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I did my best to push down the memories her words were brewing. It was the same memories that caused most of my nightmares.
I shook my head as if that would force it back down. I got up and began pacing the room again. I didn’t like all the emotions this conversation brought back. I was acutely aware of the ringing in my ear and the sound of all the cars on the street below.
“She is mine, isn’t she,” I finally said in a statement, not a question.
“It doesn’t matter,” Julie said softly. “She is mine now. I knew the moment I found out that I would raise her on my own. Nothing that has happened today has changed th
at fact.”
“What if I do want to change that?” I asked walking up to her.
I couldn’t help but touch her. She was ambrosia for me. One small taste, and now all I wanted was more.
“No,” Julie whispered tears in her eyes. “I won't let you just walk back in here like nothing has changed. There is too much at stake now. I won’t put her through that.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Jules,” I said as I softly brushed a stray lock of auburn hair from her face.
I could look on her face for a million years, and it wouldn’t be enough. I couldn’t help but let my eyes linger on her lips.
“I can’t trust you anymore,” she said putting her hands on my chest and softly pushing me away.
It had almost no effort to it, but I wouldn’t crowd her. It didn’t miss my notice, however, that her hands lingered just a little longer than necessary.
“I won’t risk you hurting Emma,” she stated honestly crossing her arms again.
“I’m not asking you to trust me, I know that is too much. But, now that I know I have a daughter, I feel responsible for her. I want to help.”
“I don’t need your help,” Julie said jutting out her chin. “I’ve been on my own the last six years and have done just fine.”
“I didn’t say you need my help. I know you can handle things on your own. That doesn’t mean you should.”
“Hawk, I can't do this right now,” she said moving towards the door. “Em is going to wake up soon, and I need to start dinner. I think you should go.”
I understood this was a lot for her. Hell, it was all a lot for me too. I didn’t want to push my luck and have her cut me off for good. I would have to work slow if I wanted to get Julie’s trust back.
Maybe a part of me had hoped she would still be here waiting for me when I got back. Now that she was here, and with my daughter on top of that, it was my priority to get them both back in my life.
I didn’t care if it was just so that I could have a relationship with Emma. I would find a way to make up for the damage I did over the last six years.
I let her walk me back out to the main part of the apartment. I watched her check on Emma again. Now that I knew for sure she was my daughter; I was itching to check on her myself.
“Is she still warm?” I asked with my medical training kicking in.
I looked her over quickly. She seemed to be resting peacefully and was well colored. At least she wasn’t dehydrated, which was common for someone so young. At this age when it hurt to swallow kids could easily get dehydrated just from refusing to drink.
“Yeah,” I heard the worried tone in Julie’s voice.
I edged towards the door. I needed to leave her and let her process things. Hell, I needed to take my own time to figure out my next step.
“Do you think I could come by tomorrow? To check on Emma that is,” I said as I put my hand on the doorknob.
“I don’t think it's a good idea,” Julie said. “I don’t know if I am ready to tell her who you are.”
“I understand. You don’t have to tell her anything. Not right now, if you don’t want to. I just want to come by. You know, maybe get to know her a little.”
I could see her resolve faulted a little. I understood why she couldn’t trust me right now. That was something I would have to earn back. It was only logical she would be protective of Emma. I was okay if she didn’t want to tell my daughter who I was just yet.
I would find a way, though. I wasn’t sure how, but I was going to make it up to Julie for all the lost time and be the father that Emma deserved.
