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“I wouldn’t have been in that tree if you hadn’t convinced me you’d seen a monkey in it,” I reminded him.
He laughed. “Yeah, you were so gullible.”
“I was seven,” I said with a roll of my eyes as I sat down in the chair next to his. “And you seemed intent on getting me in trouble that summer.”
Brody smiled, but didn’t comment.
And I knew why.
At that age, we’d still been too naïve to understand what the future had in store for us. We’d just been a couple of innocent kids playing silly games and trying to best one another.
We both sat in uncomfortable silence for a moment before Brody said, “I don’t know where to start.”
“Me either,” I admitted. “So many things I need to say to you, but I can’t think of a single one of them right now.”
“Okay, let’s start with something easy,” Brody said as he shifted so he was facing me. I did the same. “Vincent.”
I laughed and shook my head. “What happened to easy?” I asked as I ran my fingers through my hair.
“I saw the way you two looked at each other, Nathan. Admitting that part should be pretty easy, since you clearly suck so bad at hiding it.”
I took in a deep breath because I knew he was right. “I’m in love with him. I know it’s crazy and it’s too soon and I only admitted to myself I’m gay like five minutes ago…but there it is. I’m in love with him.”
“See? Easy!” Brody said with a smirk.
I took a swipe at him, but made sure not to make contact since I didn’t want him jerking away and hurting himself.
“He hasn’t said it back,” I admitted as I let my eyes connect with Brody’s. I knew it was selfish to dump that on him considering everything that had happened, but I literally had no one else to talk to about it, and the fact that Vincent hadn’t said the words back to me was messing with my head.
“Even if he hasn’t said it, Nathan, he’s not doing a lot to hide it.”
I nodded. Every time we were together, it felt like Vincent was saying things to me without the use of words, but I couldn’t be sure.
I let my eyes drift to the scenery around us. It really was a gorgeous view, and although there were a few puffy white clouds in the sky, I didn’t see even a hint of the rain that Seattle was famous for.
“Brody, you have to believe me that I didn’t really know until I met him. I mean, maybe deep down I did, but I got so good at denying it that I was just able to pass it off as being related to stress.”
“You mean being gay?”
I nodded. “And my problems with women. I just never…I never associated one with the other. I mean, when we were kids, I was so certain that some of the thoughts I had were the devil trying to get inside of me. If I thought some guy was good-looking, it wasn’t really me…it was the sin of the devil trying to lure me away from the side of the righteous.”
Even now, saying the things that had been drilled to us in sermon after sermon made me want to throw up. The fact that I’d actually believed them…that I’d thrown my brother aside in favor of believing the lies I’d been fed since birth…
“I’m so sorry, Brody,” I said with a shake of my head. “I wanted to protect you and that night when you told me that, I thought the devil was trying to steal your soul and-”
I fisted my hair in the hopes the pain would keep me from throwing up all over the place as my cruel words rang in my ears.
“I know, Nathan,” Brody said, and I felt his hand close over one of mine. He gently pried my fingers free of the death grip I had on my hair. “Believe me, I thought the same thing about myself. I didn’t want it to be true.”
“I should have talked to you…I should have listened instead of going to Dad.”
Brody’s fingers squeezed mine hard. “Nathan, please look at me.”
When I did, he said, “I know why you did it. You always did your best to protect me, and that’s what you thought you were doing that night.”
I dashed at the tears that threatened to fall. “I wish I could go back to that moment. I wish I could do it differently…there are so many things I wish I could have done differently.”
“Me too,” Brody murmured. “But I ended up where I was supposed to, Nathan. Just like I think you did, too. I don’t…I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to wonder how things could have been different, because every outcome I can think of would mean I never would have met Quinn or Beck. And the idea of not having them in my life…”
