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I felt both relieved and foolish at the same time. I doubted there were any other men on the planet who had to work as hard as Vaughn did… and who were even half as understanding.
“Okay,” I said. I let my hands roam over his shoulders and down his back. “Will you take this off?” I asked as I tugged at his shirt.
He nodded and reached behind him with one hand to pull the shirt off over his head. He tossed it aside. I made a mental note to wear that one to sleep in tonight because it would smell like him.
It was silly, I knew, because he’d be right next to me and if all this worked out like it should, I’d want to be naked next to him all night, but I did have a weird fascination with his shirts. Maybe because it felt like he was a part of me when I was wearing his shirt.
Maybe that would change tonight.
Though I knew in my head I wasn’t ready to go that far. In my heart, I really wanted to give him all of me, but my brain was already screaming at me not to let it happen. It was warning me that he’d change once he was inside me. My gut was telling me he wouldn’t, but I couldn’t get past that wall in my brain that was meant to protect me from reality.
Because it would destroy me if he turned out to even be a tiny bit like the men who’d hurt me.
It wasn’t fair to him, but it also wasn’t fair to pretend it was something that it wasn’t.
I just wasn’t ready.
Vaughn braced his weight on his elbow so he could caress my face as I ran my hands over his back. He was so well muscled that I couldn’t get enough of testing how different his body felt than mine.
“You’re so beautiful, Aleks,” he murmured.
“You too,” I said. “Handsome, I mean.”
He laughed. “I’ll take beautiful.”
He kissed me gently over and over until I was the one deepening the kiss. My legs were still hanging off the bed so I spread them to ease the awkward position and his body notched between them. I tensed when his groin pressed against mine.
He didn’t tell me to relax or settle down or to not be afraid. He just held really still and watched my eyes.
I took several deep breaths and then began rubbing his back again. Somehow touching him actually calmed me.
We began kissing again and I was just starting to relax and get into it when he practically ripped his mouth from mine. He was panting like crazy and I could feel his hardness grinding against me. I was hard too, but he seemed worse off.
This is it. He’s going to do it now. He’s going to fuck me. He won’t be able to control himself.
“Aleks,” Vaughn breathed.
I needed to tell him no. I needed to tell him I couldn’t do it, but my fear of upsetting him took over. What if he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I wasn’t normal? Was it really worth losing him?
I opened my mouth to tell him I was ready but he suddenly kissed me softly. “Aleks, I want you inside of me… do you want that too?”
Wait.
What?
Chapter 19
Vaughn
“What?”
I cursed myself for just blurting the words like I had, but I was so turned on and my body was craving the feel of him inside of me so badly that I hadn’t been able to find a better way to ask him. Ever since the first night when he’d come all over my stomach, the obsession to know what it would feel like to have his cock buried deep within me had become like a living thing beneath my skin. I’d meant to bring it up in a more casual way and during a time when I wasn’t completely lost in lust, but my brain had short-circuited a little bit when my dick had met his the second he’d opened his legs for me.
I started to pull off him, thinking I’d ruined the moment, but he held on to the backs of my arms.
“I don’t understand,” he said softly, and I could see a little bit of shame in his eyes. Aleks was one of the smartest men I knew, but he struggled with how to process things he didn’t understand. In the past, he hadn’t had to… in fact, he’d gone out of his way to avoid such thoughts. Instead, he’d hidden in his head until the thing he’d been forced to deal with had passed. So now, many of the things men his age knew and took for granted were an entirely new experience for Aleks and it didn’t surprise me in the least that it was so incredibly overwhelming for him. “You want me to… to…” – his voice dropped to a barely there whisper – “fuck you?”
