.
I didn't find it difficult work, and it was varied enough I didn't get bored, although it wasn't something I wanted to do the rest of my life. I recognized I was extraordinarily fortunate to have such a supportive opportunity. Too many of my peers were thrust suddenly back into society without any support system in place. I could see where having so much freedom could be trouble for many former inmates who might be tempted by the dangers that lurked around every corner like alcohol, drugs, sex, quick tempers, and judgmental people once they learned about the dark shadows of your past. So much freedom all at once could be a dangerous thing for many.
I still sometimes fought the need to look over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't the bulls-eye for a knife or fist, or some other twisted, perverted action. I avoided large crowds at all costs after nearly hyperventilating once when I found myself caught up in the five o'clock rush of employees anxious to get home. After being bumped into and knocked about, I'd somehow managed to escape into a bathroom where I hid in a stall for close to an hour, calming my wildly beating heart and steadying my breathing before I garnered enough confidence to try again. Now, instead of leaving with everyone else, I clocked out at the appointed hour but hung out between the quiet rows of books in the legal library or the break room. It wasn't like there was anyone expecting me at home or anywhere else.
I still wasn't completely comfortable with just my own company in the evenings. In an odd sense, I suppose I missed the structure of having my days and evenings planned out for me. I was learning to appreciate the quiet at my apartment, but there were still times I felt at a loss for what to do. Given my love for books, I often spent evenings at the nearby public library.
On one of my visits there, a brightly decorated bulletin board caught my eye. Large letters announcing 'Job Opportunities' stood out at the top. Curious, I scanned the many fliers that covered the board. Most were for telemarketing positions, home sales, or courier opportunities, none of which caught my interest. I turned to leave, but bold letters on a blue sheet of paper halted my tracks. 'Online Tutors Needed.' Maybe I couldn't teach in a classroom environment, but maybe I'd be allowed to help if it was online. The paper outlined that they needed individuals who could be available to answer assist students during evening hours over the computer. I borrowed a piece of paper and pencil and copied down the information.
The next day, I used my lunch break to call and inquire about the position. A friendly woman named Mary answered and began to explain about what she was seeking. "We're looking for qualified individuals who can help students who have questions about their homework. We find most of the questions come from middle and high school students, particularly in the subjects of English, math, and chemistry, but sometimes we get elementary aged students, also. Sometimes the subjects are beyond a parent's ability, and sometimes the student simply doesn't have anyone at home who can, or even will, help. Sometimes I think we have a few who are just lonely, and this is a way to reach out and have someone to talk to."
I felt my heart break at her assessment. She was probably right. I had gone to a school where either the parents had to work multiple jobs and weren't home, or they had barely gotten through school themselves and struggled to help their child. And then there were some who just don't give a damn about their kid. I knew that group a little too well. I shook my head and focused on what Mary was saying.
She went on to explain how there were various ways to communicate with the students, including a new program called 'Virtual Teacher' that allowed for real-time on screen interaction, particularly useful in subjects like math and science. "It's quite amazing, and we're lucky to have it. We would provide you with a tablet and stylus that is needed to make this work. It simply attaches to any computer."
My heart sunk. I hadn't thought about needing a computer. Maybe I'd still be able to use the ones at the library? Or maybe I'd have to skimp and stretch my budget to accommodate a computer. Were there used ones I could buy? Somehow I'd make this work if I could just get the job.
"That sounds fascinating. I can't say I'd be much help with science," I laughed. "But I was always very good in my English classes, and I excelled at math." I felt excitement build at the prospect of being able to do something close to what I always had wanted to do.
