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The only thing I processed after that was Cole’s withdrawal from my body and Jonas’s gentle kisses on my neck and jaw. And then there was just blackness and my last conscious thought was that I had to find a way to make sure I never lost this second chance at perfection that I’d been given.
* * *
“You okay?” I heard Cole ask as he came out onto the porch. The sound of the screen door creaking seemed loud in the night air.
“Yeah,” I said and I wasn’t surprised when he came and sat down next to me on the porch swing. “Was thinking we should start taking turns taking watch.”
“Okay,” Cole said, though I could tell from the way he said it that he didn’t really believe me. His entire body pressed against mine and I both loved and feared how it settled the agitation rolling around inside of me.
“Jonas still asleep?” I asked, more to fill the silence than anything else since it was two o’clock in the morning and Jonas hadn’t stirred even once as I’d extricated him from my arms.
“Yeah,” Cole murmured. “Mace, I didn’t hurt you did I?”
I looked over at him. There was enough moonlight flooding the front yard for me to see his concerned expression.
“Are you kidding me?” I said with a laugh. “You fucking slayed me, Cole.”
I saw his whole body relax at that.
“If I hadn’t known better, I would have guessed you’d done that before.”
“I googled it,” Cole said.
“What?”
Cole chuckled. “While I was at home checking on my father, I googled a few things so I’d know what to expect.”
I couldn’t help but laugh and it felt so good that I leaned over to kiss Cole. “That must have been quite educational,” I said as I drew back.
“It was. I saw some things I don’t ever want to see again but a few things I think we definitely need to try.”
My laughter died in my throat as a whole host of images flashed through my brain. The things I wanted to do with my men…
Except they weren’t my men.
“Hey,” Cole said softly and I turned my focus back to him. “We’re going to figure this out.”
I shook my head and looked out over the moonlit yard. “You know what I am, Cole. What I’ve done. You’re saying you’re okay with that?”
Cole was silent for so long that I was tempted to get up and leave so I wouldn’t have to endure his unspoken answer.
“A few weeks ago, I would have said no. I would have made the argument that we have laws and rules for a reason. But when I think about what those men did to my sister, to Jonas, what they’re still doing…they’re no better than the terrorists who steal countless innocent lives in the name of a religion they’ve distorted and twisted to meet their own needs.”
I felt Cole’s eyes on me. “We’re not so different, Mace. The things I’ve done may have been sanctioned by our government but I’ve still killed to protect the innocent…to get justice for the fallen.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“Why are you really out here?” Cole asked softly.
I drew in a deep breath. “Because I’m fucking terrified that the more time I spend with you and Jonas, the harder it’s going to be when I lose you.”
I knew what Cole was about to say so I cut him off. “Don’t tell me I’m not going to lose you, Cole. Because I wasn’t supposed to lose Evan either. I wasn’t supposed to shit all over my marriage by cheating on my wife more times than I can count, and I sure as hell wasn’t supposed to beat up my own father because he tried to take my car keys away when I was too drunk to drive!”
I shoved myself off the swing but Cole stood just as quickly and used his body to force mine back against the porch column. “Don’t run from me…us,” Cole whispered and then he kissed me. “You’re not that man anymore.”
“I can feel him, Cole. Right there under the surface. One wrong step…I won’t survive it this time,” I said with a shake of my head. “I tried, too,” I whispered, needing to tell this man who’d so quickly become a part of my everything the truth of who and what I’d been.
“Tried what?” Cole asked gently as his hands began stroking up and down my arms.
“What Jonas did,” I said since I couldn’t force the actual words from my lips.
Cole stilled. “You tried to take your life?”
I swallowed hard and nodded before I took Cole’s hand in mine and sifted his fingers through my hair until they found the scar on the side of my head. “My hand jerked at the last second. The doctors kept saying how lucky I was.”
