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“You know that’s not what I meant.” I smacked his chest lightly with one hand, both as a scolding gesture and to keep some space between us. I joined my first hand with the second one to help maintain the distance, but instead, I was even more aware of the strength and power as his muscles flexed beneath my fingers. I was having a hard time focusing with his hips thrusting lightly against me.
This was hard enough to say without further distractions. “What about last night? I felt like I did something wrong, even though I…you made me feel…I mean. Ugh, this is so embarrassing.” Heat burned in my cheeks as I finally just blurted, “I didn’t think you enjoyed it. You seemed so upset, and I don’t want you to be sorry again. I don’t think I can take it.”
“Is that what you think?” he asked, astonishment coloring his tone as he stood upright. “That I’m sorry about what happened last night?”
“It’s what you said,” I mumbled, keeping my eyes firmly on his shirt button in front of my nose. I sure knew how to kill a moment. “I know I’m not experienced. I know I’m not like her. But that was…I mean I’ve never…but it…and you…” Clearly I had lost all ability to talk. I curled my fingers and tried to push him away so I had the space to duck under his arm, but he grabbed my hands and held them firmly to him.
“First of all, I’m not sorry I kissed you. But honestly? It freaked me out a little.”
I flinched. His words stung, and my eyes burned as tears of mortification filled them. He caught my chin and pressured me to look up at him. Instead of the mocking expression I expected, his lips turned downward in a sad smile, but his eyes were tender. “Not because you did anything wrong. In fact, you did everything right. But you’re the first woman I’ve kissed in five years, Maddy.” His whispered confession sounded full of awe and reverence.
“But…”
“I’ve had sex with other women since Claire,” he stated bluntly, “but I never allowed any kind of personal connection between us. That’s all it was, Maddy, just fucking. I never felt anything for them.”
“Because of Claire.” No point in asking; I knew the answer. He still loved her, and how could I compete with a ghost, especially one of the perfect woman?
He nodded.
“I understand.” Sadness and an ugly spark of jealousy for a dead woman struck me.
Grabbing my hips, he held me to him. “No, Maddy,” he said softly, “I don’t think you do. You see, I thought she was the only woman there would ever be for me. I promised her I’d love her forever, and even though our time ended too soon, I felt like I was still bound by that promise. No one ever made me question it. Until you, Maddy. You’re the first woman who’s ever made me believe my heart can be full again.”
“Me?”
“You.” He pulled my hand to the top of his pants and placed my fingers over the stiffness that was straining hard against the zipper. “Yes, this is what you do to me. But it’s so much more than just that.” He moved our joined hands to his chest and flattened my fingers under his, trapping them against his heart. “Do you feel that, Maddy? I feel like it’s started beating again. You did that.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “I know I’m a broken man, but you make me feel whole. You make me feel, period. No one’s done that, not since…”
He didn’t need to say her name.
“Don’t,” he commanded.
“Don’t what?”
“I felt you stiffen up just now.” He lifted my head and cupped my cheek. “Don’t let my past come between us. A part of me will always love Claire. I won’t apologize for it. But you’ve helped put the past where it needs to be. You’ve helped me realize I can honor the love I had for her by living a full life, and that includes finding love again. You did that, Maddy. Only you.”
“What are you saying?” I gasped, astonished.
“I’m saying I’m falling for you, Madelyn,” Holt said, his voice thick. “I’m saying I don’t care how far I drop, as long as I land with you.”
“Holt, I—”
“I think you feel the same, Maddy. Am I wrong?”
He wasn’t, but I wasn’t sure I could admit to it. It was tempting to lie and say I didn’t want more, but he’d see right through me. He understood me in a way no one ever had before. But I was also terrified to yield to these feelings. Everyone I ever wanted to feel something for me in return either left me or didn’t love me back. How long would it be before Holt realized I wasn’t good for him? And what would be left of me when it was over?
28
Holt
I’d gone through basic training with the toughest gunny sergeant the Marine Corps had to offer, barking orders and hurling obscenities at me. I’d been in combat and knew what it was like to feel the eyes of my enemy watch my movements and lie in wait until he could take a shot. None of it prepared me for the single, longest agonizing minute while I waited for her answer.
Maybe this was all on me. I knew she was attracted to me because of the way she responded to my kiss. But by her own admission she’d never had a boyfriend, never had a relationship. Was she just horny after years of incarceration? Maybe any guy would get the same reaction?
Superman’s x-ray vision had nothing on Maddy and the way she scrutinized me as if scanning for some deception or character flaw. I understood why it was so hard for her to trust, but I also knew she was still holding something back. I wanted her to trust me fully and completely. In the beginning, I thought it was just an ego trip on my part, but as I got to know her, I knew it was because the only way I could own her heart was for her to trust me enough to give it to me. And while I’d worried I didn’t have one to give to her in return, she’d proven I did.
So caught up in my fear of rejection, I almost missed her whispered reply.
“No.”
