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“You okay?” I asked, more to start the conversation than anything, since I could tell he wasn’t.
“Stupid, huh,” he said. “Someone my age afraid of storms.”
“Nope,” I said as I sat down next to him. “Everybody’s afraid of something.”
He didn’t need to speak for me to know what was on his mind. “Clowns, for starters,” I said. “And those troll doll things… with the hair… my sister had a whole bunch of those and they creeped me the fuck out. Not a fan of geese, either. Those fuckers are just mean.”
Caleb laughed and buried his face in his knees. “What did I do to deserve you?” He turned so he could look at me, but kept his cheek resting on his knees. “Why did you do it? Why did you get me out of the hospital that day?”
I lifted my own legs so my position was mirroring his and then rested my arms on my knees. “I just knew,” I said. “I could see it in your eyes.”
“See what?”
“That you didn’t belong there. That you weren’t broken like the others. At least not in any kind of way that those doctors could put you back together again.”
Caleb jumped when more thunder rumbled above us. I shifted closer to him and he automatically leaned into me.
“And this is why I keep coming back,” I murmured.
He looked up at me in confusion.
“The trust you show me, Caleb. After all you’ve been through, you’re still willing to trust. I wish I had that kind of strength.”
“I’m not strong. I’m so fucking scared, Jace. I know I made a big deal about me just going off on my own and disappearing, but the me who still feels shit knows I wouldn’t last five minutes.”
I put my arm around him.
“Being scared doesn’t make you weak. Neither does asking for help. Leaning on people again, even after everything that was done to you, that takes a kind of courage most of us could only dream of having.”
Caleb pressed his head against my shoulder. “Why did you stop talking to me, Jace? It wasn’t really to protect me, was it?”
“It was,” I murmured.
“I don’t understand. What were you protecting me from?”
“Not what,” I said. “Who.”
“Okay, who were you protecting me from?” Caleb asked.
“Me.”
Chapter 10
Caleb
“I don’t understand,” I admitted. I tried not to flinch when I felt the next clap of thunder in my very bones.
“I would’ve thought what just happened between us would make it pretty clear,” Jace said softly, then he was putting some space between us. I missed his heat instantly.
A tremor went through my body as I remembered what I’d done to him in the kitchen. I had no clue what had even possessed me to do it, but if that phone hadn’t rung…
“I don’t believe you,” I said. “Even if you were attracted to me back then—”
“No ifs about it, Caleb. I was… I am.”
At any other time, I would have been freaking out at his admission, but strangely enough, I wasn’t satisfied.
“You didn’t pick up the phone. No emails. You didn’t even ask Mav how I was doing.”
Jace scrubbed his hand over his face and I almost regretted starting the conversation.
Almost.
But not quite.
“Something happened when I was a kid, Caleb… I did something. It scared the people around me and they never… they never looked at me the same. I knew they still loved me, but I also knew there was this part of them that was afraid of me, and probably always would be. You’ve never looked at me like that. Even after everything you went through, even knowing you probably should be afraid of me, you weren’t.”
Jace paused and said, “I didn’t know how badly I needed that until you gave it to me. And once I had it, it was really hard to let go of it again.”
“Then why did you?” I asked bluntly. “I would have given you anything, Jace.”
“That’s why I left,” he responded. “I would have taken it all, Caleb. And you wouldn’t have gotten anything back. I don’t do relationships. I’m not interested in being a part of that family thing Ronan and Mav and them have going on out there. I can’t… I can’t have that day come where you look at me and that trust is gone and all I see is fear. You’re nineteen years old. You have your entire life ahead of you—”
“That’s just an excuse,” I muttered. “Don’t use my age against me. If you think I’m too immature or too naïve or inexperienced or whatever, just say it. But don’t turn what I feel into a fucking number… like that somehow makes the things I think and feel less.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Jace said on a sigh. “I don’t want you to waste even a second of everything that’s good about you on me, Caleb. You might be willing to give me everything, but I have nothing to give you.”
