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Aleks began to shake violently and since his body was against mine, I could feel his skin grow chilled. I pushed him back a bit so I could look at him. His eyes were starting to go blank.
“Aleks, stay with me,” I urged as I cupped the side of his face with my hand. “Aleks,” I said firmly when he began to drift away even more. It wasn’t until I practically yelled his name that I saw him come back to me. “Breathe,” I commanded. He took in a huge breath and slumped in my hold, like he’d been holding his breath for minutes, not seconds.
“What happened to Miss Penny, Aleks?” I asked, since I knew the woman was a part of this. I also instinctively knew what had happened to her… it wasn’t hard to guess. As bad as what had happened to Aleks had been after he’d been taken, it was likely the events surrounding the teacher that had jumpstarted the extreme coping method he’d come to rely on so heavily.
Aleks began shaking his head violently. I grabbed him by the upper arms. “What happened to her, Aleks?” I repeated firmly. If he didn’t start getting some of this shit out, he’d never be able to start dealing with it.
“Brian came into the room during our lesson. He had the book. He asked me if Miss Penny had given it to me. I… I…”
“What, Aleks? What did you do?”
“I lied to him. I told him no.” Aleks squeezed his eyes and suddenly yelled, “But he knew and he said Miss Penny would have to pay for my lies! He let one of his men hurt her! I yelled at Brian to make it stop… that I was sorry, and I’d never lie again but the man just kept hurting her and she was crying and begging him to stop.”
Aleks began sobbing. As badly as I wanted to end this, I knew I couldn’t. “Finish it, baby,” I whispered as I stroked his hair with one hand. His face was covered in tears, and snot and spit were sliding down his mouth and chin. He could barely get the words out.
“Bri… Bri… Brian asked me again if Miss Penny gave me the book and I said yes. Miss Penny was sitting in the chair on the other side of the table and she looked at me. I started to tell her I was sorry, but then there was a bang and blood was everywhere and I couldn’t see her eyes anymore.”
Aleks slapped a hand over his eyes. “He left me in the room with her all night… he… he left the book. He said I could keep it. I… I kept telling her I was sorry and then I started reading the book to her because I knew she was probably cold and scared…”
I couldn’t understand his words after that so I pulled him back against my chest. I let my hand pass over his hair as I whispered to him that it wasn’t his fault. When he’d quieted, I asked, “Were there other teachers after that?”
He nodded against me.
“Did he hurt any of them?”
Aleks shook his head. It took a good fifteen seconds before he whispered, “No… because I was good.”
I let out a soft rush of air as I realized that moment had defined his thinking going forward. If he wanted to live, if he wanted others to live, he needed to be good, he needed to listen and do as he was told.
I held him until he was the one to pull back. He wiped at his face but refused to look at me. “What’s wrong with me?”
I used my fingers to lift his chin. “Absolutely nothing,” I said softly. His eyes shifted to meet mine and I couldn’t help but hold his gaze as I trailed my thumb over the softness of his lips. He was a mess, but he was still the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
And even more off-limits to me.
I needed to remember that and I needed to make this about him and not my ill-timed bout of desire.
“Aleks, have you ever talked to someone about what happened to you?”
He seemed to know what I was talking about because he dropped his eyes and then carefully pulled away from me. He turned so he was facing forward in the seat. He shook his head but said nothing.
“Do you know what PTSD is?” I asked.
That got his attention.
“Like what the soldiers go through when they come home?” he asked, his expression lifting in surprise. “I… I don’t have that. They see terrible things… they’re forced to do terrible things. Magnus said that they can’t always relate to civ… civ…”
“Civilian life,” I said.
He nodded.
“Magnus says that their minds play tricks on them when they come home but that it isn’t their fault and it’s okay for them to ask for help.”
