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I didn’t care. I couldn’t feel it.
I turned off the water and wrapped a towel around my chest. I wanted another drink, but I didn’t want to face Greer.
I walked to my bed and slid between the sheets. I turned my phone off. I didn’t know if Agent Kenneth would dare call. And after today I knew I had spoken my last words to Vaughn. He was gone. I closed my eyes. I knew there wouldn’t be peace in my sleep, but it was better than being awake where I could think and remember.
I counted backward. And eventually I fell asleep.
There was a knock on my door.
“Emily, are you up?”
The sunlight peered through the blinds. I turned toward the wall. I wasn’t ready to talk to Greer. After last night, I knew we had both done permanent damage to each other. Something friends weren’t supposed to do.
“Emily? Can I come in?”
She twisted the knob, but was blocked by the flimsy lock. It wouldn’t take much for her to push through it, but she stopped.
“Emily? Just tell me you’re in there and I’ll leave you alone.”
I picked up a book next to the bed and threw it at the door.
“Ok. I guess that means you’re in there. I have to leave for a few hours.”
I didn’t know what that meant. She should be going to work. I looked at the clock. She should have been gone by now.
I didn’t respond. I pulled the quilt to my head and let the tears fall on my pillow. The cocoon silenced my grief. I didn’t know when I’d come out. I didn’t know if I ever would. In here everything was gray and shaded. Doused with pain and sadness. Betrayal had sunk its claws into my pores like open wounds and tore at me, ripping and stretching gaping holes in what was left of me. The murkiness was cold. I shivered uncontrollably, no matter how tightly I pulled the blanket to my body.
My eyes drifted open and I spotted the crossword lying on the bedside table. It was Vaughn’s.
I threw off the cover, snatched the book in my hand, and began shredding the pages from the seams. I screamed as the tattered pieces gathered at my knees and hips. I’d never felt such rage. Such anger. A venom that poisoned me with hate.
I couldn’t make the scraps small enough. I couldn’t make them any smaller. I couldn’t make the traces of him disappear.
I collapsed on the bed.
“It wasn’t a con.” I breathed. “It wasn’t a con.” The whisper didn’t sound like my own voice.
My heart beat was erratic. I had to get out of this bed. I needed air.
I pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of pajama pants, sliding my arms through a zip-up hoodie and headed onto the balcony. It was cold.
It was here on the roof I’d first felt it. Undeniable love. Unquestionable sexual chemistry. An inexplicable connection. I sat on the chaise lounge.
Why? Why did he do it? Why get in so deep?
My head hurt. My whole body hurt.
I couldn’t see anything ahead. All I could picture was what was behind me. What I wanted was in the rearview mirror. Even if that included a man who had lied to me. I knew I was supposed to hate him. I shouldn’t want to turn around and find him. To hear his voice. To feel his touch. Why couldn’t I have him? Even if he wasn’t the man I thought he was. Because right now he was who I needed most to survive. How did I get through it without him?
I heard the door slide open and I turned, desperate that I was wrong and Vaughn had come back. He would stroll onto the balcony and swear we’d make it through the nightmare.
My heart plummeted to my stomach when I saw Greer.
“It’s cold out here.”
“It is,” I agreed, abhorred I was holding on to some kind of hope for him. I didn’t want her to see it on my face.
She walked toward me with an extra blanket and a cup of coffee. She had a checkered one draped over her shoulders.
