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I had no idea how much time passed before he settled, but still I held him. It wasn’t until he began to lean on me more heavily that I pulled back and said, “Let’s sit down.” I knew his body had to be hurting, so I urged him to the small loveseat that was by the window that overlooked the front yard. It was only then that I noticed that Gage, Nash, and Grady had left the room. I was grateful for that, because this moment needed to be about my child and the long-awaited support he should have gotten so long ago.
“She didn’t tell you, did she?” Reese whispered.
“No, she didn’t,” I said.
Reese wiped at his face and I quickly grabbed him some tissues from the dispenser on the coffee table. “When did you know?” I asked.
“When I was fourteen. You’d just started your second term as vice president. But I waited until I was sixteen to tell her. I thought… I thought it would go away.”
“I thought that too,” I admitted.
Reese looked at me. “She was really upset when I told her. Said it would ruin everything and that I couldn’t tell anyone, because it was just a phase. She kept pushing me to date girls, but it just… it felt so wrong. I told her I wanted to talk to you about it because the secret, it was just…”
He seemed at a loss for words, so I settled my hand on his back and said, “I know.”
Reese sighed and rested his elbows on his knees, then clasped his hands. “She said she’d already told you and that you’d lost it. Said having a fag for a kid would ruin your chances at becoming president and that you’d rather I was…”
He couldn’t bring himself to say it again and I was glad for that, because even the idea that he’d believed such a terrible thing had come from my lips was making me sick.
“So I kept up the pretense,” he murmured. “But it was like I was dying a little bit at a time because you weren’t around much, and I thought it was because you… you couldn’t stand to be around me anymore.”
“God, no, Reese,” I said as I shook my head. “Fuck, no, I’m… God, I’m so sorry. My campaign for president was going on at the same time and I could barely keep up with everything as it was…” I climbed to my feet because sitting still was impossible. How had I not seen any of it? My son had looked at me, thinking I was a monster, and I’d been completely oblivious. A wave of profound helplessness washed over me. I would have given anything to go back in time to that moment. To know what my boy had gone through all those years… that he’d gone through what I’d gone through…
As badly as I wanted to just sink onto the floor and cry for what my son had been forced to endure, he needed me now as badly as he’d needed me then. I went back to the loveseat and sat down next to him. I reached for his hand, but then hesitated. He’d let me touch him once, but would he let me do it again?
Reese answered the question for me when he moved his hand to his knee so that it was closer to my hand. I covered his fingers with mine. “I’m sorry, Reese. You shouldn’t have had to go through that by yourself, any of it. Your mother and I… we were practically strangers when we married, and although we found a little bit of joy in each other when you were born, I didn’t really know her. I didn’t know she felt that way about gay people, and I don’t know what was going through her head that made her think it was okay to tell you such a terrible lie. But I would give anything to have that moment back so I could tell you that there was nothing wrong with you and that I’d love you no matter what. I didn’t put you first like I should have… I was too caught up in my own life to even consider what any of it was doing to you. That’s not an excuse, it’s just… an explanation, I guess,” I finished lamely.
Reese nodded and pulled his hand away. I felt the loss in my soul. But he didn’t get up like I expected. He didn’t tell me it was all too late.
“Is what Mom said true? About you fucking around on her behind her back with other men? Or was it just Colonel St. James?”
“It was just him. I’d never been with a man before, never admitted I was even gay to anyone. I know you might not believe this, but this is the first time I’ve actually said those words out loud… I’m gay.” I hesitated and said, “Reese, I know you’re angry with me for being with Pierce for a lot of reasons, but did you… did you have feelings for him?”
