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"Hey, boy! Did you miss me?" I knelt down and scratched his ears until one of his back legs thumped by his side. I sure missed him. He'd been a gift from my sister, Carol, after I’d been injured in Afghanistan. At the time, I hadn’t felt like there was much to come home to, so I wasn’t doing much to pick myself up and live. I was healing physically, but not emotionally.
Carol had the idea that he might be something like a therapy dog. Although not trained as one, she thought I needed something to be responsible for. At first, I was furious with her. Initially, I cared for Buddy out of obligation since I couldn't allow him to starve and no one else would lift a finger to do it. Even his name was a random pick with little thought.
But it wasn't long before waking up to a cold, wet nose in my neck and a warm tongue lavishing puppy kisses on my face became something I looked forward to. His constant playful mood drove me to take him outside, first in my parent's yard, then eventually for longer and longer walks and hikes as I felt more like getting dressed and leaving home. During those solitude moments, my thoughts became less about the all my lost hopes and dreams and more about what I was going to do next. And at night, when memories became overwhelming, Buddy would curl up by my side and rest his head on my knees, keeping my silent tears his secret.
Cal stood next to me and held his hand toward Buddy. My dog took one sniff and gave a polite lick, then shoved his head under my hand, demanding more attention. Cal laughed at the snub. "Damn, I don't think I've ever seen a dog so devoted before."
"We've been through a lot together." As if he agreed, Buddy lifted his paw to my hand resting on my knee, like a doggy high five.
"What are you doing standing out there? Bring that baby inside. It's too chilly outside for her!" My mom's voice with her soft accent called from the doorway. Sure, she used the weather as an excuse, but we knew the truth; she couldn't wait to get her hands on her newest grandbaby.
Cal winked at me. "Notice the complete lack of concern for our comfort? We've ceased to exist since her newest granddaughter was born."
"But you wouldn't trade it, would you?" I slapped him on the back as he grinned and shook his head.
Buddy bounded ahead of us. I followed Cal and Sara into the house, watching as Cal's hand automatically grabbed his wife's. The ever-present ache in my heart flared, and I had to swallow the acidic taste of envy as I watched my mom fuss over Cara as she pulled the baby from her car seat and bounced and cooed at her.
My father emerged from the den and greeted us with backslapping hugs for his sons and a kiss for Sara. Then he hovered behind his wife and unabashedly admired and babbled some nonsense about being a princess to his youngest granddaughter. My sister, Carol, the eldest, waved to us from the dining room where she sat next to her fourteen-year-old son, Ethan. Judging by the fat book, calculator and frustrated looks on their faces, I guessed she was attempting to help him with his math homework again.
"Where are the rest of the kids?" I asked as I leaned down and kissed her cheek and ruffled Ethan's hair. She and her husband, Rick, also had nine-year-old twins, Jamie and Brittany, as well as four-year-old Andrew, named in honor of our family name.
"They're visiting the other grandparents this weekend. Ethan had a soccer game yesterday, so he stayed behind with me."
"Have you heard from Rick?" Carol's husband was a naval officer, currently deployed near the Persian Gulf on an amphibious ship. She lived in the Hampton Roads area, a little over an hour away, so she was still able to enjoy the warmth and support of her family.
"He's fine. He sends his love to everyone," she responded before being distracted by Ethan, who threw his pencil on the table.
"Why do I have to learn this stuff anyway? I'll never use it!" he grumbled. I grimaced and quickly backed away, lest they try to recruit me into helping. I'd sooner defend a known serial killer than try to figure out the always mysterious 'x.'
I settled on the couch in the l
iving room and pretended to watch the Steelers play against the Browns while I rubbed Buddy's head as he rested it on my knee. Someday I'd have a place where he could live with me, but for now, he remained at my parents' home, as he had since I left for law school. I loved my dog, but I still longed for a different companion. I could get through most days with only a slight nostalgia that I could push aside. But surrounded by all the happy chaos of familial chatter and laughter, especially this time of year, the pain of loss became almost overwhelming.
Claire should be here with me. My mom and dad should be fawning over our children, asking her questions about her work. Instead, fate had grasped my happiness in its palm, crushed it then sprinkled the shattered remnants into the dark abyss of unfulfilled dreams, a darkness from which I never fully emerged.
Cal flopped down next to me. As if he could read my mind, he bent his head and whispered in my ear, "You can still have that, you know." He pointed toward the stairs where my mom and sister-in-law were chatting animatedly as they walked up toward the bedrooms, probably to change the baby. My dad had retreated to his den where he was probably finishing up the household accounting he liked to look over on weekends.
I shook my head.
"Holt," he began, but I held up my hand. I knew he meant well, but the sympathy I saw in his eyes only enhanced the sorrow in my heart.
"It's okay, man. I'm happy for you. I'm just glad I got to be an uncle again." I forced myself to swallow the lump of bleakness in my throat and grinned at him. "Besides, you're going to need all the backup you can get in a few years when that little beauty has all the boys panting after her."
Cal's eyes remained troubled, but his frown turned into a grin. "I'll take you up on that. I can double sic a bad-ass Marine and a top lawyer on those boys all in one package."
"In that case, I better collect a retainer fee," I joked.
Cal laughed but grew serious again. "Seriously. I think it's time, don't you?"
The downside to a close family is they felt compelled to butt in.
"Time for what? The Steelers to take the division title this year? I agree." I knew exactly what he was referring to, but playing ignorant was my go-to defense and pathetic attempt to deflect the conversation.
"Holt --"
"Cal, I know you mean well. But forever only comes around once. I had it. I wish it had lived up to its name, but it didn't. I have to live with that." 'Live' being the operative word and an interesting choice given my behavior after Claire died. Only the tough love of my family pulled me through that dark time.
"That doesn't mean you can't find someone else. Loving another woman isn't going to take anything away from Claire."
