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A knock on the sliding French doors that closed the master bedroom off from the rest of the suite had me closing my eyes tiredly. “Come in.”
I’d slept surprisingly well the past few nights despite everything that had happened, but I still felt worn out. I was worried what that would mean for my meeting on Tuesday. I needed to be at the top of my game, but the lack of control over what was happening to me just made me feel like a little kid.
Ronan slid the doors open and came around to face me where I was sitting on the bed. “How are you holding up?”
I managed a slight nod but it felt like a lie. My eyes were downcast so I didn’t notice Ronan’s hand until his fingers settled under my chin and tipped it up. “How are you holding up?” he asked again.
God, why could I hide nothing from this man?
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
“How about we go someplace nice for dinner?”
Shaking my head, I said, “I’m not really hungry.”
“You need to eat, Seth.”
I pulled free of Ronan’s hold but didn’t say anything.
“Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll check on you in a little while?” Ronan gave Bullet, who was lying at my feet, a quick pat and then turned to leave.
I knew it wasn’t the time, but there was so much emotion churning in my belly that I just wanted some of the uncertainty to be over. “What are we doing, Ronan?” I said quietly. I was glad when Ronan didn’t ask what I meant. Instead, he turned to face me. But he didn’t answer me.
Frustration welled inside of me. “I can’t do it anymore,” I whispered. “I can’t pretend that what we have is enough.”
“What do you want, Seth?”
I let out a harsh laugh at that. The fact that he had to ask me that question was answer enough and I climbed to my feet. “I want what you had with him,” I admitted brokenly. “No more, no less. I want all of you…I deserve it.”
Ronan dropped his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. His silence was telling and I realized I’d had enough. I moved to the bathroom but stopped in the doorway. “After this is over, I need you to let me go.”
I didn’t wait to see what Ronan’s response would be because I knew there wouldn’t be one. He would fight to save my life, but he wouldn’t fight for us.
And I didn’t have the strength to fight by myself anymore.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ronan
The room Seth had booked was huge, but still felt too small to me. Of course, it hadn’t felt that way until after Seth’s heartbreaking words.
I want what you had with him. I want all of you.
The only problem with that was that Seth didn’t know all of me. If he did, he wouldn’t just be begging me to let him go, he’d be running from me as far as he could get.
I leaned the chair I’d snagged from the dining room back so the top of it was pressed against the wall behind me. I’d been out on the balcony for several hours now as I waited to see if Seth would make an appearance, but he hadn’t. After he’d disappeared into his bathroom the night before, I’d hoped that if I gave him some time, he’d come out and I could find a way to try to put us back to where we’d been before I’d fucked everything up. At least when we’d been friends, Seth had smiled. He’d laughed and joked. And he’d reminded me so much of the younger version of himself, that I’d felt a little less guilty for leaving him three years ago. But the only time I’d seen Seth was when he let Bullet out of the room so I or Hawke could take the dog outside, or to get the breakfast I’d ordered for him this morning and left outside his room.
“Ronan?”
“Out here,” I called to Hawke as I heard the front door open. I rocked the chair into an upright position and got up to go back inside. I was tempted to search out the alcohol that I knew would be in the mini bar, but I needed to be one hundred percent sober so I could be on alert for any danger that might come Seth’s way. As much as I believed the threat was isolated to home, I wasn’t going to risk Seth’s life for anything. Not even the need to drown myself in my own pity party.
I met Hawke in the seating area of the main room and was surprised to see he actually looked agitated. In all the years I’d known him, he’d always been in complete control of himself. “What is it?” I asked.
