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I knew Caleb was nervous about seeing his brother again. With the way he'd left and his refusal to return home with Mav more than two weeks earlier, Caleb was carrying a heavy dose of guilt. Not to mention everything he'd put Mav and Eli through over the past couple of years as they'd tried to help him recover from his ordeal. And, of course, now there was the added complication of my and Caleb's relationship.
As we got closer and closer to the Whidbey Island house, Caleb's tension continued to edge up. I saw him reach for his forearm a few times, then catch himself. He hadn't cut himself since that day when we'd first boarded the boat, but I knew that didn't mean he was cured. I'd used some of the time while we'd been waiting for Ronan to arrive in Germany to research Caleb's condition. I'd learned that it was very much like any kind of addiction. With therapy and hard work, he'd get to a point where he learned to use different methods of coping, but the urge to cut would likely always be there.
Caleb and I hadn't talked about the self-injuring with all that was going on, but I knew it was something we needed to address in the near future. For my part, I was trying to learn how to deal with the fear and helplessness that came with knowing I couldn't just make him stop. I knew I'd hurt him deeply when I'd hidden the silverware and knives on the boat – it had been a knee-jerk reaction and I wasn't proud of it. I'd selfishly wanted to avoid having to interact with him because of the feelings I'd been dealing with, but the fear that he'd hurt himself without me knowing had been at the back of my mind, so I'd replaced the silverware with the plastic cutlery. I'd learned during my research that trying to remove sharp objects from Caleb's immediate vicinity wouldn't solve anything – he'd just find other ways to hurt himself. I'd apologized to Caleb the morning I'd found the text about Maggie, and we'd talked about the issue enough that he'd agreed to try and reach out to me first whenever he was feeling the stress that drove him to hurt himself.
The same stress he was feeling now.
I leaned in to kiss his temple and said, “Breathe, baby.”
He drew in a breath, but didn't look at me. His eyes were on Willa, who was asleep in her car seat. The back seat in Ronan's SUV was the bench kind and Caleb and I had been able to squeeze onto it, along with the car seat. The irony wasn't lost on me that despite the rough start that had come with learning of Willa's existence, neither Caleb nor I could take our eyes off her for very long.
“He'll hate me,” Caleb whispered. “They both will.”
“You know that's not true,” I said softly.
“Does Mariana know I'm back?” Caleb asked Ronan.
“She does. She thought you and Eli could use some time to talk, so she'll be coming out to the house tomorrow. At least, I think that's what she said – she couldn't stop crying when I told her I was going to pick you guys up,” Ronan said.
As we reached the house and began the short trek up the driveway, Caleb looked at me. “You won't leave, right?”
“Martha Stewart couldn't drag me away, baby.”
He laughed and leaned against me. When the car pulled into the circular part of the driveway, Eli's Rottweiler, Baby, was already waiting at the bottom of the steps. I could see that the front door was open, but didn't see Eli or Mav.
Once we were out of the car, Caleb went to greet Baby while I got Willa's car seat. I turned in time to see Caleb standing stock-still with Baby eagerly nuzzling his fingers. But Caleb's attention wasn't on the dog anymore.
It was on Eli, who was standing in the doorway.
Also frozen.
Eli moved first.
In fact, he was the only one who moved. Caleb seemed stuck in place.
Eli moved slowly down the stairs, his eyes never leaving his brother. He looked terrible. It was clear he'd lost some weight and his expression was almost haggard.
Caleb didn't move, didn't react as Eli neared him. But when Eli was within a couple of feet of him, his expression unreadable, Caleb suddenly let out a harsh sob. “I'm sorry,” he blurted, then he covered his face with his hands.
Eli didn't even slow his step. The second he reached Caleb, he enfolded him in his arms. Caleb kept repeating he was sorry as he sobbed in Eli's arms and Eli just held onto him. I could hear him saying something to Caleb, but I wasn't sure what it was. It had Caleb nodding, though, so that was encouraging. I glanced up to see Mav standing at the top of the steps, his eyes on the brothers. He gave them a moment, then descended the stairs. When he reached the pair, Eli relinquished his hold on Caleb and Mav immediately wrapped his arms around him. There were more muffled words spoken between them and then Mav kissed Caleb's temple. He released Caleb, who wiped at his eyes. Caleb and Eli started speaking as Mav made his way to me.
