AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“What are you doing here?”
He didn’t approach, just paused, his eyes flicking to the ground. They didn’t rise any higher than the stairs.
“I … I just wanted to try to explain—”
“Mama told you not to come back. You’re lucky she’s in a forgiving mood.”
He met my eyes. “Is she the only one?”
“She is.”
A nod, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he seemed to make some sort of decision. “I understand.” Another pause as he collected himself. “I’m leaving town, so I just … just hear me out for a second. Please.”
My brain had caught fire at the news of him leaving, screeching its shock and dissent. I couldn’t speak, so I nodded like he had.
“When I came to town, I thought … I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. But I didn’t. It started off as a game for me, just like it did for you. And then … you turned everything I thought I knew inside out. You showed me the world from a vantage I’d never seen. I was ready to stay here with you because there wasn’t a choice to be made. There wasn’t a question to answer. I just wanted you.” His gaze swept the ground as he tried to master himself. “I won’t ask your forgiveness, Jo—I don’t deserve it. But you should know it wasn’t all a lie. And that I’m sorry.”
I swallowed, trying to force my heart, my tears back down without luck. “Everything we had was built on trust. The reason it worked was that we were being honest, honest about what we wanted and what we had to give, even when those things were part of a game. But while I was being honest, you were lying the whole time, if not about your feelings, then about your father, my mother, the safety of our rights.”
“You’re right. I didn’t tell you about my father to protect myself, not you. I told you to sell, to turn your back on your convictions, because it benefited me. But how I feel about you has never been a lie. It’s the most honest thing I’ve ever known.”
I shook my head, my breath hitching. “But when did it stop being a lie and start being the truth? You can’t name that moment any better than I could, I’d wager. So how … how am I supposed to believe anything you say to me when the cornerstone you and I were built on was faulty from the start?”
The misery on his face mirrored my heart. “You aren’t. I won’t ask you to. But I couldn’t leave without saying so.”
“Do you feel better?” I asked.
“Not at all.”
“Yeah. Me neither.” I backed toward the door. “You should go.”
Another nod. He opened his car door, but didn’t get in. He took that moment to look at me with all the weight, all the searing pain in his gaze. He stripped me bare again, his eyes tracing the shape of me, landing on my eyes once more, as if to memorize me.
“Goodbye, Jo,” he said with a raw, rough voice before slipping into his car and driving away.
“Goodbye,” I whispered at the dust and distance.
Because that was all that was left.
29
The Longest Road
GRANT
The highway rolled under me, the horizon stretched out in front of me, and everything I wanted was behind me.
I’d packed the rest of my bag carelessly, thrown it in my trunk. Blew through the house, tidying up as quickly as I could. Loaded the dishwasher and started it. Pulled the sheets off the bed and threw them in the wash. Sat down at the table with the stationery Salma had set up by the ancient telephone hanging on the wall in the kitchen and wrote two letters—one to Salma and one for Jo.
And then I got in my car and drove.
I’d gained hundreds of miles of distance, but I hadn’t left it behind me. It was as if a piece of me had been pinned there, and the farther I traveled, the longer I stretched. My soul was thin and pale, taxed to its limits. It’d never be the same, no matter how many miles stood between us. Because part of me would always be hers.
Now I had to figure out who I was without her. My old life didn’t fit anymore, like a shirt shrunk in the wash, buttons gaping and seams strained. I didn’t know my new self well enough to have an instinct I could trust. But I was headed back to my old apartment at eighty miles an hour without hope I’d figure it out.
But going back was the only thing left to do.
Even if I’d left my heart behind me.
With her.
30
Pieces of Me
JO
Two long and empty days passed.
There hadn’t been much left to say once he drove away, so I didn’t say much at all. We got a call to move a hive that had formed in a playground structure, and I took the job as usual, enjoying the hours spent alone. I kept myself busy on the farm so I didn’t have to see anyone, and when I had no choice, like at dinner, I pretended like everything was fine. Like I was fine.
