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What was I going to do? What could I do?
If I did as she asked, they would hate me. If I didn’t, she would continue to take from me until there was nothing left.
The panic attack caught me by surprise. I fanned my hands about, pacing, then moaned quietly, internally counting as I tried to take in a full breath and let it out slowly. But it wasn’t helping.
In a last-ditch attempt to regain control, I stumbled into the closet. My trembling fingers working to close me into the darkness. They struggled but managed. And I began to wonder if maybe Nastasia was right.
Maybe I was sick.
Breathing heavily, my brow dampened with sweat, and I put my back to the wall, sliding down until my chin rested on my upturned knees. I closed my eyes. I was so tired.
So damn tired.
Please, God. I want to die. Take me away from this place. Welcome me home.
The prayer should have startled me. It didn’t.
I blinked into the darkness, my body shaking.
More than anything, I wished it to come true.
Hours later, he found me, and the second my closet door opened, a beam of light hit my face, causing me to lift a hand to protect my squinting eyes. My brother’s lips pulled down. He sighed at the state of me, and I truly felt awful for the worry I caused him of late.
Viktor looked up to the ceiling, closed his eyes, and muttered something inaudible to my ears. And then his hand appeared in front of me.
A lifeline he would never know how desperately I needed.
I placed my quaking hand in his, and he pulled me up.
“Come here,” he uttered quietly, then gave me no choice, pulling me into his warm embrace.
The minute I was safely locked into his hold, my breath hitched, and my body jerked. I cried. Gut-wrenching, knee-weakening sobs. My brother held me up, cradling me, rocking me like a child.
“Jesus Christ, Anika. Open your mouth. Use your words. Talk to me” was his broken plea.
How could I tell him, when his shoulders already bore the heaviest of loads?
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. But I could take the minor moments of shelter he offered.
Unfortunately, God never did hear my brutal prayers. And because of that, I did what I had always done.
I endured.
Mina
I couldn’t wait. Even where I was, I could not wait a second longer. My period was a day late, and in the ladies’ room at Bleeding Hearts, I went about the motions, peeing on the test and waiting the three torturous minutes. But when the result came in, I wish I had waited after all.
Staring down at the long, white plastic strip between my fingers, I felt nothing but numb.
Negative.
God, I hated that word.
Another month. Another disappointment. I was too engrossed in yet another failed attempt to get pregnant, when the bathroom door swung open, and Anika walked in with a tired smile. She glanced down at the test and paused midstep.
“Mina,” she uttered, her wide eyes inquisitive, as though wondering whether the news might have been of the good variety.
Attempting to cover up the ache in my chest, I turned away and let out a humorless, “Nope.” I took the test and threw it in the trash. It hit the bottom with a slight ping. “Not today.”
Her expression glum, she blinked desolately and let out a soft, “I’m sorry.”
I shrugged, not exactly sure I wanted to be talking to her about this. After all, she did try to steal my husband right out from under me. “What can you do, right?”
It was hard to feign a measure of calm I did not feel, but I tried. I turned on the tap and washed my hands. When I shook them out, I peered up in the mirror to find Anika standing there with hesitance heavily etched in her fine features.
She looked as though she had something to say.
“Everything okay?” I asked with a frown.
“I…” She licked her lips, then cleared her throat. “I need to tell you something.”
Swiping a paper towel out of the dispenser, I dried my hands. “Okay. Shoot.”
Anika tried to begin but stalled three times until finally, she said, “I know I wasn’t exactly welcoming of you, and I have regrets about the things I did. I’m sure you won’t believe me, but I want you to know that I’m…” She shrugged helplessly. “I’m really happy for you.”
Of all the things she could have said, I definitely did not anticipate that little tidbit.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, I chuckled and said, “Wow. That must have been really hard for you to say.”
But she shook her head, wearing a sad smile. “No. It wasn’t.” She shrugged. “It took me a while, but I can see now that you and Lev are perfect for each other.”
