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The day I graduated, they told me I could stay until I left for college in the fall, and I haven’t been back. That’s not my home. But I was lucky and found that at college. Shelby and I were roommates freshman year, and we hit it off. We’ve been thick as thieves ever since. She’s been my only family and listened to me as I obsessed over grades and my life plan.
However, life often has other ideas, though I’ll never regret the night that resulted in me being a mother. Not just because this little angel was created, but because of him. Hazel Eyes as I’ve taken to calling him. He was my every fantasy come true. He told me the same thing, that I was his. He made me… feel, and I knew the score. It was a one-night thing, so when he fell asleep, I snuck out. I forced myself to walk away to avoid the awkwardness that was sure to be there when the sun came up.
When I found out I was pregnant, that wasn’t the first time that I regretted running out that night. It wasn’t the first time I wished I was still back in that hotel room, laying in his arms, feeling whole for the first time in my life.
As I lie here holding my daughter, who’s not even an hour into this world, I worry about how I’ll tell her about her father. I don’t know his name, but I know deep in my soul that if I did—if I had a name and if he knew about her—he would have accepted her.
Don’t ask me how I know, but it’s a feeling, one that I will stand behind when my daughter is old enough for me to tell her about the man with hazel eyes who gave me the greatest gift in the world.
Her.
“You doing okay, Momma?” my best friend asks from the chair beside my bed.
“I’m good,” I assure her. “Thank you for being here with me today.”
“Are you kidding? There’s no way I was missing this.”
“You’ve done so much,” I tell her, tears beginning to form again.
“Stop. You would have done the same thing for me. That’s what best friends are for. Besides, as this little angel’s aunt, I deserve the right to be here,” Shelby says, giving me a watery grin. “Now—” She clears her throat, sitting up straighter in her chair. “Can you finally tell me what you’re naming her?”
I look down at my chest to my sleeping daughter and smile softly. The moment I found out I was having a girl, I knew what I was naming her. However, I kept it to myself. I told Shelby that I needed to see her first, something I’ve heard other mothers say—at least from what I’ve read on the blogs I follow.
“Hazel. Her name is Hazel Marie.” My voice cracks and my heart swells with love.
“Hazel Eyes.” Shelby nods in understanding.
“Yeah. I took her father from her, and I want her to have a piece of him. That’s all I know about him to give her, and Marie, as you know, is my middle name. She has a piece of both of us.”
“I love it.” She reaches across the bed and gives my arm a gentle squeeze. “For the record, you didn’t take her father from her. You don’t know what would have happened that next morning. You also had no idea that this little sweetie was created that night. You’re doing the best that you can. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
I nod. I don’t agree with her because I will forever live with the regret of walking away. I was a coward. I was inexperienced, and the feelings that he awoke in me that night, they had my mind racing and my heart aching to never let go. I knew that wasn’t what our night was, so I fled. I regret leaving, but I will never regret my night with him and my daughter. She’s my everything.
“You sure you don’t need me to stay with you for a while?” Shelby asks.
“No, but thank you. You need to keep living your life, and I need to learn how to live mine as a single mother.”
“It’s okay to ask for help.”
“Oh, trust me, I will.” I chuckle. “You’re going to wish that you lived in a different apartment building.”
“Never. I don’t care what time it is. If you need me, you call me.”
I nod. “Thank you, Shelby. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”
She swallows hard and nods. “So, is the plan still that Thea is going to watch her for you?”
“Yes. She’s excited to bring in some extra income since Scott is the only one working. He insists that she raise Clint, and they not put him in daycare.”
