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James nudged me with his elbow. "You know, it's okay if you want to get to know a woman beyond just her pussy. You're not cheating on anyone."
Fucking hell. Was the entire cosmos in on the 'push Holt into a relationship movement?'
I raised an eyebrow. "You been talking to Cal?"
His look was genuinely puzzled. "No. Why?"
I scowled. "He's on some 'you need to move on' kick, too."
He kept his eyes glued to the screen overhead. "Sounds like big brother might be onto something," he commented with a casual shrug.
I took another long drink of beer. "It's not that easy, J."
He turned in his seat and stared hard at me. "The fuck it isn't, Holt. You talk, you go out somewhere casual, you get to know her, and I don't necessarily mean in the biblical sense." He grinned. "At least, not until after dinner."
I couldn't hold back my snort, but shook my head. "And then what? Do we keep dating? And then maybe she starts to have more feelings and ends up getting hurt because ultimately I can't give her what she wants? Then I'm an even bigger ass than just laying it on the line right from the beginning."
"You still have a heart, asshole. You're just acting more like a pussy because you're afraid to acknowledge that little fact." He turned to face me. "Do you think Claire would want to see you this way? Because if she approved of you being this miserable, then she was a bitch."
Everything around me faded as I stood up and leaned in close to him. "What the hell did you call Claire?" The words were almost hard to distinguish through my clenched teeth, but James understood. He didn't back down but went for the kill. He'd always been one hell of a warrior.
He gave me a knowing look. "So, you're saying she wasn't a bitch? Are you saying she loved you enough she'd want you to be happy, even if it meant without her? Cause if she didn't, then she never deserved you in the first place."
I opened my mouth and fought for a reply, but nothing came to me. He had me against a wall, and he fucking knew it. I slid back onto my stool, sliding my beer mug the few inches back and forth between my hands. "Of course, she loved me," I mumbled.
"Then stop using her as an excuse not to live. Be happy, man, and I don't mean this fucking crap you spew that you've moved on. Changing careers was just another way for you to hide. Hell, man, we almost had to put you in the ground once before. I'm not going to keep letting you bury yourself under piles of paper and meaningless sex as a fucking substitute for the dirt." He slapped my back and squeezed my shoulder to soften his harsh words.
He threw up his hand before I could make an excuse. "Think about it." His phone chimed. He smiled as he read the message and typed something back. "That would be my lovely Kelly." He stood as he finished his beer. "Sorry, dude, but her face is prettier than your ugly mug, and frankly, she keeps me saner than you do."
He reached for his wallet, but I waved him off. "It's on me."
He grinned. "As it should be. I don't just give away my invaluable advice, you know?"
I rolled my eyes. We did the manly back-slapping hug and then he left.
I sat back down to finish my beer. I didn't blame James for ditching me for Kelly; she was good for him. She softened his hard edges while calling him on his bullshit, and he'd lay down his life for hers, I was sure.
James and I had met in the Corps during boot camp and then were stationed together with the Second Division at Camp Lejeune. We'd become fast friends as well as brothers-in-arms, and we'd had each other’s backs ever since. So even though I wanted to rearrange his face for questioning me about Claire's love, I knew he was coming from a good place, much like Cal had been.
I'm not sure anyone would understand why I found moving on so difficult. Oh, I knew others who'd lost someone they’d loved were able to find love a second time around. Some were as happy as the first time, and some were maybe even happier. But I'd made promises, and I hadn't found a reason yet to break them.
"Promise me forever, Holt. No matter what happens, promise you'll always love me, and you won't be tempted by other women while we're apart."
I stared down into the cobalt eyes of the naked woman who was pinned to the bed beneath my body. A single tear trickled out of one eye and ran down her temple. I reached out and caught the drop with my finger before it hit her hairline and placed a tender kiss to her lips.
"I will, baby. I promise I'll com
e home to you. Only you, Claire. I love you so much."
"I love you, Holten Andrews. And I can't wait to be your wife. We'll be so happy! Now let me give you some extra incentive to come home safe to me..."
That had been one of the last moments we had to ourselves before I left for Parris Island for boot camp.
Now James's words had me questioning that promise I'd made.
Damn James and his talk about finding someone.
Damn my interfering family telling me it was time to move on.
