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"Bishop sent it?"
Matias nodded.
The reality of what he was saying kicked in. "You think he wants to hurt me to get to you?" Saying the words was painful. It was all just too surreal. All I’d done was put a name in a search engine. How had that turned into a sadistic would-be murderer hunting me? And what did that mean for my children?
"This man… this Bishop guy, he went after Cruz because he knew how much you cared about him. You and me, we…" I struggled to finish the sentence because it hurt to admit the truth of it. "We don't mean anything to each other." Even as I said it, the words sounded wrong. Matias meant more to me than I wanted to admit. Even after everything that had happened, he still meant something to me.
I thought it couldn't get any more painful than it already was by confronting the truth about my feelings for Matias still being there. But I was wrong because his next sentence pretty much took the cake when it came to the pain thing.
"No we don’t, but Bishop doesn’t know that.”
Chapter 21
Matias
I wanted to pass off the tightness in my chest as being related to the memory of what had happened to Cruz that night two years ago, but I knew better. The knot was there behind my ribcage because Sam had confirmed what I should've wanted to hear.
His insistence that we didn't mean anything to each other were the right words, yet they still felt wrong. I wanted to demand that he feel differently. I wanted him to admit that when I touched him, he felt the same things I did.
Problem was, I didn't know what the shit I was feeling even meant. I was in unchartered territory.
It didn't matter. There was only one thing I needed to be focused on at the moment, and that was keeping Sam and his family safe while finding the man who was never going to let me rest. Bishop wasn't right in the head. I had no doubt that he'd been enjoying toying with me over the past couple of years… leaving little clues for me here and there to remind me that he was still out there. I'd fed into all of it by pursuing him. It had just been an extension of the game he’d played with me the night he'd attacked my brother.
"So what are you saying?" Sam asked.
I could see that he already knew the answer. That he understood what was going to happen.
"I'm sorry, Sam."
Sam fell silent for a long time. His eyes dropped to his hands which he was wringing on top of the table. He shook his head. "So what, Ryan and Elliot and I are supposed to live in fear the rest of our lives? Or we go into hiding?"
"I'll find him, Sam," I said firmly.
He let out a harsh laugh. "What do I do until then? How do I explain to my nine-year-old that he has to leave everything he knows? How am I supposed to live the rest of my own life waiting for something to happen? For something to take away the only thing that matters to me in this world?"
I didn't have an answer for him. Actually, I did, because I'd been living that very life for two years now. But I certainly wasn't going to tell him what it was like to never be able to truly rest. To always wonder who or what was just around the corner. To wake up in a cold sweat night after night as you tried to wipe the damning images of death and loss from your brain.
Sam slid his chair back and stood. He didn't say a word as he turned his back on me and left the kitchen, leaving his untouched cup of tea sitting on the table. I found myself reaching for my phone, but as I stared at the blank screen, I realized there was no one to call. The only two people in my life I could talk to about this whole thing were the same two people I’d pushed away so effectively. Once Cruz learned what my behavior had led to, I doubted he'd ever forgive me. I could only hope that my actions wouldn't cost my brother his new family.
I climbed to my feet, prepared to go outside and stand watch along with the handful of men Ronan had left stationed in front of Sam's house and up and down the blocks surrounding it, but when my feet started moving, it wasn't in the direction of the door.
I half expected to find Sam's bedroom door locked, but it was standing wide open. The room was completely dark, but it didn't take long for my eyes to adjust as I stepped into the room. I instinctively knew where Sam was.
