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The wine tingled through my arms until my fingertips were warm. My mouth felt dry.
I pictured what he described. I could see his offer playing out. I’d board a plane for DC. I could use my fake ID one last time and no one would ever know I had left the county. I’d land and take a cab to the brownstone I shared with Greer. I’d walk up three flights of stairs with my suitcase and come up with some lame reason for why I had to get away. Greer would understand I was still nursing a broken heart. She wouldn’t ask many questions. I would take her pity.
Agent Kenneth would want to meet after work on the same schedule he always did. He would wait outside my building after work. Pretend he cared what was going on in my life. Pretend our sessions together meant we were building a rapport. Meanwhile, I’d be drowning in grief right in front of him. But he wouldn’t see it was swallowing me whole. No, his only focus would be to hunt Vaughn. If I returned, I’d have to get better at lying, but I could see that it might be possible.
But there was a problem I wouldn’t be able to coach myself through. Once I blended into my life again, the darkness would set in. The blackness that swallowed me whole when Vaughn was gone would take me to my knees. I swore I’d never make it if he left a second time. I couldn’t survive that kind of mind-splitting agony. I didn’t want to. I wanted him. I wanted this. I’d rather live a life hidden with him than live without him in the sun.
And this meant shedding my hold on morality. This meant learning to live with guilt. This meant loving him no matter what it cost my soul. The lies and deceit were part of the package.
“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to go home. I never want to go home. Where you are is where I’m going to be. We talked this through in D.C. when you came back for me.” I thought about all the decisions that led me here, to this moment. How could I possibly choose to turn back now?
He pulled me against his chest and my hands wrapped around his back.
“Last chance,” he whispered.
I knew as well as he did, that the risks we had taken in the past week had already raised the stakes in our relationship. There was no going back.
“I don’t ever want to leave. I swear. I’m sorry I’m scared. I’m sorry.”
He exhaled. “Shit, Em. Don’t be sorry, just don’t scare me like that. I’m going to show you this can work. Trust me, ok?”
He tipped my chin toward his lips. His mouth brushed over mine with the kind of tenderness that sent a rush of heat down my spine.
“Let me take you back to bed.”
I nodded as he scooped me in his arms, lifting my legs from the floor. My feet dangled as he carried me to the bedroom. I felt light in his hold. As if he would protect me from all the nightmares. From the drea
ms. From reality if he had to.
“Are you all in?” He laid me on the bed. “I need to know.”
“I am. I don’t have any doubts about us. About you. I swear.”
It was true—I had no doubt this was where I wanted to be. It didn’t mean I wasn’t scared. It didn’t mean that I fast-forward the time I needed to let the bruises on my heart heal. It didn’t mean there weren’t scars so deep that Vaughn might never be able to Band-Aid me back together.
He peeled the sheets back. The bed was already cool. I didn’t know how long it had been since the nightmare first woke me. How long had we talked?
Vaughn lowered me to the covers and I curled on my side as he aligned his body behind me. With his arm across my chest, I thought I might be able to sleep this time. But after his second deep breath, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I held on to his forearm while he slept.
I listened for sounds outside the window that I could be recognize. I counted backward. I counted forward. I played the movie game in my head. I listed the cases I had worked on in New Bern. I listed cases from DC. I named the clients alphabetically. It only seemed to make it worse.
I rolled on my back. Vaughn’s arm followed, as if it were glued to my body.
Each day since Vaughn had returned had been monumental. There was the first morning waking up together again. There was the day we escaped to the Bahamas. There were days when nothing else mattered but what we did in the bedroom of our bungalow. There was the first time I used a new identity. The first lie. The first assignment with Blackwing. Every single damn day had been an enormous test.
Tomorrow was another one.
I tried to force myself to sleep, knowing this was one of those tests I was failing miserably.
Chapter Two
French coffee was bitter. I didn’t expect it. I placed the small porcelain cup on the saucer.
Vaughn’s eyes were covered by sunglasses. We sat outside at a small table on the sidewalk in front of the bistro.
“Merci,” he thanked the waitress for our breakfast. “Veuillez apporter la facture.”
She smiled. “Bien sur, monsieur.”
