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And I had driven away my closest friends in the process. I covered my face with my hands, wincing as the movement caused my ribs to throb with pain. I had spoken to Isiah and the rest with such anger, when I knew they only spoke the truth, and now I didn’t know whether I would have the chance to apologize, to beg their forgiveness. Not that I deserved it; I, who had stolen the last five years of their lives from them.
For there was no denying it now, even to myself: for all that I had thought of my castle as my one safe space, the others had seen it for what it truly was: a prison. I had imprisoned myself for five years, and worse, I had forced my closest friends into imprisonment alongside me.
Good Lord, how had I gone so wrong?
When I first retreated into the castle, I hadn’t intended for it to be permanent. I had only meant to stay for a time, to heal in peace, away from temptation, until I was strong enough to return. How had five years passed since that call to Bernard? I had taken terrible advantage of his loyalty to me, and I had been too blind, too caught up in my own selfish fear, to see the toll I had taken on those closest and most dear to me.
And now I had paid the price for my selfishness, if not in their lives, then in the loss of the sweetest, kindest woman I had known. I saw now how wrong I had been; I had judged Isabel by the women who had come before her, by Agatha, Bridget, even my mother and my aunt. I had expected her to leave, to hurt me, because they had. And so I had forced her away before she had the chance to leave, thinking it would hurt less. I had been wrong, of course, dead wrong. Knowing that I had hurt Isabel caused me more pain than anything she could have inflicted on me.
Isabel had brought the castle to life in a way we men hadn’t seen in years. She had brought the others hope for the future, I had seen that in their faces, in the way they sang or whistled to themselves as they went about their days. And I had seen it in the resentment in their eyes when I sent her away. I had gone too far this time, asked too much. This time, they might not forgive me. I had pushed their loyalty to its limit.
I would need to make amends, if I could. And I knew just where to start. It was long past time for me to reemerge into the world. I had been in hiding for too long, it was time to face my fears. I owed it to the men who had stood by my side for five long years, who had nursed me back to health when I had given up on my own life. It was time to free them, as well as myself.
As for Isabel, well, I suffered from no delusions there. I would be lucky if I ever saw her again, much less earned her forgiveness. I would try, if I could, to explain myself. After that, it was in her hands. I only hoped she would not hold my selfishness against the others.
Lost in my thoughts, I hardly noticed my hospital door opening until I heard a gasp. Isabel stared at me, mouth open, eyes brimming with tears. “You’re awake,” she said, her voice trembling. “They said — they didn’t know if —” At that, the tears spilled over onto her cheeks.
“Oh, don’t, please,” I said, horrified. “I’m fine, really. Just a little banged up. Nothing I can’t handle.”
Isabel sniffed. “They said you might not wake up. Oh God, Jacques, I was so scared…” she trailed off, clearly trying to hold back the tears that still threatened to fall.
“It takes a lot more than a little tumble off the roof to get rid of me,” I said, attempting a jovial tone, though I sensed it fell rather flat. “Isabel,” I said, hardly daring to ask, dreading the answer that might come. “The others? Are they —”
“They’re all fine,” Isabel rushed to assure me. “Not so much as a scratch on them.”
Relief washed over me, and I fell back onto my pillow. “Thank God,” I murmured, more to myself than anyone else.
“I’m so sorry, Jacques,” Isabel said. I stared at her.
“You’re sorry?” I said, bewildered. “What the hell do you have to be sorry for? I should be apologizing to you.”
“This is all my fault,” Isabel sniffed. “Luis never would have done what he did, if not for me. I had no idea, you have to believe me. I knew he was jealous, but never in a million years did I think he was capable of —”
