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I knew he had always been skittish about unfamiliar numbers. I was lucky he had answered. “It doesn’t matter. How’s Mom?” I asked.
“She’s about to lose her damn mind.” He sighed. “Are you ok? Has he hurt you?”
“What? Who hurt me?”
“That guy. The one you’re with. Look, there have been agents here. FBI, Emily. You are in some serious shit. I know you’re in trouble, but I’m worried. Just tell me where you are.”
I wanted to throw up on the expensive rug I purchased. “Are they bothering you? Threatening you? What did the agents say?”
“I don’t believe anything they’ve said. I know you. I know you aren’t a criminal. You would never help a criminal. I’ve told them that so many times, but they keep calling. They keep showing up. How can I help you? How can I bring you back?”
I closed my eyes. “You can’t.”
“What is that supposed to mean? Just tell me where you are and I’ll drive. I’ll drive all night if I have to. It wasn’t that long ago you drove all night to find me, remember? Let me be there for you. I can do this.”
The pain circled my lungs. “I don’t need you to pick me up.” I knew better than to give him any kind of clues as to where I lived now. If I could slip up, so could he. And my brother was the one in regular contact with the FBI.
“Has he hurt you? Forced you somehow? He had to, right? That’s the only way something like this could have happened to you. I am going to kill him.”
“No. No.” I wanted to stop that line of thinking before it snowballed. “I left with him. Because I wanted to.”
“What? That doesn’t make any sense. You wouldn’t do something like that. This isn’t you. You’ve never broken a law in your life. Never.”
I wasn’t sure what it was I felt. Shame? Guilt? Defiance? I felt the need to defend my ability to be rash and impulsive. I wanted to tell Garrett he had no idea who I was. He had always been too wrapped up in his own problems to notice or care. But why was I trying to pick a fight with the one person I needed?
“Garrett, tell me how Mom is.”
He huffed. “She’s a complete wreck. She’s not eating or sleeping. She blames herself for this. She thinks she wasn’t there for you. She thinks she pushed you away somehow.” He paused. “It’s been humbling. I think I’ve finally seen what I put her through. She doesn’t deserve it. From me or you. You need to come home. You’re hurting her.”
I had waited so many years. My whole life for him to see it. To see that our mother would do anything in this world for him. But I hadn’t expected it to happen because we traded places. I was the good one. The loyal one. The steady one who was there for everyone in the family.
I had also been the
enabler. The pushover. The weaker sibling who was swept to the side when Garrett took center stage. I wasn’t that kind of sister anymore.
“You can’t tell her I called.”
“What? Why not? I have to tell her you’re all right.”
I sighed. “You can’t. Ok? It will make things worse.”
“How can it be worse than thinking she’ll never see her daughter again?”
“I’m going to see everyone again.” I didn’t know if that was a lie. Vaughn and I talked about it like it was something that could happen, but it wouldn’t be soon.
“When? If you tell me when, then at least I know what I’m dealing with.”
“I’m not sure. But as soon as I can, I will.” My throat started to tighten. This felt like an actual goodbye. One that seemed close to permanent.
“I need to go. But don’t tell her. Ok? Do that for me. It’s better for her. The less she knows, the better. Protect her from this, Garrett. Try to keep the agents away from her. I promise I’m happy. I’m ok. I’ll try to call again when I can, but I have to go now.”
“I’m not hanging up,” he protested.
The tears stung. They welled on my bottom lids, ready to spill at any second. I didn’t want to hang up either, but it was time.
“I just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted you to know I’m ok. I’m here because I want to be. Remember that. I’m where I’m supposed to be. I love you. And Merry Christmas.”
“Emily, wait just a—”
