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When I didn’t answer right away, Jonas sat up and shifted so he was facing me. I couldn’t call the words forth so I just shook my head. My throat hurt as I recalled the last time I’d talked to my mother and father.
“After we lost Evan, I wasn’t in a good place. I guess I needed to punish myself because they wouldn’t. Neither would Shel. I hated them for that…”
“What happened to your wife?”
Pain lanced through me at the thought of Shelby. “She remarried a few years ago. She had a baby last year.”
“You keep in touch with her?”
I shook my head and dropped my eyes. “I go there sometimes to check on them. Her and my parents.”
“But you don’t talk to them?”
“No,” I said. I lifted my eyes and spoke before Jonas could ask his next question. “I did some really shitty things, Jonas. Things you can’t just come back from.”
I was glad when Jonas merely nodded and then leaned forward to give me a kiss before he climbed out of bed. “Is it safe enough to take a walk?”
I nodded.
“Great. Cole said there’s a lake nearby. Let’s go check it out.”
* * *
I used my foot to gently rock the porch swing back and forth as my eyes surveyed the end of the driveway for any sign of headlights. I had the rifle resting across my lap as my eyes slowly adjusted to the falling darkness and I began tightening my grip on it as my fear for Cole began to increase. As the tension within me began to build, I forced myself to focus on the events of the day instead.
Somehow my admission to Jonas that I wanted to explore a relationship with him and Cole had brought down some of the walls that had stood between us and as we’d explored the property, he’d been more relaxed than I’d ever seen him. He’d joked with me and shared stories about the culture shock he’d experienced when he’d first arrived in Paris. I’d also heard countless stories about many of the rescue animals he and Casey had worked with during the years they’d spent running the small animal shelter after they’d left Chicago. But as the day went on and Cole hadn’t returned, I’d sensed the same worry in him that was going through me.
It was how I knew I was in love with both of them. I’d known pretty quickly that my feelings for Jonas ran deeper than just simple fascination or attraction so admitting that I was in love with him was easy. What I felt for Cole was unexpected, especially considering the short time we’d known each other for. But the second he’d confronted me last night, refusing to let me walk away from both of them after my admission about how Evan had died, I’d realized the truth. I was completely and utterly in love with two men at the same time and I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to choose between them.
I automatically reached for my rifle when I saw headlights flash at the end of the driveway. Relief was my first reaction when I saw my car come into view but it quickly turned to anger. And it didn’t help when Cole barely acknowledged my presence as he strode past me into the house.
I followed him into the kitchen and watched him dump a couple of plastic bags on the table and then he was opening a bottle from the six pack of beer he’d been holding. He took several long drags on it before he glanced at me and snapped, “What?”
“That’s what you’re going to say to me right now?” I bit out as I leaned the rifle in the corner.
“You’re not my fucking keeper, Mace.” He drained the beer and reached for another one. “Where’s Jonas?”
“Asleep,” I said. “Between the nightmares last night and him worrying about you all day, he was worn out.”
Cole stilled in the process of opening the second beer and I knew he was remembering the two episodes Jonas had had the night before. The first had been similar to most of the ones I’d witnessed and Cole and I ended up positioning Jonas between us in the middle of the night as he’d fought off his unseen attacker. He hadn’t completely awoken and having both Cole and me soothing him with soft words and touches had seemed to help bring him out of it. The second nightmare had been worse because Jonas had started calling out Carrie’s name. And while he hadn’t gotten violent, his anguished cries as he’d apologized to Carrie over and over had left their mark on Cole.
“Where did you go?” I asked.
“Home. I needed to check up on some things.”
“You should have waited to talk to me about it,” I said as I watched Cole begin draining the second beer.
